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He Said, She Said: New Car

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Setting the scene: Tyler recently got his drivers license and Matt and I are in the process of looking for a car for him. But we disagree on the kind of car that we should buy for him. The following conversation took place during car negotiations.

He Said: I think he should get a $3000 car just like we did when we were 16.

She Said: I didn’t have a $3000 car. I had a $10,000 Honda Accord.

He Said: That’s insane.

She Said: I was a good driver. And my parents loved me. They didn’t want me to drive an unsafe car.

He Said: Are you saying my parents didn’t love me?

She Said: No. I’m just saying they had 3 kids so technically there was a spare one.

He Said: That’s savage. 

She Said: Just callin’ like I see it. I’m not putting him in an unsafe car. His school is too far away and he has to drive on the interstate.

He Said: So what? Like a $5000 car?

She Said: Get real. We’re buying him a car that Maia will be able to drive when she turns 16 so it has to be a good one.

He Said: Fine. But I don’t know how you think we’re going to pay for it.

She Said: Don’t worry, your life insurance will cover it if needed.

He Said: Awesome.

She Said: Always good to have a back up plan.

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He Said, She Said: Prison

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Setting the Scene: Matt and I like to watch this show called 24 to Life. It’s a show that follows people convicted of a crime and sentenced to prison during their last 24 hours of freedom. It’s really interesting to watch and kind of addictive. They don’t reveal the crimes until the very end of the show so we like to guess what these people did and see who gets it right. Just for the record, I am the champion. The following conversation took place during the show the other night.

He Said: I feel bad for her.

She Said: Me too.

He Said: What was she supposed to do with him in prison?

She Said: She had to pay the bills somehow.

He Said: Well think about how hard it would be.

She Said: What?

He Said: If I went to prison for 3 years. What would you do?

She Said: I don’t know. Probably look for husband number 2.

He Said: Funny. 

She Said: You asked.

He Said: But really, what would you do?

She Said: Well I’m too old to be a stripper and too tired to be a hooker. So I guess I’d be screwed.

He Said: Shut up. 

The End.

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What Marriage Is

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1. Silently judging each other while putting together IKEA furniture.

2. Shoving the trash down inside the can so you don’t have to be the one to take it out.

3. Sneaking your husbands old clothes out to Goodwill and then declaring he lost them.

4. Holding your wife’s purse while she tries on clothes.

5. Arguing over whose phone charger is on the counter.

6. Saying “you’re not going to wear that, are you?”

7. Hiding in the bathroom until you hear his FaceTime conversation with his mom end.

8. Going to Target for school supplies and counting it as date night.

9. Asking each other to pick where to eat for dinner and then disagreeing with every option.

10. Learning the scariest word your wife will ever use is “fine”.

11. Stealthily changing the thermostat and then lying about it.

12. Forcing your spouse to watch funny animal videos on YouTube.

13. Watching your husband try to find something that is literally right in front of his face.

14. Trying to fit more dishes in the dishwasher than your spouse.

15. And gloating when you do.

16. Glaring at your husband for folding the laundry wrong.

17. Both pretending to be asleep when one of the kids wakes up in the middle of the night and waiting to see who cracks first.

18. Sending your husband to the grocery store with a list and getting 16 phone calls or texts while he tries to find the items.

19. Wondering why you procreated with a person who cannot find the clothes hamper.

20. Pondering just how long you have to hold the pillow over his face until the snoring stops.

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He Said, She Said: Couch Sleeping

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Setting the Scene: We have an issue in this house with Matt falling asleep on the couch almost every night. The following conversation took place one night last week when we finally sat down to watch a show on television.

He Said: So you want to watch another episode?

She Said: Sure but the only one left is 2 hours long. Can you stay awake?

He Said: Of course I can. It’s only 9:15.

She Said: Please.

He Said: What?

She Said: You were asleep on the couch last night at 8:30. Whatever.

He Said: Well not tonight. I’ll stay awake.

She Said: Sure you will. I know what’s going to happen. You’ll fall asleep 15 minutes into the show, wake up when it’s got 15 minutes left and ask me what happened.

He Said: No I won’t. So dramatic. Just start the show.

She Said: Ok. But I’m not telling you what happened when you wake up.

15 minutes later.

He Said: nothing because he was already asleep.

1 hour and 11 minutes later.

He Said: What did I miss? What happened?

She Said: censored for mature content

The End.

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He Said, She Said: The Dermatologist

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Setting the Scene: I have this weird skin tag thing on my neck that’s been there (and growing) for a few months. It’s annoying but not painful and I haven’t had time to deal with it yet. The following conversation took place after I accidentally scratched it while getting ready for a Christmas party.

She Said: Is it bleeding?

He Said: I don’t think so.

She Said: Are you sure? I don’t want to pull on my sweater if it’s bleeding.

He Said: Why don’t you just go to the dermatologist and get it taken off?

She Said: That’s $40. 

He Said: So?

She Said: Why would I pay $40 for something I can do myself for free. 

He Said: Do it how?

She Said: Tweezers and a sharp knife. That’ll take care of it in 15 seconds.

He Said: That’s awful.

She Said: But it’s free.

He Said: It sounds painful.

She Said: Only for a man.

He Said: You should not be slicing things off your body with a knife.

She Said: You’d be amazed at what I can slice off with a knife.

He Said: You terrify me.

She Said: Aw. Thanks.

He Said: Not a compliment.

She Said: Nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

He Said: You’re twisted.

The End.

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