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Awkward Conversations With Strangers

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If you’ve been a regular reader around these parts then you already know I attract idiots like ants to honey. I can’t explain it. The only explanation that makes sense is that I’m being tested. Y’all, one of these days I’m going to fail that test and dish out an ass kicking to a deserving moron. The worst encounters are with strangers. For some reason strangers feel the need to comment and make judgments on my family and my life. I’ve been jotting down some of the awkward conversations that I’ve had lately with strangers for your entertainment. Behold the idiocy. 

 

Awkward Conversation #1: Maia recently got her ears pierced. This conversation took place between the lady doing the piercing and myself in front of a store full of customers.

Ear Piercer- I’m going to need a parent signature on these forms.

Me- I am the parent.

Ear Piercer- Uh….but you’re white.

Me- Holy crap. I am?

 

Awkward Conversation #2: We spent most of our summer at the pool. This conversation took place between a new lady at the pool and myself.

New lady- Your kids need more sunscreen.

Me- Excuse me?

New lady- They are really brown.

Me- They’re supposed to be brown.

New lady- No they’re not.

Me- They’re half-Asian. They came out of my vagina that color.

 

Awkward Conversation #3: We were all out at the mall as a family and a snooty mom approached us with her kid to talk about the size of our family.

Snooty Mom- You have a lot of kids. Do you work or are you on welfare like all the others?

Me- Do I know you?

Snooty Mom- You do know what causes all those babies, right?

Me- A hot husband. Is that your only kid? That’s sad. I’m so sorry for you. But maybe your next husband will be hot.

 

Awkward Conversation #4: Zoey has a favorite playground that we frequent a couple of times a week. She likes to play with the other kids and doesn’t need or want me hovering around her. This conversation took place with a mom who spent the entire time at the playground helicopter parenting her poor kid.

Helicopter Mom- You really should be interacting more with your child.

Me- She’s fine. She’s having fun.

Helicopter Mom- It’s important for their development.

Me- Let me guess, first child?

Helicopter Mom- Yes and I’m using every opportunity to teach my child- even at the playground.

Me- Well your kid is eating sand. Did you teach her that or is she just gifted?

 

Awkward Conversation #5: Our neighborhood had a BBQ recently so all the new residents could meet and greet the established residents. This conversation was with a new neighbor lady who was carrying a little yappy dog wearing a tutu and a tiara in her purse.

New Neighbor- So most of your family is Asian?

Me- Yes they are.

New Neighbor- I’ve always wondered- do y’all really eat dogs?

Me- Of course we do. We like the little yappy ones best, they’re jucier. Tastes just like chicken.

 

Awkward Conversation #6: While we were out to dinner one night an older lady came up to our table to be nosy and ask about Ty’s parentage.

Old Lady- So where did this young man get his red hair from?

Me- He was born with it.

Old Lady- Is he a child from your first marriage?

Me- Nope. 

Old Lady- How did he get red hair?

Me- My fallopian tubes are rusty and his hair turned red upon conception.

 

Awkward Conversation #7: We had Ty’s back-to-school night a couple of weeks ago and I was approached by an annoying mom whose kid tried to fight with Ty last year. The kid is an honor student who was struggling in math and tried to cheat off Ty’s test. He got mad when Ty said no.

Annoying Mom- I hope your son learned self control over the summer.

Me- My son has self control. Your son pushed mine and my kid walked away.

Annoying Mom- That’s not what my son said.

Me- It’s on video. 

Annoying Mom- Well I’m going to be unhappy if your son tries to beat up my son this year.

Me- Then you should tell your son to keep his hands to himself. Like in Kindegarten. Or should I go ahead and buy one of those “my kid beat up your honor student” bumper stickers? 

 

Awkward Conversation #8: As I mentioned we spent most of our summer at the pool. This conversation took place with a lady who was trying to read a book.

Book Lady- Can you tell your kids to stop splashing? They’re getting my book wet.

Me- You’re in a pool. With water. And kids. What did you think would happen?

 

Awkward Conversation #9: The elementary school had a meeting for all the car line drop off parents. This conversation happened with the lady sitting next to me in the meeting.

Car Line Lady- This is so stupid.

Me- What?

Car Line Lady- The no left turn in the morning rule. It’s so dumb.

Me- It just keeps the traffic flowing smoothly.

Car Line Lady- Well I’m going to be turning left. That rule doesn’t apply to me.

Me- Oh so you’re a narcissist. Good to know.

 

This edition of Awkward Conversations with Strangers brought to you by my extremely unfortunate luck with idiots. 

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15 Signs You Might Be Ready For Summer Break To End

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1. Your left eye has developed a permanent twitch.

2. Packing the kids up and taking them to the pool for the afternoon has become more work than fun.

3. You’ve started hearing the phrase “But I’m bored” by 10am from multiple kids.

4. When it rains 3 days in a row you’re happy because it means you don’t have to shave your legs for the pool.

5. Your kids have started fighting over stupid stuff- like what to name the cat that we don’t own and won’t be getting.

6. Your 1 nightly cocktail has morphed into multiple shots of straight up liquor.

7. Your house has the perma-stank of many teenage boys because they congregate in your living room to play Xbox for hours every day after playing basketball outside.

