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PREGNANCY WEEK TWENTY-ONE: A BANANA

Baby gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for hydration and nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies are most interested in tastes they’ve already experienced through amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you want your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch.

How Far Along: 21 weeks, 4 days
Total Weight Gain/Loss: +6 pound so far

Maternity Clothes: All maternity, all the time
Gender: We’re having a BABY GIRL!!!!!
Best Moment this Week: Buying her very first little outfit
Movement: All the time, I swear she’s trying to bust her way out
Food Cravings: French Fries, Ice Cream, Cherry Cheese Danishes
What I Miss: Sneezing, Coughing and Laughing without peeing on myself
Sleep: Pretty good minus the heartburn
What I am Looking Forward to: Finalizing her name
Symptoms: Holy Heartburn, Mood Swings, Intense Hunger

And since I missed the 20 week photo, here is a 21 week belly picture:

And here’s another just because I absolutely love this maternity tank by Rockstar Mamas:



Dear Post-Menopausal Bitch

Seriously? You chose to come eat at a restaurant known for loud music and foot stampin’ good times? And on a Tuesday, which anyone with Google should know is Kids Eat Free night? The eye rolling was annoying, the huffing and sighing was really juvenile and the muttering under your breath was downright bitchy. It’s KIDS EAT FREE night, one might assume there will be children. If you want to eat in a quiet, peaceful environment then I suggest you choose somewhere that does not advertise their KIDS EAT FREE status on a giant sign outside the front doors…which I must add is visible from the main road. Idiot.

I was willing to overlook your exceedingly bad manners because you were obviously not from ’round here. You didn’t have to tell us, believe me, we could tell. The minute you stood up to voice your complaints to the manager and I got a close up look at your stonewashed, skin tight Jordache jeans with the super cool zippers up the back ankle and the uber stylish zebra print tube top….well I just knew that you weren’t from ’round here. Anyhoo, I overlooked your bad manners, assuming that you were in the middle of a hot flash or perhaps your Depends was leaking. My children were not misbehaving, they were sitting down and they were relatively quiet in comparison to the music blaring. They certainly were not disturbing your dinner in any way. So, when you chose to lean over and pop my child’s balloon animal with your fork….that, my friend, will not be overlooked. Don’t let the fact that I’m sporting a big ole belly lull you into a false sense of security. Cause this mama will take you down in your stonewashed Jordache jeans.

You made my child cry when he was doing nothing wrong. The gasp of horror from other diners around us should have clued you in that you were being a big bitch. Apparently you are slow to catch on. So I helped you. I truly did not know that ice cream could stick like that to hairspray. It was highly educational and extremely entertaining on many levels. Consider yourself lucky, I almost chose to use my fork to pop those balloons you were sporting on your chest.

Please honey, you’re at least 65 years old. Nobody thought those puppies were real.

Sincerely,
The bitch who hopes you learned your lesson about messing around with other people’s kids because the next mama might throw something other than ice cream at your head



You Know It’s Going To Be A Bad Day When…

1. You go to brush your teeth and your toothbrush is already wet…and you don’t know why.

2. Your child ate the last cherry cheese danish despite repeated death threats from the pregnant lady to leave them the hell alone.

3. A solicitor rings the doorbell repeatedly at 8:30am, undeterred by the No Soliciting sign on the door.

4. You see your toddler smell his hand, make a foul face and then wipe said hand on your sofa.

5. You realize that the neighborhood pool opens today and you must put on your maternity whale suit.

6. You put all the kids in the car to go get Chic-fil-A for lunch only to realize your soon-to-be deceased husband took your keys to work with him by mistake.

7. You step on the scale to torture yourself….and it breaks.

8. You get an email from your child’s swim team manager saying that last years suits are not acceptable, you have to shell out $46 for a new suit that looks remarkably identical to the one you already own from last year.

9. You have a pantry, cabinet, fridge and freezer full of food but nothing looks good enough to eat…and someone ate the last cherry cheese danish.

10. You receive a shirt that you bought off ebay and were really excited about only to find that the seller is a big fat liar because the shirt looks like shit.

11…..well I don’t have a number 11 yet but it’s only noon so the day is still young….



PREGNANCY WEEK TWENTY: CANTALOUPE

Baby’s digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And, speaking of the diaper situation… baby’s genitals are now fully formed!

How Far Along: 20 weeks, 5 days
Total Weight Gain/Loss: +6 pound so far

Maternity Clothes: All maternity, all the time
Gender: We’re having a BABY GIRL!!!!!
Best Moment this Week: Realizing I’m half way there now!
Movement: She moves all the time and it’s so cool to watch my belly move when she rolls and flips
Food Cravings: French Fries, Coconut Cake
What I Miss: Being able to drink beer….and wine….and hard liquor
Sleep: Pretty good this week except for the bathroom visits
What I am Looking Forward to: Buying cute little baby things again
Symptoms: Supercharged emotions, Heartburn

I know I’m supposed to be posting a picture this week, it will be added later when I find my stupid USB cord for the stupid camera. Grrrr….



PREGNANCY WEEK NINETEEN: A MANGO

Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby’s skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might actually get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.

Week Nineteen Highlights:
How Far Along: 19 weeks, 3 days
Total Weight Gain/Loss: +6 pound so far (but I think I might have lost some this week being sick as a dog)

Maternity Clothes: All maternity, all the time
Gender: We’re having a BABY GIRL!!!!!
Best Moment this Week: Watching Mase’s face when he felt his sister kick
Movement: She moves alot and she’s already very predictible
Food Cravings: Sweet Tea, Honey Buns, French Fries
What I Miss: Being able to take real people medication for this horrible cold/sinus crap
Sleep: Hardly any this week, I’m too sick to sleep
What I am Looking Forward to: Feeling more like a human when this sinus mess goes away
Symptoms: Supercharged emotions, Headaches

This has been a bad week at the Semi-Domesticated house. We went last week to the pediatrician’s office to do Maia’s Kindergarten check up and Mase’s 2 year check up. A snot nosed brat who should not have been sitting in the well child room sneezed on me and I got sick. I’ve been sick for over a week now and I think I’m going to have to go to the doc today. One half of my face throbs and I’ve got a fever so I’m thinking Sinus Infection. Damn that snot nose brat!

Bad week. A very bad no good week. Boo.