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Awkward Conversations With Strangers

awkward

 

If you’ve been a regular reader around these parts then you already know I attract idiots like ants to honey. I can’t explain it. The only explanation that makes sense is that I’m being tested. Y’all, one of these days I’m going to fail that test and dish out an ass kicking to a deserving moron. The worst encounters are with strangers. For some reason strangers feel the need to comment and make judgments on my family and my life. I’ve been jotting down some of the awkward conversations that I’ve had lately with strangers for your entertainment. Behold the idiocy. 

 

Awkward Conversation #1: Maia recently got her ears pierced. This conversation took place between the lady doing the piercing and myself in front of a store full of customers.

Ear Piercer- I’m going to need a parent signature on these forms.

Me- I am the parent.

Ear Piercer- Uh….but you’re white.

Me- Holy crap. I am?

 

Awkward Conversation #2: We spent most of our summer at the pool. This conversation took place between a new lady at the pool and myself.

New lady- Your kids need more sunscreen.

Me- Excuse me?

New lady- They are really brown.

Me- They’re supposed to be brown.

New lady- No they’re not.

Me- They’re half-Asian. They came out of my vagina that color.

 

Awkward Conversation #3: We were all out at the mall as a family and a snooty mom approached us with her kid to talk about the size of our family.

Snooty Mom- You have a lot of kids. Do you work or are you on welfare like all the others?

Me- Do I know you?

Snooty Mom- You do know what causes all those babies, right?

Me- A hot husband. Is that your only kid? That’s sad. I’m so sorry for you. But maybe your next husband will be hot.

 

Awkward Conversation #4: Zoey has a favorite playground that we frequent a couple of times a week. She likes to play with the other kids and doesn’t need or want me hovering around her. This conversation took place with a mom who spent the entire time at the playground helicopter parenting her poor kid.

Helicopter Mom- You really should be interacting more with your child.

Me- She’s fine. She’s having fun.

Helicopter Mom- It’s important for their development.

Me- Let me guess, first child?

Helicopter Mom- Yes and I’m using every opportunity to teach my child- even at the playground.

Me- Well your kid is eating sand. Did you teach her that or is she just gifted?

 

Awkward Conversation #5: Our neighborhood had a BBQ recently so all the new residents could meet and greet the established residents. This conversation was with a new neighbor lady who was carrying a little yappy dog wearing a tutu and a tiara in her purse.

New Neighbor- So most of your family is Asian?

Me- Yes they are.

New Neighbor- I’ve always wondered- do y’all really eat dogs?

Me- Of course we do. We like the little yappy ones best, they’re jucier. Tastes just like chicken.

 

Awkward Conversation #6: While we were out to dinner one night an older lady came up to our table to be nosy and ask about Ty’s parentage.

Old Lady- So where did this young man get his red hair from?

Me- He was born with it.

Old Lady- Is he a child from your first marriage?

Me- Nope. 

Old Lady- How did he get red hair?

Me- My fallopian tubes are rusty and his hair turned red upon conception.

 

Awkward Conversation #7: We had Ty’s back-to-school night a couple of weeks ago and I was approached by an annoying mom whose kid tried to fight with Ty last year. The kid is an honor student who was struggling in math and tried to cheat off Ty’s test. He got mad when Ty said no.

Annoying Mom- I hope your son learned self control over the summer.

Me- My son has self control. Your son pushed mine and my kid walked away.

Annoying Mom- That’s not what my son said.

Me- It’s on video. 

Annoying Mom- Well I’m going to be unhappy if your son tries to beat up my son this year.

Me- Then you should tell your son to keep his hands to himself. Like in Kindegarten. Or should I go ahead and buy one of those “my kid beat up your honor student” bumper stickers? 

 

Awkward Conversation #8: As I mentioned we spent most of our summer at the pool. This conversation took place with a lady who was trying to read a book.

Book Lady- Can you tell your kids to stop splashing? They’re getting my book wet.

Me- You’re in a pool. With water. And kids. What did you think would happen?

 

Awkward Conversation #9: The elementary school had a meeting for all the car line drop off parents. This conversation happened with the lady sitting next to me in the meeting.

Car Line Lady- This is so stupid.

Me- What?

Car Line Lady- The no left turn in the morning rule. It’s so dumb.

Me- It just keeps the traffic flowing smoothly.

Car Line Lady- Well I’m going to be turning left. That rule doesn’t apply to me.

Me- Oh so you’re a narcissist. Good to know.

 

This edition of Awkward Conversations with Strangers brought to you by my extremely unfortunate luck with idiots. 

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