8. Your monthly grocery bill has hit 4 digits and your checking account has hit double digits. The two might be related.

9. Your husband comes home and whines “not pasta salad again” because it’s too hot to turn on the oven.

10. You are 1 mosquito bite away from being infected with some deadly disease that will probably turn you into a zombie. 

11. Little Kid Fight Club is starting to sound like a great way to make some quick cash since the kids are fighting anyway.

12. If the temps hit the 100’s one more time you are committed to moving to Alaska. 

13. Your house could be featured on an episode of Hoarders just from the dirty laundry waiting to be washed. 

14. The DVR is out of space because of all the cartoons your kids have figured out how to record.

15. You recently paid each kid $5 to just go spend 30 minutes in their rooms quietly so you could work on getting your left eye to stop twitching. 

 My left eye is still twitching. That was not money well spent. And I’m out of liquor. I think it might be time to call it quits on Summer Break. 

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10 Tips For Proper Pool Etiquette

We seem to have an abundance of pool douches in our neighborhood this year. Some of them are new to the neighborhood but there are quite a few who have been here for years and therefore should know better. In the interest of not having to hold anyone’s head under water I decided to share some tips for appropriate pool etiquette. I’m considering petitioning the HOA to see if this list can be included with the official pool rules every homeowner has to sign when picking up the annual pool pass. I don’t think some people realize just how much ire (read: hatred)  they are inspiring within the neighborhood. So let’s go over some basic pool etiquette tips.

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 1. Don’t let your kid annoy other people. This includes, but is not limited to, allowing them to shoot other people in the face with water guns, splashing babies and small children, doing cannonball jumps right next to other swimmers, and blocking the stairs so nobody can get in the pool. Please, take a minute away from your tanning and iPhone playing to remind your kid to use their manners. Those of us who actually have to be in the pool with our kids will thank you.

 2. Wear proper swim attire. I appreciate that you are happy with your body but there are certain parts of said body that I don’t particularly want to see at the pool. If I can see more than 2 inches of side boob falling out of your very small bikini, please buy a bigger size. If you’re wearing bikini bottoms as a thong and it looks like your butt crack is eating those bottoms, please buy a bigger size. There are small children at the pool, for crying out loud.

 3. There is no food in the pool. I can’t believe I even have to reiterate this one. What kind of a jerk lets their kid enter the pool with a bag full of Cheez-its? Do you not understand what happens to Cheez-its when they get wet? If your kid is hungry then there are some very nice tables and chairs where they can sit and eat their snack before getting back in the pool. Really, people, this is common sense.

 4. The rules are the rules and they apply to your kid too. Don’t let your kid disregard the pool rules that the rest of us are enforcing with our own kids. It’s not fair and it makes you look irresponsible. Please refer to #1 for more clarification if you are confused.

 5. Lifeguards are there to keep everyone safe, please stop distracting them. Not only does it make you look ridiculous at your age, it makes the rest of us embarrassed for you. You are not a cougar, you are a middle aged married mother of 3. Step away from the hot, young, lifeguards.

 6. Bring your own pool toys and stop stealing from others. Seriously, those stupid pool toys are not that expensive. You can find them in the Dollar section at Target. I am not a referee and I do not like having to forcibly take my kids’ toys away from your kid every single day. Buy your kid a pool toy!

 7. Supervise your own kid. I have 4 of my own kids to supervise in the pool. I do not have enough eyes, or patience, to supervise your kid as well. Parking yourself on a pool lounger on the other side of the pool and assuming the other mothers will watch your kid is rude. Ignoring your kid’s shrieking and/or yelling back at them across the pool makes me want to hold your head underwater. 

 8. If your kid cannot swim they should not be alone in the pool. Again, this seems like common sense to me. Buy your kid a puddle jumper float or get in the water with them. Rest assured if I see your kid pull my kid underwater because your kid jumped in and cannot swim, I will be returning the favor.

 9. If your kid is not potty trained, use a swim diaper. Nobody wants to have to sit out of the pool for an hour because your kid made a poopy in the pool. I know those swim diapers are expensive but get a grip. The rest of the neighborhood should not have to suffer because of your stupidity.

 10. Don’t yell at other people’s kids. I don’t care why you are yelling at someone else’s kid. I don’t care what they were doing. You don’t yell at other people’s kids. You yell at their parents. If I see you yelling at my kid be prepared to take a dive into the pool. And you better be a fast swimmer. Nobody yells at my kids but me. 

 We all want to enjoy the pool, please don’t ruin it for the rest of us by being a Pool Douche. Thank you for committing these rules of Pool Etiquette to memory before the start of the next swim season.

