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15 Signs You Might Be Ready For Summer Break To End

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1. Your left eye has developed a permanent twitch.

2. Packing the kids up and taking them to the pool for the afternoon has become more work than fun.

3. You’ve started hearing the phrase “But I’m bored” by 10am from multiple kids.

4. When it rains 3 days in a row you’re happy because it means you don’t have to shave your legs for the pool.

5. Your kids have started fighting over stupid stuff- like what to name the cat that we don’t own and won’t be getting.

6. Your 1 nightly cocktail has morphed into multiple shots of straight up liquor.

7. Your house has the perma-stank of many teenage boys because they congregate in your living room to play Xbox for hours every day after playing basketball outside.

8. Your monthly grocery bill has hit 4 digits and your checking account has hit double digits. The two might be related.

9. Your husband comes home and whines “not pasta salad again” because it’s too hot to turn on the oven.

10. You are 1 mosquito bite away from being infected with some deadly disease that will probably turn you into a zombie. 

11. Little Kid Fight Club is starting to sound like a great way to make some quick cash since the kids are fighting anyway.

12. If the temps hit the 100’s one more time you are committed to moving to Alaska. 

13. Your house could be featured on an episode of Hoarders just from the dirty laundry waiting to be washed. 

14. The DVR is out of space because of all the cartoons your kids have figured out how to record.

15. You recently paid each kid $5 to just go spend 30 minutes in their rooms quietly so you could work on getting your left eye to stop twitching. 

 My left eye is still twitching. That was not money well spent. And I’m out of liquor. I think it might be time to call it quits on Summer Break. 

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10 Tips For Proper Pool Etiquette

We seem to have an abundance of pool douches in our neighborhood this year. Some of them are new to the neighborhood but there are quite a few who have been here for years and therefore should know better. In the interest of not having to hold anyone’s head under water I decided to share some tips for appropriate pool etiquette. I’m considering petitioning the HOA to see if this list can be included with the official pool rules every homeowner has to sign when picking up the annual pool pass. I don’t think some people realize just how much ire (read: hatred)  they are inspiring within the neighborhood. So let’s go over some basic pool etiquette tips.

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 1. Don’t let your kid annoy other people. This includes, but is not limited to, allowing them to shoot other people in the face with water guns, splashing babies and small children, doing cannonball jumps right next to other swimmers, and blocking the stairs so nobody can get in the pool. Please, take a minute away from your tanning and iPhone playing to remind your kid to use their manners. Those of us who actually have to be in the pool with our kids will thank you.

 2. Wear proper swim attire. I appreciate that you are happy with your body but there are certain parts of said body that I don’t particularly want to see at the pool. If I can see more than 2 inches of side boob falling out of your very small bikini, please buy a bigger size. If you’re wearing bikini bottoms as a thong and it looks like your butt crack is eating those bottoms, please buy a bigger size. There are small children at the pool, for crying out loud.

 3. There is no food in the pool. I can’t believe I even have to reiterate this one. What kind of a jerk lets their kid enter the pool with a bag full of Cheez-its? Do you not understand what happens to Cheez-its when they get wet? If your kid is hungry then there are some very nice tables and chairs where they can sit and eat their snack before getting back in the pool. Really, people, this is common sense.

 4. The rules are the rules and they apply to your kid too. Don’t let your kid disregard the pool rules that the rest of us are enforcing with our own kids. It’s not fair and it makes you look irresponsible. Please refer to #1 for more clarification if you are confused.

 5. Lifeguards are there to keep everyone safe, please stop distracting them. Not only does it make you look ridiculous at your age, it makes the rest of us embarrassed for you. You are not a cougar, you are a middle aged married mother of 3. Step away from the hot, young, lifeguards.

 6. Bring your own pool toys and stop stealing from others. Seriously, those stupid pool toys are not that expensive. You can find them in the Dollar section at Target. I am not a referee and I do not like having to forcibly take my kids’ toys away from your kid every single day. Buy your kid a pool toy!

 7. Supervise your own kid. I have 4 of my own kids to supervise in the pool. I do not have enough eyes, or patience, to supervise your kid as well. Parking yourself on a pool lounger on the other side of the pool and assuming the other mothers will watch your kid is rude. Ignoring your kid’s shrieking and/or yelling back at them across the pool makes me want to hold your head underwater. 

 8. If your kid cannot swim they should not be alone in the pool. Again, this seems like common sense to me. Buy your kid a puddle jumper float or get in the water with them. Rest assured if I see your kid pull my kid underwater because your kid jumped in and cannot swim, I will be returning the favor.

