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If I Were Queen Of Everything

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Do you ever catch yourself saying things like “well if I were in charge…” or “that would never happen on my watch”? I hope it’s not just me. Anyway, I had a conversation with a neighbor a couple of days ago about something going on in our ‘hood and we were talking about things that would never happen if we were in charge of the HOA. It started me thinking about what else would be different if I were Queen of Everything. I made a list. Because, obviously.

If I Were Queen:

-There would be no such thing as unsweetened tea

-People with no sense of humor would be banished to island together- like Lost for jerks afflicted with stickupassitis

-French Fries would be a vegetable

-Slow drivers in the fast lane would be shot with paintballs guns as a warning to others- and repeat offenders would just be shot

-People who hurt children and animals would never be given a second chance

-All weekends would be 3 days

-Kids (and husbands) would come with a mute button

-Money would grow on trees

-Stupid men would be neutered and never allowed to breed

-Women who hit on married men would be spayed like the stray dogs they are

-Being a stay-at-home mom would come with a salary and benefits

-Coffee would come in 4 sizes- tall, grande, venti, and IV infusion 

-Books would never end in a cliffhanger

-People who take 65 items through the 10 items or less line would be beaten with rubber hoses

-Tech support would be provided by someone speaking identifiable English who really does live in Cincinnati 

-Cupcakes would be a food group

Now that sounds like a world I want to live in. I really should be Queen of Everything. I have a tiara and everything.

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Things I Didn’t Know Before Becoming A Mom

There are so many things I didn’t know before I became a mom. Awhile back I shared a list of things I never thought I would say before becoming a mom. Today I’m sharing a list of things I didn’t know before I became a mom.

 1. I would never sleep again. Like ever. I don’t remember the last time I got a full night of sleep. It’s like that mythical unicorn…it might be out there but you’ve never seen it. 

 2. Chicken nuggets and fruit loops would constitute a meal. Not for me, the toddler. I only get half a chicken nugget and the yellow fruit loops because apparently those taste gross. Seriously. Toddler nutrition is hard, y’all. Last week Zoey would only eat things that were pink or orange. I was the crazy lady mixing ketchup and mayo together to make pink so she would dip her orange dino chicken nuggets into it. Nobody warned me how picky toddlers were about food. 

 3. I would consider poop to be an acceptable topic of conversation in public. Your threshold for humiliation grows exponentially the minute you have a kid. Your kids will humiliate you in ways that you never could have imagined. You will become that mom wearing her pj’s underneath her hubby’s sweatshirt with her hair in a ponytail and mismatched shoes on her feet in the aisle of the pharmacy at 10pm to get Children’s Tylenol. You know, the woman you used to stare at in horrified fascination before you had kids. Yeah. 

4. Going to bed early would sound more appealing than a night out on the town. The thought of getting ready, shaving both legs, doing my hair, finding a babysitter….ugh. I’d rather sit around in my pj’s and watch a movie. Clearly I’ve crossed over into elderly. The only thing left is adult diapers. 

 5. There would always be another load of laundry to do. And the house would never be clean again. At least not until they leave home. You can spend hours cleaning, sorting, organizing and spit shining a room in your house and I guarantee it will look like the aftermath of a college frat party 5 minutes after your kids enter. It’s as if they are magical…magical little trolls. 

 6. I would regret not appreciating going to the bathroom alone. I didn’t realize what a good thing I had until it disappeared. I haven’t gone tinkle alone in 13 years. I don’t even bother to close the door if it’s just me and the little’s at home. They’re just going to bang on the door and scream anyway. I had to learn to ignore the pointing and asking “what’s that?” and “why don’t I have one of those?”

 7. I would have every episode of Doc McStuffins, Sofia the First, Octonauts, & Sheriff Callie stuck in my brain and playing on a continuous loop. I lose brain cells every day, people. Every day. 

 8. I would consider bribery to be an acceptable parenting tool. Not just acceptable- necessary. Also, blackmail is very powerful when dealing with teenagers and tweens. I can get Ty to do just about anything by threatening to text his baby pictures to his friends. Powerful weapon in the ole parenting arsenal. 

 9. I would fully embrace day drinking. And feel absolutely no shame. None.

 10. I would never eat a hot meal again. Someone will always need a drink refill, a second helping of pasta, or a new napkin the minute you set down your plate on the table. 

 11. There would be no such thing as a day off. There are no sick days. Kids don’t care if your head is about to explode or your tummy is churning like a raft in a tsunami. They still need to be fed, watered and entertained.