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Conversations With My Kids

My kids are funny little creatures….even when they’re not trying to be funny. I find myself texting Matt during the day a lot to share the funny stuff they say. I started jotting down little snippets of the conversations so I would remember them and I wanted to share a few of them with y’all. 

 

 

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Conversation between Ty & me about his health grade:

 

Ty: Mom, I got a C in health.

Mom: How do you get a C in Health class?

Ty: I don’t know.

Mom: Well what are you studying?

Ty: Sex.

Mom: You’re gonna make some girl very disappointed one day when she discovers you’re only a C student in sex ed.

Ty: That’s not funny.

Mom: It’s not funny. You better pay attention in class.

 

Conversation between Maia & me about her math grade:

 

Mom: Maia, your math grade went from an A to a B in the last quarter. Did you know?

Maia: Yep.

Mom: Why did you not get an A?

Maia: Geez mom. You know I’m only half-Asian, right?

 

 

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Conversation between Ty & me about Spanish:

 

Ty: What language is that guy speaking?

Mom: Spanish.

Ty: Oh.

Mom: Didn’t you take Spanish?

Ty: Uh huh.

Mom: And wasn’t this your third year in Spanish?

Ty: Uh huh.

Mom: Dude.

 

Conversation between Mase & me about my sunburn:

 

Mase: You’re really red, mom.

Mom: I know, buddy.

Mase: Does it hurt?

Mom: Yeah, it hurts to get a sunburn.

Mase: Well I wish you were Asian like us so you could be brown instead of red.

Mom: Thanks kid.

 

Conversation between Ty & me about his pants:

 

Mom: Pull up your pants.

Ty: Why?

Mom: Because nobody wants to see your undies.

Ty: Mom. Nobody cares.

Mom: I care. Pull up your pants.

Ty: loud exasperated sigh

Mom: I will dye all your boxers pink so you don’t want to show them off anymore.

Ty: I will wear my pink undies with pride.

 

 

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Conversation between Mase & me about manners:

 

Mom: When someone says something nice to you then what do you say?

Mase: Thank you.

Mom: Well Mrs. Smith told you that you are very handsome. What do you say?

Mase: I don’t know.

Mom: You say thank you.

Mase: Why?

Mom: Because it was a compliment.

Mase: But she was just telling the truth.

 

Conversation between Ty & me about having babies:

 

Ty: My teacher just had a baby.

Mom: That’s great.

Ty: But she’s a lesbian.

Mom: So?

Ty: So how did they make a baby?

Mom: Maybe they did artificial insemination.

Ty: What is that? It doesn’t sound fun.

Mom: They use frozen sperm from a sperm bank.

Ty: Frozen sperm? So….it’s sperm on a stick? Like a popcicle. It’s a sperm-cicle. 

Mom: Please don’t call it a sperm-cicle in front of your teacher. 

Ty: I’m telling her that’s what you called it.

Mom: I should have you medicated.

 

Kids.

 

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Random Observations From The PTA Meeting

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My feelings about the PTA are well documented on this here blog. I have not changed my opinion. I still steer clear. I have not been asked to contribute to the bake sale lately and I probably will not be approached until the current nazi- excuse me, president- is officially overthrown. Some schools seem to have a glorious PTA with truly wonderful people who all work together harmoniously without strife and petty backstabbing. My children do not attend one of those schools. This is the South. Everything you do, say, and wear is subject to judgement, gossip, whispers, and “bless her heart” comments. It should come as no surprise to any of you regular readers that I do not do well in such environments. Unfortunately I recently was conned into attending a PTA meeting. The way they did it was very sneaky, so sneaky in fact that I can almost appreciate the sneakiness. The flier that came home for the 3rd grade chorus program listed the start time as 6:30pm. What wasn’t listed was that it was a PTA meeting that began at 6:30 with the chorus program starting at 7pm. See, sneaky? So we showed up promptly at 6:15pm to get seats up front to avoid dealing with those parents that ruin every school program. 10 minutes later I was wishing we were late and sitting in the back. While I was tuning out some perky little blonde lady drone on and on about buying the correct hand sanitizer for the classrooms (seriously), I paid attention to the parents around me. 

Random Observations from the PTA:

1. Pretty sure the guy 2 rows over wasn’t drinking straight water out of that water bottle. Nobody looks that happy to be drinking water.

2. If you expose 3/4 of your butt every time you bend over, please buy bigger size pants. I’m begging you.

3. Naming your kid Leroy Luther virtually guarantees he will be a serial killer when he grows up. 

4. Handing your toddler a sharpie marker is never a good idea.

5. Sharpie marker does not wipe off of a nice leather Coach purse.

6. There will always be a kid sitting behind you kicking your seat.

7. Falling asleep and almost falling out of your chair will inspire giggles and snorts from everyone around you.

8. Snotty moms breed snotty little girls. 

9. Snotty little girls don’t like to be called out for being snotty.

10. Neither do their snotty moms.

11. I do not belong in the PTA. Duh.

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