 9. If your kid is not potty trained, use a swim diaper. Nobody wants to have to sit out of the pool for an hour because your kid made a poopy in the pool. I know those swim diapers are expensive but get a grip. The rest of the neighborhood should not have to suffer because of your stupidity.

 10. Don’t yell at other people’s kids. I don’t care why you are yelling at someone else’s kid. I don’t care what they were doing. You don’t yell at other people’s kids. You yell at their parents. If I see you yelling at my kid be prepared to take a dive into the pool. And you better be a fast swimmer. Nobody yells at my kids but me. 

 We all want to enjoy the pool, please don’t ruin it for the rest of us by being a Pool Douche. Thank you for committing these rules of Pool Etiquette to memory before the start of the next swim season.

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Things I Didn’t Know Before Becoming A Mom

There are so many things I didn’t know before I became a mom. Awhile back I shared a list of things I never thought I would say before becoming a mom. Today I’m sharing a list of things I didn’t know before I became a mom.

 1. I would never sleep again. Like ever. I don’t remember the last time I got a full night of sleep. It’s like that mythical unicorn…it might be out there but you’ve never seen it. 

 2. Chicken nuggets and fruit loops would constitute a meal. Not for me, the toddler. I only get half a chicken nugget and the yellow fruit loops because apparently those taste gross. Seriously. Toddler nutrition is hard, y’all. Last week Zoey would only eat things that were pink or orange. I was the crazy lady mixing ketchup and mayo together to make pink so she would dip her orange dino chicken nuggets into it. Nobody warned me how picky toddlers were about food. 

 3. I would consider poop to be an acceptable topic of conversation in public. Your threshold for humiliation grows exponentially the minute you have a kid. Your kids will humiliate you in ways that you never could have imagined. You will become that mom wearing her pj’s underneath her hubby’s sweatshirt with her hair in a ponytail and mismatched shoes on her feet in the aisle of the pharmacy at 10pm to get Children’s Tylenol. You know, the woman you used to stare at in horrified fascination before you had kids. Yeah. 

4. Going to bed early would sound more appealing than a night out on the town. The thought of getting ready, shaving both legs, doing my hair, finding a babysitter….ugh. I’d rather sit around in my pj’s and watch a movie. Clearly I’ve crossed over into elderly. The only thing left is adult diapers. 

 5. There would always be another load of laundry to do. And the house would never be clean again. At least not until they leave home. You can spend hours cleaning, sorting, organizing and spit shining a room in your house and I guarantee it will look like the aftermath of a college frat party 5 minutes after your kids enter. It’s as if they are magical…magical little trolls. 

 6. I would regret not appreciating going to the bathroom alone. I didn’t realize what a good thing I had until it disappeared. I haven’t gone tinkle alone in 13 years. I don’t even bother to close the door if it’s just me and the little’s at home. They’re just going to bang on the door and scream anyway. I had to learn to ignore the pointing and asking “what’s that?” and “why don’t I have one of those?”

 7. I would have every episode of Doc McStuffins, Sofia the First, Octonauts, & Sheriff Callie stuck in my brain and playing on a continuous loop. I lose brain cells every day, people. Every day. 

 8. I would consider bribery to be an acceptable parenting tool. Not just acceptable- necessary. Also, blackmail is very powerful when dealing with teenagers and tweens. I can get Ty to do just about anything by threatening to text his baby pictures to his friends. Powerful weapon in the ole parenting arsenal. 

 9. I would fully embrace day drinking. And feel absolutely no shame. None.

 10. I would never eat a hot meal again. Someone will always need a drink refill, a second helping of pasta, or a new napkin the minute you set down your plate on the table. 

 11. There would be no such thing as a day off. There are no sick days. Kids don’t care if your head is about to explode or your tummy is churning like a raft in a tsunami. They still need to be fed, watered and entertained.

 12. There would be no hiding place good enough to keep the kids from devouring the last box of Thin Mints. Kids can sniff them out like bloodhounds. 

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Conversations Overheard At Wal*Mart

I venture out to Wal*Mart once a week for groceries and household products. I’m feeding an army, people. Therefore I must make this journey once a week. Luckily I live only 8 minutes away from a brand new store where everything is all shiny and the people are still happy. Over the past month or so I’ve been jotting down some of the funny and random bits of conversation I can’t help but overhear. 

