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He Said, She Said: Father’s Day

Setting the Scene: Matt and Maia were debating Father’s Day. Maia insisted that she already gave him a gift- the gift of being her father. Matt countered with the argument that he created her so he gave her the gift of life. And that’s where I got involved.

She Said: Hold up there, sir. I believe I did all the hard work to give her life.

He Said: Technically my chromosomes gave her life.

She Said: Hmmm….technically my uterus grew her and my vagina shot her out into the world.

He Said: But without my seed she wouldn’t exist.

She Said: And without my egg your seed would just be useless. 

He Said: It’s like the chicken and the egg debate.

She Said: Let’s just be honest. Your part took a minute. Mine took 9 months. I did the hard work.

He Said: But it all started with me. I’m like Jesus.

She Said: So what does that make me?

He Said: Shesus?

She Said: You’re done talking now.

The End.



He Said, She Said: Hosting Thanksgiving

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Setting the Scene: As I’ve mentioned before, we always host Thanksgiving. I always start asking at the beginning of the month which family members will be spending the night (or nights) with us. 

She Said: Do you have a head count for Thanksgiving yet?

He Said: I think just the usual.

She Said: So that’s a no? You don’t have a firm count?

He Said: I’m pretty sure it’s just the usual people.

She Said: Again, I’m hearing that you don’t have a firm head count.

He Said: I’ll call. 

She Said: Great. And I need to know who is spending the night.

He Said: I don’t think anyone is staying here.

She Said: I’m going to need more than your opinion. I need a firm head count for dinner and a firm head count for overnight guests.

He Said: Is it really that important to know ahead of time?

She Said: Are you joking? I need to know how many bedrooms I need to deep clean and replace bedding.

He Said: And you can’t do that day of?

She Said: I can’t do that day of……..what did you say?

He Said: I just meant…

She Said: Stop talking. Do it day of. Are you out of your mind? Do you know how much work goes into hosting Thanksgiving? Do you have any idea? Do you know how much I have to do?

He Said: I…

She Said: Stop talking. One more word and I swear I’ll stuff you like a turkey.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: A Sister Wife

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Setting the Scene: We are into week 2 of summer break and it’s been awesome. Matt’s been working long hours at work for the past few weeks so he’s usually gone before anyone else wakes up (except Tyler because he leaves at 7am for football) and he’s not been getting home until after 7. The following conversation took place one evening last week when he didn’t get home until almost 8pm.

He Said: So how’s summer break going?

She Said: Good. But I could use some help.

He Said: Help? Help with what?

She Said: Cleaning, cooking, laundry, driving your kids around.

He Said: So you need a cleaning service, laundry service, a chef, and a chauffeur?

She Said: Yes.

He Said: Too bad we haven’t hit the lotto yet. 

She Said: I’d settle for a sister wife.

He Said: A what?

She Said: You know, a sister wife. Someone to do all the boring crap that I don’t want to do.

He Said: And what would you do if she did all that?

She Said: Lounge by the pool, read in the hot tub, take naps.

He Said: Ahhhhhh. You want to be a trophy wife. 

She Said: Yes. Yes please. That’s exactly what I want to be.

He Said: Can I pick the sister wife?

She Said: No.

He Said: Well that seems unfair.

She Said: This isn’t about you. It’s my sister wife.

He Said: I’m not sure that’s how it works.

She Said: Well that’s how it works in this house.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: Women Who Kill

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Setting the Scene: It’s well established that I love crime shows, right? And I really love shows such as Snapped, Wives with Knives, and Women Who Kill. The following conversation took place while Matt and I were watching a preview for the new Women Who Kill.

He Said: She doesn’t look all that scary.

She Said: Nope. Not really. I’d be her cellmate.

He Said: Why? What’s she in for?

She Said: Attempted murder.

He Said: And you want to be her cellmate?

She Said: Sure. 

He Said: I don’t know about that. She’s not scary but she doesn’t look friendly.

She Said: She looks like a quitter.

He Said: What?

She Said: She’s a quitter. She’s only in there for attempted murder.

He Said: It’s scary how your brain works.

She Said: I guarantee I’d have finished the job.

He Said: Yeah that’s not any more comforting.

The End.

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He Said, She Said: The Wall

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Setting the Scene: I am so over this school year, y’all. And it’s starting to show in my household. The following conversation took place one morning last week while in the middle of the school morning rush. 

He Said: Did Tyler take a lunch today?

She Said: I don’t know.

He Said: Didn’t you pack him one?

She Said: Nope. He’s almost 17 years old. If he can’t toss a sandwich into a lunch bag by now then it’s pretty much a lost cause.

He Said: Alrighty then. Did Zoey take a shower last night?

She Said: I don’t know.

He Said: You didn’t remind her?

She Said: Nope. We spent 2 hours at the pool and another hour in the hot tub. She’s good.

He Said: Ok. Did Mason do his homework?

She Said: Look dude. I have nothing left for the rest of the school year. I’m done. I hit the wall.

He Said: But they still have a few weeks left. You can’t hit the wall yet.

She Said: I do not care. They’re all wearing clothes and shoes with hair and teeth brushed. That’s all I’m capable of doing at this point.

He Said: Ok I get it. End of the year is hard.

She Said: You don’t get it. Now go to work and talk to the other dad’s about your crazy wives before I make you chaperone all of their end of the year parties in my place.

He Said: So what’s for dinner tonight?

She Said: I will cut you.

The End.

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