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He Said, She Said: The ABC Store


Setting the Scene: Thanksgiving is this week. I don’t know how it happened. My house is a disaster, like a hazmat disaster, I still need to go to the grocery store, and we have a house full of guests showing up soon. The following conversation took place when Matt discovered a potential life altering problem in our house. 

He Said: We’re almost out of alcohol.

She Said: How much is left?

He Said: Enough for maybe one drink.

She Said: You’ll have to go to the ABC store on the way home tomorrow.

He Said: Can it wait until the weekend?

She Said: Well. We have more than 20 people showing up to our house for Thanksgiving. Have you seen the state of our house right now?

He Said: I have.

She Said: And I have to cook the meal, and the appetizers, and the desserts.

He Said: I know.

She Said: I deserve alcohol.

He Said: So….that’s a no? It can’t wait until the weekend?

She Said: Is your mother spending the night?

He Said: Ok. It’s a no. Gotcha.

The End.


He Said, She Said: The Empty Milk Jug


Setting the Scene: One of the things these people in my house do that drive me nuts is leave empty or nearly empty food containers in the fridge. Apparently I am the only one bothered by such behavior. The following conversation took place when Matt found an empty milk jug in the fridge.

He Said: Who did this?

She Said: Did what?

He Said: Left an empty milk jug in the fridge.

She Said: Don’t know. But look, it’s not totally empty yet.

He Said: Oh I’m sorry. Who left a milk jug with literally a Tbsp of milk in the fridge?

She Said: Still don’t know.

He Said: What in the hell? What kind of deviant behavior is this?

She Said: Well, we did tell them not to leave empty containers in the fridge. Technically they listened. 

He Said: That’s not funny.

She Said: Oh, now it bothers you. Now that you have to be the one to go get another jug of milk out of the garage fridge. Doesn’t bother you so much when it’s me. I see.

He Said: That’s not the point.

She Said: Oh that’s my point. That’s definitely my point.

He Said: Next week- buy skim milk. I’m pouring it in the regular milk jug. Teach these little jerks a lesson.

She Said: Harsh. I like it.

The End.


He Said, She Said: Homework Help


Setting the Scene: Tyler has a huge paper due for his English class this week. The class started all the prep and prelim work for this paper while Tyler was in the concussion protocol so he was way behind and having trouble catching up. I spent almost 7 hours this weekend helping him do the research and finish his paper. The following conversation took place when Matt saw me banging my head on the table.

He Said: I’m not sure if I should ask what’s going on or if I should just back out of the room slowly.

She Said: Backing out of the room is the safer choice but I would definitely think less of you.

He Said: I can probably live with that. Why are you banging your head?

She Said: I’m helping Tyler with an English paper.

He Said: Okaaaaaay. If you’re helping Tyler, then where is Tyler?

She Said: He went to get his laptop charger. He left it at a friend’s house.

He Said: Is he coming back?

She Said: I hope so. I’m not writing this paper.

He Said: Oh he is definitely not coming back.

She Said: Awesome. Then he’s on his own. I’m not doing his homework for him.

He Said: At least, not for free. Paper writers get good money.

She Said: Well he borrowed 3 bucks from me yesterday for lunch so I’m assuming he cannot afford my fees. Be worried if he asks to borrow a large sum of money from you.

He Said: I don’t loan money to slackers. 

She Said: Good plan. 

He Said: I also don’t offer homework help to slackers.

She Said: Do you want him to live here forever? If he can’t graduate high school then he will live here. With us. Forever.

He Said: I’m just going to go find him and tell him to get back to work.

She Said: Good plan.

The End. 


He Said, She Said: Math Homework


Setting the Scene: Normally I’m the one who helps with homework in the afternoons before Matt even gets home from work. But this week has been a different story. With Tyler having a concussion we’ve had doctors appointments and meetings with the school trainer, and concussion protocol stuff. So Matt has been drafted into service to help Mase with his math homework. The following conversation took place last night when I got home after dinner with Tyler.

She Said: So did everyone eat? Shower? Do homework?

He Said: Yep.

She Said: Did you supervise homework or do I need to check it?

He Said: I helped. What the hell is an array?

She Said: Ahhhh, you helped with math. Lucky you.

He Said: I’m so confused.

She Said: I know. Did Mase explain what an array is?

He Said: He did. But I still don’t get it. 

She Said: It took me awhile. It’s ok. As long as one of us understands it.

He Said: But I’ve never not understood math before. I’m usually not the…

She Said: The what? The dumb one?

He Said: I didn’t say that.

She Said: But it’s what you meant. Well at least I know what an array is. So who’s the dumb one now? Who’s the dumb one now?

He Said: Me. It’s me. I’m the dumb one now. 

She Said: Boom. Mic drop. 

He Said: I’m getting a beer.

She Said: Alcoholism is never the answer. 

He Said: That’s just what the Baptists want you to believe. 

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Appropriate Tailgating


Setting the Scene: This Friday is homecoming at Tyler’s school. The football parents are doing a huge BBQ tailgate fundraiser. The following conversation took place when Matt and I were discussing our tailgate plans.

He Said: So how many people do we have coming?

She Said: 27 people in total, including kids.

He Said: So we’re buying the BBQ in bulk. And you’re bringing the buns.

She Said: I always bring the buns. 

He Said: Funny. 

She Said: Yes I’m bringing the buns, and chips, and potato salad. And we’ll buy the desserts from the bake sale.

He Said: Wait. You’re bringing the brownies to sell at the bake sale. And then we have to buy them back to eat at the tailgate?

She Said: Yep.

He Said: That’s not right. 

She Said: It’s what we’re doing. Just get on board with it. 

He Said: Can’t you just make a double batch and we’ll eat half of them while we tailgate?

She Said: That’s not how it’s done. The bake sale is a huge fundraiser. Do you want to be the only parent not buying stuff from the bake sale? These fundraisers are what pay for football equipment for our team.

He Said: Well then we should sell beer and alcohol. We’d make a killing.

She Said: Not appropriate tailgate behavior.

He Said: We’re not appropriate tailgate people.

She Said: Truer words have never been spoken.

The End.

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