Friday is not starting out so good in our house. I am sick, complete with fever, chills and bitchiness. I have the Bitch Flu. Watch out, it’s contagious.
I tossed and turned all night, couldn’t get comfortable, couldn’t breathe through one side of my nose….what is up with that anyway? There’s nothing more annoying than trying to sleep with air whistling through the clogged nostril. Pretty soon, I’m trying to whistle out a little tune and just when I almost have it down, that nostril clears and the other one clogs. I digress….
Static Baby, appropriately nicknamed for the fabulously fun Static Cling-On stage that he is going through right now, is cutting teeth. Stupid teeth. Those better be some gorgeous pearly white’s that require no maintenance on my part. I’m expecting self cleaning, self polishing and self repairing for all the trouble they have caused in this house recently. Static Baby was awake 4 times last night, wanting to nurse. I nursed, I Orajel’d and I Tylenol’d him. Then I rocked, I swayed, I sang. Soon that turned into begging and pleading. Just as I was about to bring out the big guns, drinking and hiding, Matt offered to take over for a little while. Thanx evah so much for yoor generous offah sir, which conveniently came right around 6am. Where the hell was he for the past 5 hours? Oh yeah, that’s right…asleep.
I got 43 minutes of sleep before I had to get back up to get the others ready for school. 43 minutes was not nearly enough. Now not only do I have The Bitch Flu, I also am sleep deprived. Buckle your seat belt, this could get ugly. When I finally stumbled downstairs, bleary eyed and in need of caffeine, Matt was all a’fluster. There was no coffee made. This is Matt’s job in the morning. He makes the coffee. He’s made the coffee every single morning since the day we got married. Mainly cuz he hates the way I make coffee. But that’s beside the point. I’m still a little fuzzy on the sequence of events but from what I can piece together it all went awry when Cam made pee pee on the bathroom floor beside the toilet instead of in it. Matt was just starting to make the coffee when he heard the tell tale ‘uh oh’ that sends every parent a runnin‘. He encountered a mini version of The Bathroom of Doom. He had to hustle to clean it up before the pee river ran underneath Stella and Frank. He cleaned it up and went back to making the coffee. He was quickly interrupted by Ty yelling that the other toilet was clogged. I do not understand how an 8 year old boy can manage to clog up a toilet every single time he has to go number two, or drop the kids off at the pool as Matt likes to say. S’rsly. What does this kid eat that makes the toilet say ‘hell no’ every single time?! That cannot be normal. Matt strongly encouraged him to start saving the “kids” to drop off at the pool at school from now on. Anyhoo, when Ty yelled about the toilet clog, Matt got startled and dropped the bag of coffee. All over the floor. All of it. On the floor.
This was about the time that I stumbled down the stairs. First thing I saw was the coffee all over the floor. My coffee. I stopped. I gasped. I screeched. ‘My precious.’
Matt was totally alarmed at the amount of Gollum in my tone. Rightfully so.
All of a sudden, he had to rush off to work in a great hurry. Damn him. I stared longingly at the coffee maker for a moment. Then I got down on my hands and knees and scooped up the spilled coffee. Oh yes I did. I am not ashamed. As I stood savoring the smell of the brewing coffee, I remembered. The toilet. The clogged toilet. Matt left me with a clogged toilet. 20 minutes, 100 plunges and 5000 naughty words later, the toilet is still clogged and the plunger is broken.
Matt will pay for this.
He. will. pay.