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50 THINGS ABOUT LIL OLE ME

Let’s see. What could you people possibly not already know about me? Hmmm….

1. What do you add to your coffee? Flavored creamer- Italian Sweet Cream is my favorite
2. What are you reading now? Jodi Picoult– Plain Truth
3. Do you own a gun? No
4. Are you registered to vote? Yes
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Just the dentist
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Yummy on the grill if you don’t think about what’s in them
7. Favorite Christmas Song? Ruldolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee
9. Can you do push ups? Yep. I used to be able to do 3 sets of one handed push ups. The good ole days
10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Jason
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding set
12. Favorite hobby? Reading and blogging
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? HA! I stay home with my kids who definitely do not idolize me
14. Do you have ADD? No
15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? I can be slightly judgemental…but just slightly
16. What’s your Middle name? Wouldn’t you like to know?
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I’m hungry. I have to pee. What is that damn dog chewing on?
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Cupcakes, Birthday card, Wine.
19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Coffee, Sweet Tea and Cranberry Splash Sierra Mist.
20. Current worry right now? My whole family vs. The ‘Laws on Thanksgiving.
21. What size do you dress to? Huh? My own size, which happens to be a size 6 for the first time in over 2 damn long years thankyouverymuch.
22. Favorite place to be? Home or the beach
23. How did you bring in the New Year? drinking at home with Matt cause we’re too cheap to pay those prices for a babysitter!
24. Where would you like to go? Hawaii
25. Name three people who will complete this. Don’t know since I’m too lazy to send it on.
26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? Anyone with the time to answer it.
27. What color shirt are you wearing? Purple
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No. Last time I slid right off the side of the bed and woke up on the floor.
29. Can you whistle? yes
30. Favorite colors(s)? Red and Yellow
31. Could you be a pirate? Hell yeah, especially if one of them looked like Orlando Bloom
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I’m usually yelling at kids to leave me alone
33. Favorite girls name? What I named my daughter. But I also like Amelia and Annika.
34. Favorite boy’s name? What I named my sons. But I also like Hollis and Campbell.
35. What’s in your pocket right now? Three of The Mase’s toy cars.
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Mase throwing corn at the dog at dinner.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Rainbow Brite.
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I shattered my kneecap in a car accident as a teen. I broke 2 ribs, broke my cheekbone and got a Grade 2 concussion in a soccer game my senior year.
39. Do you love where you live? Yes.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 4- one in the family room, one in the playroom, one in the master bedroom and one in the master bathroom.
41. Who is your loudest friend? I think I am the loudest friend.
42. How many dogs do you have? one.
43. Does anyone have a crush on you? Does the cashier at the ABC store count?
44. What are the most fun things you ever did? I was drunk, I don’t remember any of them. But the pictures exist….somewhere.
45. What are your favorite books? J.D. Robb’s In Death series, Janet Evanovich’s Plum series, Jeaniene Frost’s Bones & Cat series, Christine Feehan’s Carpathian’s series….I have so many.
46. What is your favorite candy? Jelly Belly jelly beans.
47. Favorite Team? What sport? I have specific favorites but they give away where I live.
48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? “Time of my Life”
49. What were you doing at 12 AM? Sleeping.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Geez. Not Monday again!



10 Things To Never Say After A Miscarriage

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I’ve compiled a list. It’s a list of the top 10 things that you should never, under any circumstances, say to a woman who has just suffered a miscarriage. If you feel the need to utter one of these phrases, please for the love of Cheese & Crackers, bite your tongue off. Completely off. I mean it.

Stupid Comment #1: Well it’s not like you were trying to have another baby.

Stupid Comment #2: Aren’t four kids enough for you?

Stupid Comment #3: There was probably something wrong with it and you wouldn’t want a handicapped kid.

Stupid Comment #4: You can always have another one.

Stupid Comment #5: At least it happened early, it could have been worse.

Stupid Comment #6: Maybe you weren’t taking care of yourself properly.

Stupid Comment #7: These things happen, you just have to forget about it and move on.

Stupid Comment #8: It’s not really a baby that early on, it’s pretty much just tissue.

Stupid Comment #9: It’s all a part of God’s plan.

Stupid Comment #10: You should be grateful for the kids you already have.

These are just a few of the stupid comments that I received in the weeks following my miscarriage. Some came from “friends”, some came from family, some came from neighbors. All pissed me off. Just a word to the wise here people. Don’t piss off a hormonal woman who is already angry. She might kill you.

For Real.



The Molester Mobile

Let me tell you a story. But first, do you remember summertime as a child? Do you remember when you would hear the unmistakable sound of ice cream truck music? We could hear it coming from 3 streets over and every child on the block would scramble to count their pennies and run to beg their parents for more money so they could buy a Drumstick and a Push-up pop. Ah, the good ole days. Things were much simpler back then. Back when the ice cream truck actually looked like an ice cream truck. This is what we used to see coming up the street from us:

The really nice man driving was usually dressed in a white suit with a really cool little hat and always had a smile for the herd of children running full steam at him. He usually looked like this guy- just picture him with a smile:

This summer, we had a resurrection of the ice cream truck in our neighborhood. We’ve lived here for almost 5 years now and this was the first summer that we saw the ice cream truck, mainly because our neighborhood is gated and now that I think about it- how the hell did this ice cream man get in our neighborhood anyway?? Moving on.

