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He Said, She Said: Appropriate Tailgating

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Setting the Scene: This Friday is homecoming at Tyler’s school. The football parents are doing a huge BBQ tailgate fundraiser. The following conversation took place when Matt and I were discussing our tailgate plans.

He Said: So how many people do we have coming?

She Said: 27 people in total, including kids.

He Said: So we’re buying the BBQ in bulk. And you’re bringing the buns.

She Said: I always bring the buns. 

He Said: Funny. 

She Said: Yes I’m bringing the buns, and chips, and potato salad. And we’ll buy the desserts from the bake sale.

He Said: Wait. You’re bringing the brownies to sell at the bake sale. And then we have to buy them back to eat at the tailgate?

She Said: Yep.

He Said: That’s not right. 

She Said: It’s what we’re doing. Just get on board with it. 

He Said: Can’t you just make a double batch and we’ll eat half of them while we tailgate?

She Said: That’s not how it’s done. The bake sale is a huge fundraiser. Do you want to be the only parent not buying stuff from the bake sale? These fundraisers are what pay for football equipment for our team.

He Said: Well then we should sell beer and alcohol. We’d make a killing.

She Said: Not appropriate tailgate behavior.

He Said: We’re not appropriate tailgate people.

She Said: Truer words have never been spoken.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Vegas

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Setting the Scene: Matt got invited to go to Vegas recently. The following conversation took place when he called to ask me if he could go. Seriously.

He Said: So I got invited to Vegas with John*.

She Said: Oh really.

He Said: Yeah. His wife isn’t going to go so he has an extra ticket.

She Said: And when is he leaving?

He Said: At 4.

She Said: Today? At 4:00 today?

He Said: Yeah.

She Said: It’s 2:30.

He Said: So….that’s a no?

She Said: That’s a “are you freaking kidding me, do you know how much we have to do this weekend?”

He Said: Ok. So definitely a no then.

She Said: I mean, you can go. But you might not want to come home afterwards.

He Said: Ok. I’ll tell him maybe next time. But what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, you know?

She Said: Uh-huh. Except for Herpes. That stuff is gonna follow you home.

He Said: That’s true….good point.

The End.

*Not his real name.

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He Said, She Said: Car Line

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Setting the Scene: School for Ty started last week and the other 3 kids start next week. We received an email from Maia’s new school regarding car line procedures. The following conversation took place after I read the email to Matt. 

He Said: So, they seriously sent that long of an email just about car line?

She Said: Oh yes, yes they did. 

He Said: Is it really that hard?

She Said: Oh my friend, I can tell you didn’t do car line a lot in the last few years.

He Said: But they said we have to watch a video. Do we really need to watch a video? About car line?

She Said: Apparently.

He Said: Who are these people who can’t figure out car line? You drive in, you drive around, you stay in line, you drop your kid off, you drive away. It’s not that hard.

She Said: You’d be surprised.

He Said: People really don’t understand this process?

She Said: Last year a dad drove up on the sidewalk to drop off his kid. And a lady knocked over every single orange cone. And another lady mowed down the PTA sign…although I understand that one. These people just don’t understand how it works.

He Said: I’m a little scared.

She Said: You should be. Just prepare for the zombie apocalypse and you’ll be fine. 

He Said: Dear God….

She Said: Good luck. 

The End.

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He Said, She Said: School Schedule

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Setting the Scene: Ty started his new charter school today which means we all started our new school schedule today. I’m tired, y’all. The following conversation took place earlier this week as I was reading the morning car line procedures to Matt.

He Said: So, wait. What time does he have to be there?

She Said: His first bell is at 7:10am.

He Said: So he has to be there at 7:10?

She Said: No. The first bell is at 7:10 so he has to be in his class by 7:10 or he’s tardy.

He Said: Ok so he needs to be there by 7:08.

She Said: Uh, probably more like 7:00 to give him time to walk to his class.

He Said: He can walk faster than that.

She Said: No he can’t. Not at that time of morning. He’s like a sluth.

He Said: What in the heck is a sluth?

She Said: Part slug, part sloth.

He Said: What is it with you and the sloth?

She Said: It’s my spirit animal.

He Said: I don’t know what to say to that.

She Said: Nobody ever does. 

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Questionable Neighbors

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Setting the Scene: Our neighborhood participated in the National Neighbors Night Out last night. We celebrated with a huge cookout at our clubhouse with lots of food, games, and good times. The following conversation took place at the cookout.

He Said: Who is the older lady with the big hat on?

She Said: Which one?

He Said: The one with the big straw hat and large sunglasses.

She Said: Not sure who you’re talking about. Why?

He Said: She patted my butt. I thought it was an accident but then I saw her pat Joe’s* butt too as she walked past him.

She Said: Show me who it is.

He Said: The lady right over there with the blue shirt on and the big hat.

She Said: Uhhhhh….that’s not a lady. That’s a man. He lives a few streets over.

He Said: Well. I feel dirty. Time to go.

She Said: Calm yourself. He’s a retired football coach. He patted butts for a living.

He Said: Somehow that doesn’t make me feel better.

She Said: Wussy.

The End.

*Not his real name. 

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