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He Said, She Said: Homework Help

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Setting the Scene: Tyler has a huge paper due for his English class this week. The class started all the prep and prelim work for this paper while Tyler was in the concussion protocol so he was way behind and having trouble catching up. I spent almost 7 hours this weekend helping him do the research and finish his paper. The following conversation took place when Matt saw me banging my head on the table.

He Said: I’m not sure if I should ask what’s going on or if I should just back out of the room slowly.

She Said: Backing out of the room is the safer choice but I would definitely think less of you.

He Said: I can probably live with that. Why are you banging your head?

She Said: I’m helping Tyler with an English paper.

He Said: Okaaaaaay. If you’re helping Tyler, then where is Tyler?

She Said: He went to get his laptop charger. He left it at a friend’s house.

He Said: Is he coming back?

She Said: I hope so. I’m not writing this paper.

He Said: Oh he is definitely not coming back.

She Said: Awesome. Then he’s on his own. I’m not doing his homework for him.

He Said: At least, not for free. Paper writers get good money.

She Said: Well he borrowed 3 bucks from me yesterday for lunch so I’m assuming he cannot afford my fees. Be worried if he asks to borrow a large sum of money from you.

He Said: I don’t loan money to slackers. 

She Said: Good plan. 

He Said: I also don’t offer homework help to slackers.

She Said: Do you want him to live here forever? If he can’t graduate high school then he will live here. With us. Forever.

He Said: I’m just going to go find him and tell him to get back to work.

She Said: Good plan.

The End. 

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He Said, She Said: Math Homework

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Setting the Scene: Normally I’m the one who helps with homework in the afternoons before Matt even gets home from work. But this week has been a different story. With Tyler having a concussion we’ve had doctors appointments and meetings with the school trainer, and concussion protocol stuff. So Matt has been drafted into service to help Mase with his math homework. The following conversation took place last night when I got home after dinner with Tyler.

She Said: So did everyone eat? Shower? Do homework?

He Said: Yep.

She Said: Did you supervise homework or do I need to check it?

He Said: I helped. What the hell is an array?

She Said: Ahhhh, you helped with math. Lucky you.

He Said: I’m so confused.

She Said: I know. Did Mase explain what an array is?

He Said: He did. But I still don’t get it. 

She Said: It took me awhile. It’s ok. As long as one of us understands it.

He Said: But I’ve never not understood math before. I’m usually not the…

She Said: The what? The dumb one?

He Said: I didn’t say that.

She Said: But it’s what you meant. Well at least I know what an array is. So who’s the dumb one now? Who’s the dumb one now?

He Said: Me. It’s me. I’m the dumb one now. 

She Said: Boom. Mic drop. 

He Said: I’m getting a beer.

She Said: Alcoholism is never the answer. 

He Said: That’s just what the Baptists want you to believe. 

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Appropriate Tailgating

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Setting the Scene: This Friday is homecoming at Tyler’s school. The football parents are doing a huge BBQ tailgate fundraiser. The following conversation took place when Matt and I were discussing our tailgate plans.

He Said: So how many people do we have coming?

She Said: 27 people in total, including kids.

He Said: So we’re buying the BBQ in bulk. And you’re bringing the buns.

She Said: I always bring the buns. 

He Said: Funny. 

She Said: Yes I’m bringing the buns, and chips, and potato salad. And we’ll buy the desserts from the bake sale.

He Said: Wait. You’re bringing the brownies to sell at the bake sale. And then we have to buy them back to eat at the tailgate?

She Said: Yep.

He Said: That’s not right. 

She Said: It’s what we’re doing. Just get on board with it. 

He Said: Can’t you just make a double batch and we’ll eat half of them while we tailgate?

She Said: That’s not how it’s done. The bake sale is a huge fundraiser. Do you want to be the only parent not buying stuff from the bake sale? These fundraisers are what pay for football equipment for our team.

He Said: Well then we should sell beer and alcohol. We’d make a killing.

She Said: Not appropriate tailgate behavior.

He Said: We’re not appropriate tailgate people.

She Said: Truer words have never been spoken.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Vegas

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Setting the Scene: Matt got invited to go to Vegas recently. The following conversation took place when he called to ask me if he could go. Seriously.

He Said: So I got invited to Vegas with John*.

She Said: Oh really.

He Said: Yeah. His wife isn’t going to go so he has an extra ticket.

She Said: And when is he leaving?

He Said: At 4.

She Said: Today? At 4:00 today?

He Said: Yeah.

She Said: It’s 2:30.

He Said: So….that’s a no?

She Said: That’s a “are you freaking kidding me, do you know how much we have to do this weekend?”

He Said: Ok. So definitely a no then.

She Said: I mean, you can go. But you might not want to come home afterwards.

He Said: Ok. I’ll tell him maybe next time. But what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, you know?

She Said: Uh-huh. Except for Herpes. That stuff is gonna follow you home.

He Said: That’s true….good point.

The End.

*Not his real name.

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He Said, She Said: Car Line

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Setting the Scene: School for Ty started last week and the other 3 kids start next week. We received an email from Maia’s new school regarding car line procedures. The following conversation took place after I read the email to Matt. 

He Said: So, they seriously sent that long of an email just about car line?

She Said: Oh yes, yes they did. 

He Said: Is it really that hard?

She Said: Oh my friend, I can tell you didn’t do car line a lot in the last few years.

He Said: But they said we have to watch a video. Do we really need to watch a video? About car line?

She Said: Apparently.

He Said: Who are these people who can’t figure out car line? You drive in, you drive around, you stay in line, you drop your kid off, you drive away. It’s not that hard.

She Said: You’d be surprised.

He Said: People really don’t understand this process?

She Said: Last year a dad drove up on the sidewalk to drop off his kid. And a lady knocked over every single orange cone. And another lady mowed down the PTA sign…although I understand that one. These people just don’t understand how it works.

He Said: I’m a little scared.

She Said: You should be. Just prepare for the zombie apocalypse and you’ll be fine. 

He Said: Dear God….

She Said: Good luck. 

The End.

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