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You Know You’re Outnumbered as a Mom when…

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I know that nobody who reads my blog on even a semi-regular basis is under any kind of illusion that I am a perfect mom. Truthfully, that wouldn’t even be an illusion. More like a delusion. Plus, I have lots of small people living in this house. I am outnumbered. I am just striving to raise semi well-adjusted, socially acceptable, mentally stable adults who will be able to legally move out of my house without an ankle bracelet beeping. So for all the outnumbered moms just trying to make it till bedtime who have ever doubted their capabilities to raise productive children, who found themselves eyeing up the liquor cabinet at 10am, who gave their children Cocoa Puffs for dinner and called it a day-well, this lil ole list is for you. 

You Know You’re Outnumbered as a Mom when:


1. The phrase “Because I Said So” is immediately followed by “Stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke”. I don’t know why that phrase was so effective when my mom used it because it sure doesn’t work for me. 

2. You eat dinner standing up at the counter because it’s the only way to keep small fingers from picking all the food off your plate like pint-sized scavengers.

3. After all else fails, you threaten to take away Halloween, Birthday’s, and Christmas. And you mean it.

4. You consider a handful of Goldfish, a Grape, and a 3 bites of a waffle to be a well balanced toddler dinner.

5. The noise level in your home at any given time of the day rivals that of a stadium full of drunk football fans and you no longer notice it. 

6. You can hold a toddler, talk on the phone, assist with homework, cook dinner, and open a juice box all at the same time. 

7. The “witching” hour is commonly referred to as the “bitching” hour in your house. Coincidentally, it also called “Happy Hour” when the wine flows freely. 

Are you outnumbered in your house?



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How Not to Die while Camping

                               

 When I was a little girl I used to watch Little House on the Prairie and think how cool it would be to live like that. I know, I was a naive naive young girl. When I was in middle school my dad got the brilliant idea to purchase a camper so we could take some family vacations. It wasn’t one of those pop-up campers, it was a full size camper…well, more like a half size camper. It certainly wasn’t big enough to cram an entire family into it for long weekend trips, which is exactly what my parents did on the regular.

I mentioned that my kids are clamoring to go camping. Me….not so much. I am traumatized by the camping experiences of my youth. Let me break it down for y’all and maybe you’ll understand my hatred of all things outdoorsy. My parents are outdoorsy people. My dad fancies himself a fisherman worthy of his own syndicated television show on a low-rated cable station. My mom has created a backyard full of the most elaborate home gardens that I’ve ever seen outside of a Better Homes & Garden magazine. These people love to be outside. Clearly, I am adopted. I was born with an intense hatred of bugs, dirt, and sweat.

My parents used to drag us out a couple of weekends a month to go camping. They would find these campgrounds within an hour or so drive from our house and we’d set up there for a weekend of torture. Think about it people, how many B-rated horror flicks start off with the stupid teenage blond girl camping in the wilderness? Yeah. Exactly. So my dad would inevitably pick the camper slot the furthest away from the restroom and the one surrounded on 3 sides by an overgrowth of nature. He called that “prime camping real estate”. I referred to it as “making the serial killer’s job easier”.? Dad would screech to a stop in his “prime” slot and the fun would begin. Sigh.

Here are a few tips that I learned from the camping adventures of my youth. Please take these under advisement before your next camping trip.

1. Bring your own toilet paper. I cannot stress this one enough. Believe me, there is nothing worse than hiking a mile down to the restroom only to find no toilet paper anywhere.

2. If you take a tinkle in the overgrowth of nature beside your camper because you are too lazy to walk the mile to the restroom, please do not use any plants with 3 leaves to wipe yourself. Poison Ivy on your Lady Garden will ruin camping for you forever. Ask me how I know.

3. If you do hike to the restroom, take a flashlight. The campground restrooms are lit with a 5-watt bulb that tends to flicker on and off, which totally enhances the feeling that you are in a B-rated horror flick about to be chopped up into little tiny bits and made into some kind of Cannibal Stew.

4. Make sure the flashlight has fresh batteries. It is unpleasant when the lights go out just as you are mid-pee. That’s the moment you will notice the 2 shiny eyes staring at you from the corner. You will scream, jump up, pee all over yourself, and try to climb the wall to get away from an obviously rabid raccoon.

