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10 Signs You Are The Mom Of 5 Kids

 
 
 
10 Signs You’re The Mom Of 5 kids:
 

1. Your wardrobe only has 2 sections: good enough to wear in public and never ever leaves the house. You have dressy tees and home tees. You have dressy flip flops and home flip flops. You have dressy yoga pants and home yoga pants. Never shall the two be confused.

 

2. Your teenage babysitter bought a new car and sent you a thank you note for helping her pay for it.

 

3. You haven’t had your eyebrows (or anything else) waxed in so long you are starting to fear someone might declare a bigfoot sighting when you go to The Wal*Mart.

 

4. You have started a homework hierarchy in your house. You pay the 12 year old $5 to explain fractions to the 8 year old. You pay the 8 year old $3 to read to the 5 year old. Otherwise your whole night is spent doing your kids homework. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

5. You use a scavenger hunt game to get your kids to help you look for your keys, your sunglasses, your shoes, your wine glass….it’s their fault you lost your mind so they should help.

 

6. Your last kid doesn’t even have a baby book yet. You have to look back at Facebook and your blog to figure out when their milestones happened. Bonus points if you had to check those sources while at the pediatrician’s office for a well kid check up. True story.

 

7. You taught the 8 year old how to use the microwave so she could feed the 5 and 2 year old’s while you attempt to shave both legs during your 5 minute shower.

 

8. Your youngest kid learned to count to 3 by the time she was 14 months old because of all the 3 count time-outs earned by her older siblings.

 

9. Your monthly grocery bill is higher than your mortgage.

 

10. You drive a minivan and it looks like a hoard of hobos are living inside it. When the sliding door opens you hold your breath waiting to see what is going to fall out. The van is full of sports equipment, school paper, and mystery bags that nobody wants to know the contents inside. We’re not even going to talk about the smells….you don’t want to know.

 

**Remember how limited technology was when we were kids? You can read about how and why I am supporting technology in my own kid’s classrooms HERE! #sponsored

 

 



You Know You’re Outnumbered as a Mom when…

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I know that nobody who reads my blog on even a semi-regular basis is under any kind of illusion that I am a perfect mom. Truthfully, that wouldn’t even be an illusion. More like a delusion. Plus, I have lots of small people living in this house. I am outnumbered. I am just striving to raise semi well-adjusted, socially acceptable, mentally stable adults who will be able to legally move out of my house without an ankle bracelet beeping. So for all the outnumbered moms just trying to make it till bedtime who have ever doubted their capabilities to raise productive children, who found themselves eyeing up the liquor cabinet at 10am, who gave their children Cocoa Puffs for dinner and called it a day-well, this lil ole list is for you. 

You Know You’re Outnumbered as a Mom when:


1. The phrase “Because I Said So” is immediately followed by “Stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke”. I don’t know why that phrase was so effective when my mom used it because it sure doesn’t work for me. 

2. You eat dinner standing up at the counter because it’s the only way to keep small fingers from picking all the food off your plate like pint-sized scavengers.

3. After all else fails, you threaten to take away Halloween, Birthday’s, and Christmas. And you mean it.

4. You consider a handful of Goldfish, a Grape, and a 3 bites of a waffle to be a well balanced toddler dinner.

5. The noise level in your home at any given time of the day rivals that of a stadium full of drunk football fans and you no longer notice it. 

6. You can hold a toddler, talk on the phone, assist with homework, cook dinner, and open a juice box all at the same time. 

7. The “witching” hour is commonly referred to as the “bitching” hour in your house. Coincidentally, it also called “Happy Hour” when the wine flows freely. 

Are you outnumbered in your house?



I Used Have Alone Time

I used to have time by myself- to?plan my life and goals, to do home improvement or crafty projects….to perform ummm…self maintenance. Now that I have become a mom to 2 Tweens, 1 Drama Queen and 2 Pint Size Terrorists there is not a moment of peace to be found in this house. Somebody always wants something from me: a snack, a story, a drink, a sharp knife to run around with….it never ends. As I was clearing a path through the toys littering the family room floor the other day I had a moment to reflect on the alone time that I used to take for granted.

Things I Miss Doing By Myself

1. Going to the bathroom and Showering. You don’t realize just how much you appreciate your privacy until you’re forced to make tinkle with an audience.

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2. Having a phone conversation without interruptions. I can’t remember the last I talked to someone on the phone with our conversation being punctuated with pleas for silence and/or threats of bodily harm.

3. Eating without having to share. I’m pretty sure I used to eat my entire meal without having someone beg me for a bite. On a related note- I’m unclear as to why I cannot lose weight considering I have not eaten a full meal in 11 years. It’s a mystery.

4. Watching more than 3 minutes of a show uninterrupted. Is it so much to ask to watch at least until the first commercial without having to pause it because of the noise level or the repeated requests for snacks? Thank goodness for the DVR and the rewind/pause feature or I might have to give up watching anything on TV.

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5. Reading an entire book before I forget what the plot is about. Oh what a luxury, and one that I didn’t appreciate until it was gone. I used to read a book in 1-2 days and I enjoyed it. Now it can take me up to 3 weeks to finish one book because I have to go back and re-read parts that I missed or had to skim over thanks to the repeated interruptions.

6. Watching something other than cartoons with whiny kid characters. You hear that Caillou? I hate you. I want to watch grown up shows without anything animated and annoying. I want to watch the news without having to explain why that man is dressed like a woman and answer questions about who cut his private parts off.

7. Silence. Boy how I miss the sound of silence. I haven’t heard it in….about 11 years now. Well that’s not quite true. I have heard silence but now instead of filling me with peace, it fills me with fear. Pure, unadulterated fear because if it’s quiet it means trouble. Somebody is doing something very naughty.

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8. Knowing exactly where something is and not having to search the entire house to find an item I laid down 10 minutes before. I am a person that always puts things in a specific spot so I know where they are when I need them. The car keys- always on the counter in the basket. The diaper bag- always hanging on the third hook in the closet. The checkbook- always in the desk drawer. My children like to mess with me and move things around all willy nilly. I’ll lay my phone down on the table, walk to the other room for no more than 30 seconds, and yet my phone is gone by the time I get back.

9. Using naughty words with reckless abandon. A solicitor wakes me up at 8am? Blurt out a naughty word. I stub my toe on a chair? Screech a naughty word. Now, I have to mumble an incoherent sad substitute under my breath. Sugar just does not have the same magical powers. Sugar does not take away the pain.

10. Being able to walk to the fridge in the middle of the night without nearly killing myself on a rouge lego block. I often need to get up and tinkle in the middle of the night thanks to the damage these children did to my poor body while gestating. Sometimes I also like to get a drink of water while I’m up, which ensures that I will be up again in another 2 hours to tinkle again. I would love to make the journey from my bedroom to the kitchen without the threat of serious physical harm befalling my body. The stairs are an obstacle course and if I survive that, navigating the mine field of legos is sure to take me down.

I hear all the time to “enjoy this time, it goes by so quickly”. You know who says that? People who get to pee by themselves, that’s who.