#1- The Old Lady In The Basketball Aisle: Picture it. A little tiny old lady wearing a neon jogging suit, a fanny pack, and white high top Reebok sneakers carrying the largest purse I’ve ever seen in my life. She walked up to the man working in the sports section and in the loudest voice possible she declared “I’m here to buy me some blue balls.” I didn’t stick around to hear the rest of the conversation because I couldn’t hold in my laughter.

#2- The Woman In The Produce Section Fondling A Cucumber: Seriously. She was fondling it. Stroking it up and down. Then she pulled out a little tape measure and she measured it. Every eye in the produce section was on her as she put it in her cart and said “Where have you been all my life?” Then she walked away. There were some very red-faced older ladies in the produce aisle that day.

#3- The Man In The Feminine Hygiene Aisle: He looked confused and he was on the phone. This was the one-sided conversation we heard. “What does douche look like?” …..”What kind of stupid scavenger hunt is this?”…..”You said this would help me find my true self.”…..”Ok, I have the douche, what now?”….”You want me to put the what where?”….”That’s not funny.”…..”You’re breaking up with me?”…..”But baby, she didn’t mean anything to me.”…..At this point I was cheering for his significant other on the other end of that phone call. 

#4- The Cheerleader In The Pharmacy: She looked extremely uncomfortable- red faced and nervous. The other cheerleader with her was trying to hold back the giggles when the first cheerleader turned to her and said “He said to buy the biggest ones they had or it wouldn’t fit.” An older lady walking past at that exact minute laughed out loud and said “Honey, they all say that. Don’t believe the hype.” 

#5- The Two Ladies In The Check Out Lane: The first lady had 3 little kids with her and looked exhausted. The second lady was primped to perfection and I guessed based on the lack of bags under her eyes that she’s childless. Miss Primped turned to Mrs. Exhaustion and said “Did you see how hot that guy at the gym was? He was totally checking you out.” Mrs. Exhaustion replied “I didn’t notice.” Miss Primped said “How can you not notice? You’re a mom, not a nun.” Mrs. Exhaustion shot back “Once you have a few kids you don’t look at a hot guy without seeing more kids. It kills the attraction fast.” Big pause. Then Miss Primped said “I’m never having kids.” 

You can learn a lot about people through random snippits of their conversations. I’m going to start paying more attention and write down all the funny stuff I hear so I can tell you guys. Matt doesn’t get the concept of eavesdropping for sport. Men.

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7 Signs You’re A Stay Home Mom During Cold & Flu Season

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I love being a stay-home-mom. I really do. But during cold and flu season I put the emphasis on “stay-home”. We don’t go out all over town exposing ourselves to all the germs. We spend a lot of time at home or at the park on warmer days. That means by March I am generally going stir crazy. Sometimes there’s even twitching.

 

7 Signs You’re A Stay Home Mom During Cold & Flu Season

 

1. You ate half a pop-tart, 3 bites of a banana, and 5 M&M’s for breakfast because that’s what was leftover on your kid’s plates and you’re trying to stretch the groceries to avoid going to the store.

 

2. You haven’t worn anything other than yoga pants and baggy tops for a week because the only person you ever see during the day is your toddler and she still wears diapers so who’s she gonna judge.

 

3. You can recite an entire season’s worth of Doc McStuffins episodes. 

 

4. Your husband comes home from work 20 minutes late and you give him the evil eye. Then you talk non-stop for 5 hours because he’s the only adult conversation you’ve had all day. Finally he falls asleep in self defense.

 

5. You see your neighbor for the first time in 3 months when you walk down the driveway to get the mail. That’s how you know the hibernation is coming to an end.

 

6. You’ve bought more hand sanitizer than wine over the past few months.

 

7. You considered opening the door for the Jehovah’s Witnesses that came to your house just so you’d have an adult to talk to that day. This would be the sign that you need to start venturing out into the world again. Because clearly you’re losing your mind.

 

The height of cold & flu season is coming to an end soon and I cannot wait. We have avoided malls, playgrounds, libraries, and pretty much anywhere else that flu germs love to invade for the past 3 months. We’ve been very lucky this winter- aside from a few colds we have been fairly healthy. Last year I was ready to start taking bids from someone to build a bubble over our house by this point. The flowers are starting to bloom, the sun is starting to shine, the street is full of kids on bikes, and the stay home moms are starting to look a little less crazy. Life is good.

 

**Don’t forget to enter for a chance to win:

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$1,000 Visa Gift Card

 

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