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He Said, She Said: The Flu

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. Your welcome.}

Setting the Scene: Last week I had the flu. It was ugly. Matt had an unavoidable meeting at work that could not be rescheduled so I was at home alone with the kids all day. Again, it was ugly. I retreated to the bedroom to die in peace when he did finally make it home to take over parenthood duties. The following took place over a 30 minute time period. I wish I was joking.

He Said: (Opening the bedroom door) Should I let the kids have cereal for dinner or do I have to cook something?

She Said: I don’t care.

(Door closes).

3 minutes later.

He Said: They don’t want cereal, they want pancakes. Do we have any of that mix?

She Said: I don’t know.

(Door closes).

A minute later.

He Said: I’m just going to run to McD’s and grab some burgers. Do you want anything?

She Said: I want death. I just want to die.

(Door closes).

The children scream and fight for the entire 10 minutes that he is gone. I finally have to drag myself out of bed and go downstairs to referee the cage match that was erupting. Matt returned a few minutes after I crawled down the stairs and collapsed in a heap on the couch.

He Said: Oh you’re up, did you enjoy your break? Feel better?

She Said: (Glaring at him from underneath the one eyelid that was not too sick to open) Seriously? Is that a joke?

He Said: I didn’t get you anything because I thought you’d be sleeping.

She Said: @$#@*&  #$@*&^

The End.



He Said, She Said: Thank You Notes

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. Your welcome.}

Setting the Scene: My Mother-in-Law bet my 11 year old $10 that he couldn’t answer 5 math questions in 1 minute. He did and got them all right. She sent the $10. This conversation took place when I found out she wanted a thank you note for sending the money that she owed my kid.
He Said: My mom sent that $10 that she owed Ty.
She Said: What $10?
He Said: Remember she bet him $10 that he couldn’t answer 10 math questions in 1 minute. And he did.
She Said: Oh. Ok.
He Said: She sent a stamp and a self addressed envelope so he could send a thank you note.
She Said: I’m sorry, what? She wants a thank you note?
He Said: Apparently.
She Said: Why? She bet him money that he couldn’t answer 5 questions and he did. She owes him that $10.
He Said: I know.
She Said: He is not sending a thank you note.
He Said: What’s the big deal?
She Said: Do you think the bookies in Vegas send thank you notes to the degenerates who settle their debts?
He Said: Well, no.
She Said: Exactly.
He Said: She’ll be upset if she doesn’t get a thank you note.
She Said: Don’t worry about it, she’s going to get one.
He Said: That terrifies me.
The End.
Today I sent her that thank you note. I wonder if it will get posted on the fridge with the rest of the stuff she likes to show off to her friends. I’m thinking probably not.
Dear Mother-in-Law,
Thank you for encouraging and enabling my kid to enhance his gambling skills. Thank you for implying that our parenting skills are somehow lacking by including the stamped and self addressed envelope for your own thank you note. Thank you for giving me yet another opportunity to use you as a bad example for proper etiquette.

Gratefully,
Daughter-in-Law
FTR- I am not opposed to thank you notes. My kids send them regularly, when it’s appropriate. I don’t consider settling a gambling debt to be an appropriate time to send a thank you.


He Said, She Said: Salt & Vinegar Birth Control

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. Your welcome.}

Setting the Scene: One night after the kids were all tucked in bed and Matt and I were foraging through the pantry for snacks.

He Said: I bought some salt and vinegar chips.

She Said: I hate salt and vinegar chips.

He Said: Since when?

She Said: Uh….since always.

He Said: I know I’ve seen you eat them before.

She Said: The only time I have ever eaten salt and vinegar chips is when I was pregnant. And I didn’t like them, I just craved them. So if you see me eating them ever again, it’s because I’m pregnant.

He Said: I’m never buying them again.

She Said: Pretty sure that won’t stop me from getting pregnant.

He Said: Oh.

She Said: Yeah. Oh.

The End.



He Said, She Said: Extortion

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. Your welcome.}

Setting the Scene: Matt was recruited to take Maia to her dental appointment because both Zoey and Mase were sick and I couldn’t in good conscience take them to the dentists office to spread the plague. The following conversation took place on the phone when Matt arrived at the dentist’s office.

He Said: I forgot to get the new insurance card and the office lady says I have to have it for them to file for insurance reimbursement.

She Said: You mean the insurance card that I handed to you 3 weeks ago, then clipped to the fridge for you to see every single time you opened it? The one I reminded you to put in your wallet no less than 100 times in the past 3 weeks? You mean that one?

He Said: Yeah. That one.

She Said: I see. And what do you think should happen here?

He Said: Can you bring me the insurance card? If I reschedule the appointment I’ll have to pay a $25 cancellation fee.

She Said: I will wake up both sick kids, dress them and then drag them out of the house to bring you the insurance card that you should have put in your wallet when I told you to 3 weeks ago. I’ll do that for you.

He Said: Ok. Thanks?

She Said: Uh huh.

He Said: I’m going to pay for this, aren’t I?

She Said: It would be cheaper to pay the cancellation fee.

He Said: I’ll pick up dinner. How does burgers sound?

She Said: Not as good as Japanese sounds. I’m thinking….sushi.

He Said: Sounds like bribery to me.

She Said: More like an expensive lesson to learn. Did you learn anything?

He Said: Yeah. That my wife has the skills necessary to become a world class extortionist.

She Said: Thank you.

He Said: Not so much a compliment.

The End.



He Said, She Said: Being Tom Brady

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. Your welcome.}

Setting the Scene: In the middle of our annual Superbowl Party, Ty turned to Matt and made the slightly sarcastic comment “I bet you wish you were Tom Brady”. The following conversation took place immediately afterwards.

He Said: Oh Yeah. I’d be Tom Brady.

She Said: You’re a Giants fan.

He Said: I’d still be Tom Brady.

She Said: Why?

He Said: If I’m Tom Brady then you are Gisele.

She Said: Did you really just say that out loud?

He Said: What? What did I say?

She Said: You don’t see where you went wrong? I’ll just give you a minute to ponder it.

Cue Jeopardy music here.

He Said: Nope. What did I say?
She Said: Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to figure it out tonight. From the couch. Where you’ll be sleeping.

He Said: You’re not going to tell me are you?

She Said: Call Gisele. Maybe she will tell you.

He Said: Yeah like I’d be lucky enough to get her to take my call.

She Said: No blankets for you.

He Said: What?

She Said: Keep talking and I’ll take away the pillow too.

He Said: Is it too late to blame this whole conversation on the beer?

The End.