 12. There would be no hiding place good enough to keep the kids from devouring the last box of Thin Mints. Kids can sniff them out like bloodhounds. 

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Conversations Overheard At Wal*Mart

I venture out to Wal*Mart once a week for groceries and household products. I’m feeding an army, people. Therefore I must make this journey once a week. Luckily I live only 8 minutes away from a brand new store where everything is all shiny and the people are still happy. Over the past month or so I’ve been jotting down some of the funny and random bits of conversation I can’t help but overhear. 

#1- The Old Lady In The Basketball Aisle: Picture it. A little tiny old lady wearing a neon jogging suit, a fanny pack, and white high top Reebok sneakers carrying the largest purse I’ve ever seen in my life. She walked up to the man working in the sports section and in the loudest voice possible she declared “I’m here to buy me some blue balls.” I didn’t stick around to hear the rest of the conversation because I couldn’t hold in my laughter.

#2- The Woman In The Produce Section Fondling A Cucumber: Seriously. She was fondling it. Stroking it up and down. Then she pulled out a little tape measure and she measured it. Every eye in the produce section was on her as she put it in her cart and said “Where have you been all my life?” Then she walked away. There were some very red-faced older ladies in the produce aisle that day.

#3- The Man In The Feminine Hygiene Aisle: He looked confused and he was on the phone. This was the one-sided conversation we heard. “What does douche look like?” …..”What kind of stupid scavenger hunt is this?”…..”You said this would help me find my true self.”…..”Ok, I have the douche, what now?”….”You want me to put the what where?”….”That’s not funny.”…..”You’re breaking up with me?”…..”But baby, she didn’t mean anything to me.”…..At this point I was cheering for his significant other on the other end of that phone call. 

#4- The Cheerleader In The Pharmacy: She looked extremely uncomfortable- red faced and nervous. The other cheerleader with her was trying to hold back the giggles when the first cheerleader turned to her and said “He said to buy the biggest ones they had or it wouldn’t fit.” An older lady walking past at that exact minute laughed out loud and said “Honey, they all say that. Don’t believe the hype.” 

#5- The Two Ladies In The Check Out Lane: The first lady had 3 little kids with her and looked exhausted. The second lady was primped to perfection and I guessed based on the lack of bags under her eyes that she’s childless. Miss Primped turned to Mrs. Exhaustion and said “Did you see how hot that guy at the gym was? He was totally checking you out.” Mrs. Exhaustion replied “I didn’t notice.” Miss Primped said “How can you not notice? You’re a mom, not a nun.” Mrs. Exhaustion shot back “Once you have a few kids you don’t look at a hot guy without seeing more kids. It kills the attraction fast.” Big pause. Then Miss Primped said “I’m never having kids.” 

You can learn a lot about people through random snippits of their conversations. I’m going to start paying more attention and write down all the funny stuff I hear so I can tell you guys. Matt doesn’t get the concept of eavesdropping for sport. Men.

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7 Signs You’re A Stay Home Mom During Cold & Flu Season

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I love being a stay-home-mom. I really do. But during cold and flu season I put the emphasis on “stay-home”. We don’t go out all over town exposing ourselves to all the germs. We spend a lot of time at home or at the park on warmer days. That means by March I am generally going stir crazy. Sometimes there’s even twitching.

 

7 Signs You’re A Stay Home Mom During Cold & Flu Season

 

1. You ate half a pop-tart, 3 bites of a banana, and 5 M&M’s for breakfast because that’s what was leftover on your kid’s plates and you’re trying to stretch the groceries to avoid going to the store.

 

2. You haven’t worn anything other than yoga pants and baggy tops for a week because the only person you ever see during the day is your toddler and she still wears diapers so who’s she gonna judge.

 

3. You can recite an entire season’s worth of Doc McStuffins episodes. 

 

4. Your husband comes home from work 20 minutes late and you give him the evil eye. Then you talk non-stop for 5 hours because he’s the only adult conversation you’ve had all day. Finally he falls asleep in self defense.

 

5. You see your neighbor for the first time in 3 months when you walk down the driveway to get the mail. That’s how you know the hibernation is coming to an end.

 

6. You’ve bought more hand sanitizer than wine over the past few months.

 

7. You considered opening the door for the Jehovah’s Witnesses that came to your house just so you’d have an adult to talk to that day. This would be the sign that you need to start venturing out into the world again. Because clearly you’re losing your mind.

