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He Said, She Said: The Dermatologist

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Setting the Scene: I have this weird skin tag thing on my neck that’s been there (and growing) for a few months. It’s annoying but not painful and I haven’t had time to deal with it yet. The following conversation took place after I accidentally scratched it while getting ready for a Christmas party.

She Said: Is it bleeding?

He Said: I don’t think so.

She Said: Are you sure? I don’t want to pull on my sweater if it’s bleeding.

He Said: Why don’t you just go to the dermatologist and get it taken off?

She Said: That’s $40. 

He Said: So?

She Said: Why would I pay $40 for something I can do myself for free. 

He Said: Do it how?

She Said: Tweezers and a sharp knife. That’ll take care of it in 15 seconds.

He Said: That’s awful.

She Said: But it’s free.

He Said: It sounds painful.

She Said: Only for a man.

He Said: You should not be slicing things off your body with a knife.

She Said: You’d be amazed at what I can slice off with a knife.

He Said: You terrify me.

She Said: Aw. Thanks.

He Said: Not a compliment.

She Said: Nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

He Said: You’re twisted.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: The Thermostat

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Setting the scene: The biggest battles I ever remember my parents having when I was a kid were over the thermostat. I used to think it was ridiculous to argue over something so dumb. Now I’m married and I get it. The following conversation took place when Matt came home from work one day last week. 

He Said: Why is it so hot in here?

She Said: It’s not hot. It’s cold in here. 

He Said: It’s so hot you can see steam when you open the door. 

She Said: Well now you’re just being ridiculous. 

He Said: Am I? Look, the thermostat is set to 72 degrees. 

She Said: That’s not hot! It’s 44 degrees outside. 

He Said: It should be set on 68. 

She Said: Only if you’re an Eskimo. Actually I’d be happier if it was on 74.

He Said: Well now you’re just crazy. What are we? Made of money?

She Said: You’re so dramatic. Just turn it up. 

He Said: Well if I turn it up to 74 in the winter then you should be able to live with it at 74 in the summer. 

She Said: That’s different. 

He Said: How is that different? 74 is 74. 

She Said: No. 74 in the winter is just warm enough to not hibernate. 74 in the summer is surface of the sun. 

He Said: That makes no sense. 

She Said: I don’t have to make sense. I’m a woman. 

He Said: I have no argument for that. 

She Said: Point, set, match. 

He Said: I’m going to change. Into shorts and a tshirt apparently. 

She Said: Great. Turn up the thermostat on your way past. 

He Said: …..lots of things under his breath

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He Said, She Said: The ABC Store

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Setting the Scene: Thanksgiving is this week. I don’t know how it happened. My house is a disaster, like a hazmat disaster, I still need to go to the grocery store, and we have a house full of guests showing up soon. The following conversation took place when Matt discovered a potential life altering problem in our house. 

He Said: We’re almost out of alcohol.

She Said: How much is left?

He Said: Enough for maybe one drink.

She Said: You’ll have to go to the ABC store on the way home tomorrow.

He Said: Can it wait until the weekend?

She Said: Well. We have more than 20 people showing up to our house for Thanksgiving. Have you seen the state of our house right now?

He Said: I have.

She Said: And I have to cook the meal, and the appetizers, and the desserts.

He Said: I know.

She Said: I deserve alcohol.

He Said: So….that’s a no? It can’t wait until the weekend?

She Said: Is your mother spending the night?

He Said: Ok. It’s a no. Gotcha.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: The Empty Milk Jug

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Setting the Scene: One of the things these people in my house do that drive me nuts is leave empty or nearly empty food containers in the fridge. Apparently I am the only one bothered by such behavior. The following conversation took place when Matt found an empty milk jug in the fridge.

He Said: Who did this?

She Said: Did what?

He Said: Left an empty milk jug in the fridge.

She Said: Don’t know. But look, it’s not totally empty yet.

He Said: Oh I’m sorry. Who left a milk jug with literally a Tbsp of milk in the fridge?

She Said: Still don’t know.

He Said: What in the hell? What kind of deviant behavior is this?

She Said: Well, we did tell them not to leave empty containers in the fridge. Technically they listened. 

He Said: That’s not funny.

She Said: Oh, now it bothers you. Now that you have to be the one to go get another jug of milk out of the garage fridge. Doesn’t bother you so much when it’s me. I see.

He Said: That’s not the point.

She Said: Oh that’s my point. That’s definitely my point.

He Said: Next week- buy skim milk. I’m pouring it in the regular milk jug. Teach these little jerks a lesson.

She Said: Harsh. I like it.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Homework Help

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Setting the Scene: Tyler has a huge paper due for his English class this week. The class started all the prep and prelim work for this paper while Tyler was in the concussion protocol so he was way behind and having trouble catching up. I spent almost 7 hours this weekend helping him do the research and finish his paper. The following conversation took place when Matt saw me banging my head on the table.

He Said: I’m not sure if I should ask what’s going on or if I should just back out of the room slowly.

She Said: Backing out of the room is the safer choice but I would definitely think less of you.

He Said: I can probably live with that. Why are you banging your head?

She Said: I’m helping Tyler with an English paper.

He Said: Okaaaaaay. If you’re helping Tyler, then where is Tyler?

She Said: He went to get his laptop charger. He left it at a friend’s house.

He Said: Is he coming back?

She Said: I hope so. I’m not writing this paper.

He Said: Oh he is definitely not coming back.

She Said: Awesome. Then he’s on his own. I’m not doing his homework for him.

He Said: At least, not for free. Paper writers get good money.

She Said: Well he borrowed 3 bucks from me yesterday for lunch so I’m assuming he cannot afford my fees. Be worried if he asks to borrow a large sum of money from you.

He Said: I don’t loan money to slackers. 

She Said: Good plan. 

He Said: I also don’t offer homework help to slackers.

She Said: Do you want him to live here forever? If he can’t graduate high school then he will live here. With us. Forever.

He Said: I’m just going to go find him and tell him to get back to work.

She Said: Good plan.

The End. 

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