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He Said, She Said: Couch Sleeping


Setting the Scene: We have an issue in this house with Matt falling asleep on the couch almost every night. The following conversation took place one night last week when we finally sat down to watch a show on television.

He Said: So you want to watch another episode?

She Said: Sure but the only one left is 2 hours long. Can you stay awake?

He Said: Of course I can. It’s only 9:15.

She Said: Please.

He Said: What?

She Said: You were asleep on the couch last night at 8:30. Whatever.

He Said: Well not tonight. I’ll stay awake.

She Said: Sure you will. I know what’s going to happen. You’ll fall asleep 15 minutes into the show, wake up when it’s got 15 minutes left and ask me what happened.

He Said: No I won’t. So dramatic. Just start the show.

She Said: Ok. But I’m not telling you what happened when you wake up.

15 minutes later.

He Said: nothing because he was already asleep.

1 hour and 11 minutes later.

He Said: What did I miss? What happened?

She Said: censored for mature content

The End.


He Said, She Said: The Dermatologist


Setting the Scene: I have this weird skin tag thing on my neck that’s been there (and growing) for a few months. It’s annoying but not painful and I haven’t had time to deal with it yet. The following conversation took place after I accidentally scratched it while getting ready for a Christmas party.

She Said: Is it bleeding?

He Said: I don’t think so.

She Said: Are you sure? I don’t want to pull on my sweater if it’s bleeding.

He Said: Why don’t you just go to the dermatologist and get it taken off?

She Said: That’s $40. 

He Said: So?

She Said: Why would I pay $40 for something I can do myself for free. 

He Said: Do it how?

She Said: Tweezers and a sharp knife. That’ll take care of it in 15 seconds.

He Said: That’s awful.

She Said: But it’s free.

He Said: It sounds painful.

She Said: Only for a man.

He Said: You should not be slicing things off your body with a knife.

She Said: You’d be amazed at what I can slice off with a knife.

He Said: You terrify me.

She Said: Aw. Thanks.

He Said: Not a compliment.

She Said: Nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

He Said: You’re twisted.

The End.


He Said, She Said: The Thermostat


Setting the scene: The biggest battles I ever remember my parents having when I was a kid were over the thermostat. I used to think it was ridiculous to argue over something so dumb. Now I’m married and I get it. The following conversation took place when Matt came home from work one day last week. 

He Said: Why is it so hot in here?

She Said: It’s not hot. It’s cold in here. 

He Said: It’s so hot you can see steam when you open the door. 

She Said: Well now you’re just being ridiculous. 

He Said: Am I? Look, the thermostat is set to 72 degrees. 

She Said: That’s not hot! It’s 44 degrees outside. 

He Said: It should be set on 68. 

She Said: Only if you’re an Eskimo. Actually I’d be happier if it was on 74.

He Said: Well now you’re just crazy. What are we? Made of money?

She Said: You’re so dramatic. Just turn it up. 

He Said: Well if I turn it up to 74 in the winter then you should be able to live with it at 74 in the summer. 

She Said: That’s different. 

He Said: How is that different? 74 is 74. 

She Said: No. 74 in the winter is just warm enough to not hibernate. 74 in the summer is surface of the sun. 

He Said: That makes no sense. 

She Said: I don’t have to make sense. I’m a woman. 

He Said: I have no argument for that. 

She Said: Point, set, match. 

He Said: I’m going to change. Into shorts and a tshirt apparently. 

She Said: Great. Turn up the thermostat on your way past. 

He Said: …..lots of things under his breath


He Said, She Said: The ABC Store


Setting the Scene: Thanksgiving is this week. I don’t know how it happened. My house is a disaster, like a hazmat disaster, I still need to go to the grocery store, and we have a house full of guests showing up soon. The following conversation took place when Matt discovered a potential life altering problem in our house. 

He Said: We’re almost out of alcohol.

She Said: How much is left?

He Said: Enough for maybe one drink.

She Said: You’ll have to go to the ABC store on the way home tomorrow.

He Said: Can it wait until the weekend?

She Said: Well. We have more than 20 people showing up to our house for Thanksgiving. Have you seen the state of our house right now?

He Said: I have.

She Said: And I have to cook the meal, and the appetizers, and the desserts.

He Said: I know.

She Said: I deserve alcohol.

He Said: So….that’s a no? It can’t wait until the weekend?

She Said: Is your mother spending the night?

He Said: Ok. It’s a no. Gotcha.

The End.


He Said, She Said: The Empty Milk Jug


Setting the Scene: One of the things these people in my house do that drive me nuts is leave empty or nearly empty food containers in the fridge. Apparently I am the only one bothered by such behavior. The following conversation took place when Matt found an empty milk jug in the fridge.

He Said: Who did this?

She Said: Did what?

He Said: Left an empty milk jug in the fridge.

She Said: Don’t know. But look, it’s not totally empty yet.

He Said: Oh I’m sorry. Who left a milk jug with literally a Tbsp of milk in the fridge?

She Said: Still don’t know.

He Said: What in the hell? What kind of deviant behavior is this?

She Said: Well, we did tell them not to leave empty containers in the fridge. Technically they listened. 

He Said: That’s not funny.

She Said: Oh, now it bothers you. Now that you have to be the one to go get another jug of milk out of the garage fridge. Doesn’t bother you so much when it’s me. I see.

He Said: That’s not the point.

She Said: Oh that’s my point. That’s definitely my point.

He Said: Next week- buy skim milk. I’m pouring it in the regular milk jug. Teach these little jerks a lesson.

She Said: Harsh. I like it.

The End.