 

The height of cold & flu season is coming to an end soon and I cannot wait. We have avoided malls, playgrounds, libraries, and pretty much anywhere else that flu germs love to invade for the past 3 months. We’ve been very lucky this winter- aside from a few colds we have been fairly healthy. Last year I was ready to start taking bids from someone to build a bubble over our house by this point. The flowers are starting to bloom, the sun is starting to shine, the street is full of kids on bikes, and the stay home moms are starting to look a little less crazy. Life is good.

 

**Don’t forget to enter for a chance to win:

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$1,000 Visa Gift Card

 

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The Humiliating Sports Moments Of My Youth

I love sports. This is not news, right? I love all sports and I always have. Matt and I encourage our kids to try all kinds of sports and activities in life so they can find the things they really have passion for. Just as my mom did for me as a child. She always told us to try new things and give them a chance. So I did. 

 

Sometimes with disastrous results….and unfortunately for me my mom is neither senile nor shy so she takes great pleasure in recounting these mishaps to my kids. She even has some pictures to really give the kids a visual of some of my mortifying childhood moments. And there were many of them. And unfortunately most did not occur until my teen years. People ask me now why I am never embarrassed to share some of the things I share on this blog…like the time I hurled on the mailman, or the time I flashed the mailman, or when I peed myself in Target. Well, like I tell them, I used up my lifetime quota of humiliation before I hit the age of 18 so nothing can possibly bother me now. 

 

We spent the weekend with my parents not long ago and my mom spent the whole time sharing stories of my embarrassing endeavors with my kids. In retrospect some of the stories are hilarious, although they sure didn’t seem like it at the time. You know how much I like to share my humiliation with y’all so today I thought I’d give you a glimpse into the mortification that was my youth. Enjoy.

 

 

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Putt-Putt Golf: Sounds like a simple enough fun activity, right? A rite of childhood, if you will. That might be true but it didn’t end well for me. A friend had a huge party one weekend while her parents were out of town. It was going fine until someone spiked the punch. Now, as I mentioned before, I was a soccer player and therefore subject to random substance abuse tests which means I was not a drinker. And I drank a lot of punch that day, y’all. What happened next was not pretty. Somehow we ended up at a local putt-putt park. After hours. I think we jumped the fence, I don’t remember. I was almost knocked unconscious by the stupid windmill on the last hole. In my defense, a friend dared my inebriated self to climb the windmill. Clearly, not my fault. I woke up the next day with a massive hangover and a bruise the size of Iowa on my face. I had a hard time explaining both.

 

Cross Country: We used to run cross country to get in shape for soccer season but I hated it. I am not a runner for the sake of running. Put a soccer ball in front of me and I can run for miles. But just running to run…not so much. I get bored and then I get distracted. I was halfway through a course, running with a small group of team mates, when I got distracted by something out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t see the tree root in the ground until I tripped over it, fell down the hill, and landed in a lake. I had to walk all the way back soaking wet and limping because I lost a shoe. Seriously.

 

Bowling: I’ve never seen the appeal of bowling. I just don’t think it’s fun. But I got talked into it a few times as a teen and it never ended well. I was always in last place and almost all of my turns ended in gutter balls. I’ve only ever had one strike and I was super excited. Too bad it wasn’t in my own lane. But I’m totally counting it. 

 

Track: I’m still not sure how I got talked into trying out for track. Again, not a runner. But one of the coaches was a hottie and he needed someone to do hurdles. I knew it was a mistake but I did it anyway. Have you ever seen the horses who shy away from the jump at the last second and screech to a halt inches before the rail? Guess what? Humans can do that too but stopping that quickly isn’t as easy as it looks. You know what else? Hurdles hurt when they hit you in the stomach and flip you over head first. 

 

Golf: Based on my experience during putt putt golf, I’m sure you can imagine how badly real golf turned out for me. No need to recount the entire humiliating experience but I will tell you that those golf carts are super sensitive sometimes. And also, just as an FYI- those really serious guys on the golf course don’t like it when you run them over with a golf cart. They get very snippy when their cardigans come untied around their necks. 

 

Powder Puff Football: I love football as y’all know. So when our school had the annual powder puff football tournament I was all in. Unfortunately nobody told me it was flag football, not tackle football. I took out a cheerleader. It was ugly.

 

I wish those were all my moments but that’s just a small sample. I didn’t even tell you about the time I was in a three-legged race that ended in an emergency room visit and a partner with a broken leg. I swear I didn’t see the tree, I really didn’t. 

 

Matt says I’m special. Clearly he means gifted.

 

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