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He Said, She Said: Prison

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Setting the Scene: Matt and I like to watch this show called 24 to Life. It’s a show that follows people convicted of a crime and sentenced to prison during their last 24 hours of freedom. It’s really interesting to watch and kind of addictive. They don’t reveal the crimes until the very end of the show so we like to guess what these people did and see who gets it right. Just for the record, I am the champion. The following conversation took place during the show the other night.

He Said: I feel bad for her.

She Said: Me too.

He Said: What was she supposed to do with him in prison?

She Said: She had to pay the bills somehow.

He Said: Well think about how hard it would be.

She Said: What?

He Said: If I went to prison for 3 years. What would you do?

She Said: I don’t know. Probably look for husband number 2.

He Said: Funny. 

She Said: You asked.

He Said: But really, what would you do?

She Said: Well I’m too old to be a stripper and too tired to be a hooker. So I guess I’d be screwed.

He Said: Shut up. 

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Couch Sleeping

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Setting the Scene: We have an issue in this house with Matt falling asleep on the couch almost every night. The following conversation took place one night last week when we finally sat down to watch a show on television.

He Said: So you want to watch another episode?

She Said: Sure but the only one left is 2 hours long. Can you stay awake?

He Said: Of course I can. It’s only 9:15.

She Said: Please.

He Said: What?

She Said: You were asleep on the couch last night at 8:30. Whatever.

He Said: Well not tonight. I’ll stay awake.

She Said: Sure you will. I know what’s going to happen. You’ll fall asleep 15 minutes into the show, wake up when it’s got 15 minutes left and ask me what happened.

He Said: No I won’t. So dramatic. Just start the show.

She Said: Ok. But I’m not telling you what happened when you wake up.

15 minutes later.

He Said: nothing because he was already asleep.

1 hour and 11 minutes later.

He Said: What did I miss? What happened?

She Said: censored for mature content

The End.

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He Said, She Said: The Dermatologist

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Setting the Scene: I have this weird skin tag thing on my neck that’s been there (and growing) for a few months. It’s annoying but not painful and I haven’t had time to deal with it yet. The following conversation took place after I accidentally scratched it while getting ready for a Christmas party.

She Said: Is it bleeding?

He Said: I don’t think so.

She Said: Are you sure? I don’t want to pull on my sweater if it’s bleeding.

He Said: Why don’t you just go to the dermatologist and get it taken off?

She Said: That’s $40. 

He Said: So?

She Said: Why would I pay $40 for something I can do myself for free. 

He Said: Do it how?

She Said: Tweezers and a sharp knife. That’ll take care of it in 15 seconds.

He Said: That’s awful.

She Said: But it’s free.

He Said: It sounds painful.

She Said: Only for a man.

He Said: You should not be slicing things off your body with a knife.

She Said: You’d be amazed at what I can slice off with a knife.

He Said: You terrify me.

She Said: Aw. Thanks.

He Said: Not a compliment.

She Said: Nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

He Said: You’re twisted.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: The Thermostat

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Setting the scene: The biggest battles I ever remember my parents having when I was a kid were over the thermostat. I used to think it was ridiculous to argue over something so dumb. Now I’m married and I get it. The following conversation took place when Matt came home from work one day last week. 

He Said: Why is it so hot in here?

She Said: It’s not hot. It’s cold in here. 

He Said: It’s so hot you can see steam when you open the door. 

She Said: Well now you’re just being ridiculous. 

He Said: Am I? Look, the thermostat is set to 72 degrees. 

She Said: That’s not hot! It’s 44 degrees outside. 

He Said: It should be set on 68. 

She Said: Only if you’re an Eskimo. Actually I’d be happier if it was on 74.

He Said: Well now you’re just crazy. What are we? Made of money?

She Said: You’re so dramatic. Just turn it up. 

He Said: Well if I turn it up to 74 in the winter then you should be able to live with it at 74 in the summer. 

She Said: That’s different. 

He Said: How is that different? 74 is 74. 

She Said: No. 74 in the winter is just warm enough to not hibernate. 74 in the summer is surface of the sun. 

He Said: That makes no sense. 

She Said: I don’t have to make sense. I’m a woman. 

He Said: I have no argument for that. 

She Said: Point, set, match. 

He Said: I’m going to change. Into shorts and a tshirt apparently. 

She Said: Great. Turn up the thermostat on your way past. 

He Said: …..lots of things under his breath

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He Said, She Said: The ABC Store

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Setting the Scene: Thanksgiving is this week. I don’t know how it happened. My house is a disaster, like a hazmat disaster, I still need to go to the grocery store, and we have a house full of guests showing up soon. The following conversation took place when Matt discovered a potential life altering problem in our house. 

He Said: We’re almost out of alcohol.

She Said: How much is left?

He Said: Enough for maybe one drink.

She Said: You’ll have to go to the ABC store on the way home tomorrow.

He Said: Can it wait until the weekend?

She Said: Well. We have more than 20 people showing up to our house for Thanksgiving. Have you seen the state of our house right now?

He Said: I have.

She Said: And I have to cook the meal, and the appetizers, and the desserts.

He Said: I know.

She Said: I deserve alcohol.

He Said: So….that’s a no? It can’t wait until the weekend?

She Said: Is your mother spending the night?

He Said: Ok. It’s a no. Gotcha.

The End.

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