When did the ice cream truck go from the nice Good Humor man in the cool little hat and the sparkling white truck with the nice picture menu to this*:

Driven by this guy*:

Who in the world thought that it would be a great economic idea to put a creepy old guy in a 1987 Chevy van, slap some pictures of ice cream on the side and send him off to entice small children? Really?
The other moms and I called it The Molester Mobile. He rarely sold any ice cream because none of the mothers would let their children near that van. He was probably a perfectly nice man, but who knows for sure? He could be the creepy pedophile luring his young victims with cold, yummy summer goodness. Not worth the chance. Everytime we would hear the music coming from the next street over we would rush to herd our gaggle of children inside until The Molester Mobile had passed us by. Our street became a ghost town for 10 minutes every afternoon for more than 3 weeks.

Then one day, we noticed that The Molester Mobile had a new driver. The other moms and I stood and watched as the new guy drove slowly up our street, trolling for victims. He looked a little like this guy:

What happened next is now a legend on our street. Bored, desperate housewives ran toward that van like the hounds of hell were on our heels. Picture it. Some of us, not naming any names Lara, were not totally dressed for the day. Most of us were not wearing make up, we were hot and sweaty from running after our kids in 100 degree heat all afternoon and more than a couple of us were slightly inebriated. It was ugly. It was brutal. There was hair pulling, shirt ripping and intentional tripping. It was the WWE of Wisteria Lane.

(That picture is not us but accurately depicts the shirt ripping that occurred)

I wish I could describe to you the look of horror that came across that poor ice cream truck driver as he saw the herd of housewives running towards him. If it wasn’t so sad, it would be funny. He laid rubber as he sped away with us in hot pursuit. Some of us, again no names Susan, chased this poor hot guy for 3 streets, waving dollar bills and screaming for him to come back, that we wouldn’t hurt him. We tried to tell her that he was only selling ice cream but I don’t think she heard us over the squealing of the tires.

We didn’t see the hot ice cream guy again. We stood outside for a week straight, hoping he would have the balls to come back again. Sadly, it was not mean to be. Creepy old guy was back the next week and every set of ovaries on the street went into a period of mourning.

Good-bye hot ice cream man. It was a pleasure to ogle your yummy goodies.

Sigh.

*This is not the van that drove down our street and that is not the creepy old guy that was driving our Molester Mobile. But the resemblance is uncanny.



We Interrupt This Programming To Announce

that I, who admittedly hates any and all forms of exercise, ran a quarter of a mile today. And nobody was chasing me.

Granted I was chasing the ice cream truck down the street as it zoomed past my house going a speedy 15 miles per hour. That’s neither here nor there. And let’s not talk about the 2 ice cream sandwiches that I snarfed down as I trucked back up the street to her house. Those calories surely don’t count, in light of the whole running down the street thing.

And let’s really not talk about the fact that this all took place at 10am, in my pajamas while wearing flip flops.

No really. Let’s not talk about that.



NOT ME! MONDAY

It’s Monday….again. Sigh. Time for Not Me! Monday, hosted by MckMama at my charming kids. Head on over to participate!
 
I get so tired of trying to clean up all the crumbs that Mase likes to make while in his highchair. This week, I absolutely did not just plop him down on the floor and let the dog eat the crumbs right off his butt. And I surely did not do it more than one time in a day. That would be unsanitary. Nope. Not me!

While celebrating the 4th up at my parents house, I certainly did not mix up the real Pina Colada pitcher with the virgin pitcher. And I most definitely did not proceed to drink 4 large margarita glasses full of the yummy concoction. That would be irresponsible for a nursing mom. Not me!

After consuming enough alcoholic Pina Coladas to get Lindsay Lohan plastered, I most assuredly did not participate in karaoke. And I absolutely did not do a fantastic rendition of Baby Got Back….complete with the dancing. That would be humiliating, especially considering the amount of video cameras present. Nope. Not me!

Later that night when I had to pump and dump so I could feed Mase, I surely did not have to hand express milk for the first time ever when I realized that I had no breastpump available. And I really did not make mooing noises the entire time I expressed, sending the children into hysterical laughter and thereby setting myself up to be called a cow in public by one of the little cherubs at some point in the future. That would be immature. Not me!

While playing the rapid creek behind my parents house, I absolutely did not attempt to ride the innertube down the rapids resulting in two rather large holes in two very, ahem, noticeable spots in my shorts. And I definitely did not have to walk all the way back up to the house with my buttcheeks blowing in the breeze. That would be the proverbial cherry on the sundae. Not me!

I guess you can see that we had a rip roaring good time at my parents BBQ this 4th of July. I’m off to buy some new shorts….and some Neosporin cuz those rocks hurt when they hit delicate skin. Ahem.