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He Said, She Said: Being Tom Brady

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. Your welcome.}

Setting the Scene: In the middle of our annual Superbowl Party, Ty turned to Matt and made the slightly sarcastic comment “I bet you wish you were Tom Brady”. The following conversation took place immediately afterwards.

He Said: Oh Yeah. I’d be Tom Brady.

She Said: You’re a Giants fan.

He Said: I’d still be Tom Brady.

She Said: Why?

He Said: If I’m Tom Brady then you are Gisele.

She Said: Did you really just say that out loud?

He Said: What? What did I say?

She Said: You don’t see where you went wrong? I’ll just give you a minute to ponder it.

Cue Jeopardy music here.

He Said: Nope. What did I say?
She Said: Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to figure it out tonight. From the couch. Where you’ll be sleeping.

He Said: You’re not going to tell me are you?

She Said: Call Gisele. Maybe she will tell you.

He Said: Yeah like I’d be lucky enough to get her to take my call.

She Said: No blankets for you.

He Said: What?

She Said: Keep talking and I’ll take away the pillow too.

He Said: Is it too late to blame this whole conversation on the beer?

The End.



He Said, She Said: Teenage Attitude

You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. You’re welcome.

Setting the Scene: One night last week as we sat gathered around the dinner table to eat. Matt asked Maia a question and her answer struck her dad as funny so he proceeded to tease her a little bit. She got huffy, rolled her eyes, stomped up stairs and slammed the door. The following took place immediately after her door slammed.

He Said: What the hell was that about?

She Said: You can’t tease her like that. She’s a girl and she’s sensitive to teasing.

He Said: I don’t like that attitude she’s been dishing out lately.

She Said: You mean the teenage girl attitude?

He Said: She’s 7.

She Said: And?…..

He Said: It’s too soon for that attitude. The eye rolling, the sighing, the slamming doors and stomping feet. And the looking at me like I’m an idiot. It’s like….

She Said: Having 2 wives?

Silence.

The End.



He Said, She Said: Cleaning The Mess

You know all those stupid and/or funny little moments in a marriage that make you shake your head and wonder if you’re losing your mind? We have lots of those around here in The Semi-Domesticated House. I’m going to share some of them so you can giggle at the sheer ridiculousness that is marriage. Welcome to the He Said, She Said: True Stories series.

Setting the Scene: One night last week around 1am as Matt and I were getting ready to go to bed. I was already upstairs and heard some naughty words coming from the kitchen. I did not investigate because I did not want to know. The following took place when Matt arrived in the bedroom.

He Said: I spilled a whole cup of the kids juice down the back of the fridge shelf.

She Said: Did you clean it up?

He Said: I’ll do it tomorrow.

She Said: So basically that means I will get to do it tomorrow because there’s no way you will do it before you go to work.

He Said: I’ll do it when I get home tomorrow night.

She Said: No, don’t worry. I’ll dismantle the whole fridge and clean it while cursing your name and plotting to poison your dinner.

He Said: Can’t we just buy a new fridge?

She Said: No, it’s ok. I will clean it. Then I’ll poison your dinner, you will have a raging case of the shits and all will be right with my world again.

The fridge was sparkling clean when I got up the next morning.

The End.