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He Said, She Said: Extortion

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. Your welcome.}

Setting the Scene: Matt was recruited to take Maia to her dental appointment because both Zoey and Mase were sick and I couldn’t in good conscience take them to the dentists office to spread the plague. The following conversation took place on the phone when Matt arrived at the dentist’s office.

He Said: I forgot to get the new insurance card and the office lady says I have to have it for them to file for insurance reimbursement.

She Said: You mean the insurance card that I handed to you 3 weeks ago, then clipped to the fridge for you to see every single time you opened it? The one I reminded you to put in your wallet no less than 100 times in the past 3 weeks? You mean that one?

He Said: Yeah. That one.

She Said: I see. And what do you think should happen here?

He Said: Can you bring me the insurance card? If I reschedule the appointment I’ll have to pay a $25 cancellation fee.

She Said: I will wake up both sick kids, dress them and then drag them out of the house to bring you the insurance card that you should have put in your wallet when I told you to 3 weeks ago. I’ll do that for you.

He Said: Ok. Thanks?

She Said: Uh huh.

He Said: I’m going to pay for this, aren’t I?

She Said: It would be cheaper to pay the cancellation fee.

He Said: I’ll pick up dinner. How does burgers sound?

She Said: Not as good as Japanese sounds. I’m thinking….sushi.

He Said: Sounds like bribery to me.

She Said: More like an expensive lesson to learn. Did you learn anything?

He Said: Yeah. That my wife has the skills necessary to become a world class extortionist.

She Said: Thank you.

He Said: Not so much a compliment.

The End.



He Said, She Said: Being Tom Brady

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. Your welcome.}

Setting the Scene: In the middle of our annual Superbowl Party, Ty turned to Matt and made the slightly sarcastic comment “I bet you wish you were Tom Brady”. The following conversation took place immediately afterwards.

He Said: Oh Yeah. I’d be Tom Brady.

She Said: You’re a Giants fan.

He Said: I’d still be Tom Brady.

She Said: Why?

He Said: If I’m Tom Brady then you are Gisele.

She Said: Did you really just say that out loud?

He Said: What? What did I say?

She Said: You don’t see where you went wrong? I’ll just give you a minute to ponder it.

Cue Jeopardy music here.

He Said: Nope. What did I say?
She Said: Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to figure it out tonight. From the couch. Where you’ll be sleeping.

He Said: You’re not going to tell me are you?

She Said: Call Gisele. Maybe she will tell you.

He Said: Yeah like I’d be lucky enough to get her to take my call.

She Said: No blankets for you.

He Said: What?

She Said: Keep talking and I’ll take away the pillow too.

He Said: Is it too late to blame this whole conversation on the beer?

The End.



He Said, She Said: Teenage Attitude

You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. You’re welcome.

Setting the Scene: One night last week as we sat gathered around the dinner table to eat. Matt asked Maia a question and her answer struck her dad as funny so he proceeded to tease her a little bit. She got huffy, rolled her eyes, stomped up stairs and slammed the door. The following took place immediately after her door slammed.

He Said: What the hell was that about?

She Said: You can’t tease her like that. She’s a girl and she’s sensitive to teasing.

He Said: I don’t like that attitude she’s been dishing out lately.

She Said: You mean the teenage girl attitude?

He Said: She’s 7.

She Said: And?…..

He Said: It’s too soon for that attitude. The eye rolling, the sighing, the slamming doors and stomping feet. And the looking at me like I’m an idiot. It’s like….

She Said: Having 2 wives?

Silence.

The End.



He Said, She Said: Cleaning The Mess

You know all those stupid and/or funny little moments in a marriage that make you shake your head and wonder if you’re losing your mind? We have lots of those around here in The Semi-Domesticated House. I’m going to share some of them so you can giggle at the sheer ridiculousness that is marriage. Welcome to the He Said, She Said: True Stories series.

Setting the Scene: One night last week around 1am as Matt and I were getting ready to go to bed. I was already upstairs and heard some naughty words coming from the kitchen. I did not investigate because I did not want to know. The following took place when Matt arrived in the bedroom.

He Said: I spilled a whole cup of the kids juice down the back of the fridge shelf.

She Said: Did you clean it up?

He Said: I’ll do it tomorrow.

She Said: So basically that means I will get to do it tomorrow because there’s no way you will do it before you go to work.

He Said: I’ll do it when I get home tomorrow night.

She Said: No, don’t worry. I’ll dismantle the whole fridge and clean it while cursing your name and plotting to poison your dinner.

He Said: Can’t we just buy a new fridge?

She Said: No, it’s ok. I will clean it. Then I’ll poison your dinner, you will have a raging case of the shits and all will be right with my world again.

The fridge was sparkling clean when I got up the next morning.

The End.