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He Said, She Said: Car Line

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Setting the Scene: School for Ty started last week and the other 3 kids start next week. We received an email from Maia’s new school regarding car line procedures. The following conversation took place after I read the email to Matt. 

He Said: So, they seriously sent that long of an email just about car line?

She Said: Oh yes, yes they did. 

He Said: Is it really that hard?

She Said: Oh my friend, I can tell you didn’t do car line a lot in the last few years.

He Said: But they said we have to watch a video. Do we really need to watch a video? About car line?

She Said: Apparently.

He Said: Who are these people who can’t figure out car line? You drive in, you drive around, you stay in line, you drop your kid off, you drive away. It’s not that hard.

She Said: You’d be surprised.

He Said: People really don’t understand this process?

She Said: Last year a dad drove up on the sidewalk to drop off his kid. And a lady knocked over every single orange cone. And another lady mowed down the PTA sign…although I understand that one. These people just don’t understand how it works.

He Said: I’m a little scared.

She Said: You should be. Just prepare for the zombie apocalypse and you’ll be fine. 

He Said: Dear God….

She Said: Good luck. 

The End.

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He Said, She Said: School Schedule

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Setting the Scene: Ty started his new charter school today which means we all started our new school schedule today. I’m tired, y’all. The following conversation took place earlier this week as I was reading the morning car line procedures to Matt.

He Said: So, wait. What time does he have to be there?

She Said: His first bell is at 7:10am.

He Said: So he has to be there at 7:10?

She Said: No. The first bell is at 7:10 so he has to be in his class by 7:10 or he’s tardy.

He Said: Ok so he needs to be there by 7:08.

She Said: Uh, probably more like 7:00 to give him time to walk to his class.

He Said: He can walk faster than that.

She Said: No he can’t. Not at that time of morning. He’s like a sluth.

He Said: What in the heck is a sluth?

She Said: Part slug, part sloth.

He Said: What is it with you and the sloth?

She Said: It’s my spirit animal.

He Said: I don’t know what to say to that.

She Said: Nobody ever does. 

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Questionable Neighbors

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Setting the Scene: Our neighborhood participated in the National Neighbors Night Out last night. We celebrated with a huge cookout at our clubhouse with lots of food, games, and good times. The following conversation took place at the cookout.

He Said: Who is the older lady with the big hat on?

She Said: Which one?

He Said: The one with the big straw hat and large sunglasses.

She Said: Not sure who you’re talking about. Why?

He Said: She patted my butt. I thought it was an accident but then I saw her pat Joe’s* butt too as she walked past him.

She Said: Show me who it is.

He Said: The lady right over there with the blue shirt on and the big hat.

She Said: Uhhhhh….that’s not a lady. That’s a man. He lives a few streets over.

He Said: Well. I feel dirty. Time to go.

She Said: Calm yourself. He’s a retired football coach. He patted butts for a living.

He Said: Somehow that doesn’t make me feel better.

She Said: Wussy.

The End.

*Not his real name. 

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He Said, She Said: A Sugar Daddy

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Setting the Scene: Having 2 kids entering charter schools this Fall is such a great thing for our family and our kids. Unfortunately it’s also a super expensive venture to get started. There’s a lot of fees to pay and stuff to purchase. The following conversation took place when Matt and I were discussing all these expenses.

She Said: Don’t forget, tomorrow is the last day to pay the bus fee for Tyler.

He Said: Didn’t we just pay that?

She Said: Nope, that was the laptop deployment fee.

He Said: I thought we paid that last week.

She Said: Nope, that was the sports registration and football camp fee.

He Said: No, we have to pay that on Friday.

She Said: No, that’s Maia’s volleyball fee.

He Said: So are we done? Is that all?

She Said: Nope. We still have to buy all of Maia’s uniform pieces. And pay her transportation fee. And her technology fee. 

He Said: Please tell me there is another man somewhere supporting you.

She Said: I wish. 

He Said: Me too. 

She Said: I’m open to a sugar daddy if you come across a good candidate at work.

He Said: Requirements?

She Said: Old and preferably on heart medications.

He Said: I’ll keep my eye out, Anna Nicole Smith.

She Said: That’s all I’m asking.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: The Kid At The Pool

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Setting the Scene: We spend a lot of time at the neighborhood pool as a family. We are very strict with our kids regarding what behavior is not acceptable while at the pool. Unfortunately not all parents share our philosophy. The following conversation took place after Matt was sprayed in the face for the 15th time by a kid with a water gun.

He Said: I really dislike that kid.

She Said: I know.

He Said: No. I mean, I really really dislike that kid.

She Said: I know. I get it.

He Said: Where are his parents?

She Said: The lady over there sunbathing with her top untied. That’s the mom.

He Said: The one whose on her 5th or 6th margarita?

She Said: Yep.

He Said: Good to know he’s being supervised diligently. 

She Said: She’s usually drunk and asleep. So….

He Said: So everyone just has to be terrorized by little Chucky while they swim?

She Said: Yep.

He Said: If he sprays me in the face one more time I might hold his head underwater for awhile.

She Said: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.

He Said: Better than tossing him over the fence and letting the geese chase him into the pond.

She Said: Well that escalated quickly.

He Said: I go with my strengths.

She Said: Anger and felonies?

He Said: Whatever gets that kid to stop spraying me in the face.

The End.

**No little bratty kids were harmed at the pool that day. I make no promises about next time thought. Matt really dislikes that kid. 

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