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WANTED: A SISTER-WIFE

Lately I’ve been thinking I should recruit a Sister-Wife. This brilliant idea popped into my brain while I was cleaning melted crayon out from inside the dryer for the third time so maybe it’s a coincident. I must admit that the whole share-a-husband Polygamy thing has never really appealed to me. I like to be the center of attention so sharing that with another woman would take some getting used to. Plus it’s a little skeevy to share a husband, but whatever. On the other hand, someone to share the cooking, cleaning, kid-raising and other mundane daily tasks- now that makes it worth a moment of consideration. What would I want in a sister-wife? I’ve made a list. You know how much I love my lists.

#1- She can’t be younger, prettier, funnier or have better hair than me. Period.
#2- She must be willing to be the number two wife. Cause I won’t be abdicating my throne.
#3- Dirty diapers- all hers. Nuff said.
#4- She must be willing to answer the phone, deal with solicitors and pretty much anything else I don’t want to deal with.
#5- She must understand and respect my love of the shopping. It’s an unhealthy romance, but it is what it is.
#6- She must not touch the Girl Scout cookies. They are mine. I will fight for them. Ask Matt. He’ll show you his scars.
#7- She must accept my anal-retentive, obsessive compulsive way of doing laundry. I realize it’s abnormal. Deal with it.
#8- She must never drink the last soda. I am Mrs. Dr. Pepper. Although lately I’ve been whoring around with the new Mountain Dew Voltage.
#9- She must find her own closet in which to hide from the children. I have my closet hidey-hole set up just the way I like it and I won’t share it. Ever.

Now, I had to think of something to sweeten the deal so I can entice some sister-wives. What can I offer?

#1- The use of my huge spa tub once a week for no more than an hour. And she must clean it when she’s done. Plus she must provide her own bubble bath cause she’s not using my expensive shit.
#2- One hour a week of free babysitting. And by babysitting, I mean that I will lock her children in the playroom with mine while I hide in the closet until that hour is over. Preferably with alcohol.
#3- The use of my mac-daddy mini van. Of course, this will mean she will also need to drive my kids to all their activities, do the grocery shopping and be in charge of cleaning the van out cause Matt hates it when the kid’s shit overflows and falls out when he opens the doors.
#4- An invitation to my ultimate summer fun hot tub parties. They include great music, kick ass Mojitos with those super chic umbrellas, and the best appetizers that The SuperTarget sells. Matt cooks the meat on his big man grill and we all get drunk on alcohol and Shrimp Kabobs.

I ran my list by Matt and suggested Jenna as a possible Sister-Wife, although I’m not sure what to do with Mr. Jenna. Matt claimed that one hardheaded woman was enough and immediately opened a beer so I’m not sure he’s on board with the whole Sister-Wife idea.  Maybe I can talk him into a houseboy named Pablo?