5. Raccoons are not friendly. If you see one, run away. They are also fast and very intimidating when they charge while you try to climb a wall to escape. I’m pretty sure shrieking at them just makes them laugh at you with their friends.

6. There is a reason that part of that lake is roped off with netting. You don’t want to find out what that reason might be. Don’t listen to your father who declares the netting is “to keep kids from swimming out too far”. He has spent the day drinking beer and he is wrong. That netting is to keep something out, not keep you in. Stay out of the water. Didn’t you see Piranha?

7. Don’t make friends with the people camping around you. These are not the people you want to form relationships with. Especially when you find out that Otis over there is married to Bev who happens to possibly be his 1st cousin and also maybe his sister. Don’t make friends with the hillbillies. Trust me. Does Deliverance ring a bell?

8. Hide the camera. Believe me, you do not want the photos of the time you fell asleep with wet lake hair and woke up with dreadlocks and some kind of unexplainable rash all over your body. That is not a good look to be memorializing forever. The hideous flashbacks of it will be more than enough.

I told you that I was traumatized by my youth. This is why when my children even mention the word “camping” I get all twitchy and start having flashbacks. There will be no camping. If I’d be a child during the real Little House on the Prairie days I have no doubt that I would have either been eaten by a hungry bear or killed by a swarm of bees. Nature does not like me. I have accepted this as fact and plan to stay home and out of its way. Just Say No to Camping! I tell Matt that if I’m ever found to be sleeping outside it is most definitely because my house has fallen down around me during the night. Period. End scene. 

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The Reason I Hate Real Estate Shows

I have something that I simply must get off my chest today. It’s been a long time coming. It’s been festering and building until I can no longer contain the angst inside me. I am going to have to give up watching the real estate show, My First Sale. I feel the overwhelming need to share a few truths with these people. I normally satisfy this need by screaming at the television and forcing Matt to listen to my grievances. Today I shall share my wisdom with you. I have plenty of gripes with the shows that follow the buyers too but I already pointed you towards a fabulously funny post about The Problem with House Hunters so I’m sticking to the sellers today.

Practical Advice for Selling Your House

1. Unless the foundation of your home is made of solid 24kt gold or perhaps rests upon an oil field your house is not worth $80,000 more than the house across the street. It’s just that simple. You do not base your sales price on what you want out of the house. Potential buyers do not care how much you paid for the house, how much you still owe on the house or how much you’ve put into the house. It’s just that simple.
 
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2. The color of paint that you slap up on the wall does matter. Just because you find neon green to be soothing does not mean that anyone else will. You’d be surprised how many people can not see past the neon green on the walls to notice the amazing window seat or chandelier. Just paint the wall and shut up about it.

3. Speaking of foundations, yes you do have to disclose that your house was built on a slope and is indeed sliding off the foundation. If you do not disclose it, you will be sued when someone buys your house and it completes it slide off into the pond next door. Even if that is not the law in your state, it’s unethical to keep that information to yourself. Don’t be unethical.

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4. I know you will find this shocking but most buyers who walking through your home are going to be turned off by the mystery stains on the carpet, the dust bunnies masquerading as small animals in the corner and a sink full of dirty dishes. Clean it up, people. Clean it up.

5. If your home is priced at $150,000 do not be offended by an offer of $140,000 and refuse to even counter back to the prospective buyer. That is not a low-ball offer. Quit being a douchebag. Everyone wants a full priced offer, hardly anyone gets one. That’s life.

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6. Do not throw a temper tantrum when your real estate agent makes helpful suggestions to speed along the sale of your home. She’s not being a bitch, she doesn’t get paid unless you sell so it’s in her best interest to give it to you straight. If you don’t want her advice, try selling your house by owner. See how far that gets you.

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 7. If you are trying to sell your 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 3000 SF house for $65,000 more than it’s really worth simply because you are expecting your first child and think you “need” more space please don’t expect any sympathy from the viewing audience when you have to bring $25,000 to the table in order to close. We do not feel sorry for you. We are laughing at your stupidity. Oh yes, we are.

I feel so much better now.

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