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PREGNANCY WEEK THIRTEEN: A PEACH

Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords… savor this, their non-functional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with a head now only one third the size of the body. Intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby’s tummy. (Much more convenient.)Week Thirteen Highlights:

How Far Along: 13 weeks, 1 day
Total Weight Gain/Loss: +2 pound so far (funny story coming soon about weight)
Maternity Clothes: Still Rockin‘ the maternity jeans but I got some cute maternity tops this week
Best Moment this Week: No nausea, no nausea…..NO NAUSEA! Helllllllo 2nd Trimester, I am so glad to see you.
Movement: None yet
Food Cravings: Pasta, M&M’s, Coke Zero
What I Miss: Standing up without the searing round ligament pain
Sleep: Better this week, thanks to the Tylenol PM
What I am Looking Forward to: Wearing all the cute maternity clothes I just bought on ebay (post coming soon about this)
Symptoms: Fatigue, Shortness of Breath, Round Ligament Pain

I decided to only do a belly pic every 4 weeks. I took one this morning and it looks exactly the same as last week. I think the difference will be more noticeable if I do it once a month instead. So the next belly pic will be at week 16. I’ll be sporting a big ole belly bump by then, I do believe.



The Beverly Hillbillies

I have managed to thoroughly piss off the neighbors. I don’t remember if I’ve talked about them before and I’m far too lazy to go back and look. They are the Beverly Hillbillies, minus the cement pond. The house is in total disrepair, they’ve received so many notices from the neighborhood to clean that shit up that it’s not even funny anymore. The grass is taller than their youngest child, hobos could be living in there and nobody would know. They leave their trashcans at the curb all week and just walk the trashbags to the curb on trash day. The front door is broken off the hinges and sitting on the front porch, they’ve nailed a huge piece of plywood over the opening so nobody can get in the house. They screened in the back porch but didn’t do it properly so it’s falling down. Instead of repairing it they took 10 2×4’s and propped it up from the sides. It’s that bad. Oh, and I cannot forget to mention that they have written all over the windows “Let it snow. Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays.” All over every window along the back of the house with white paint. It has been there since December…..of 2008!

 

Now we don’t live in a super upper class, multi million dollar neighborhood but we do live in a nice middle class neighborhood with an active HOA that has many rules. I do not understand how these people have been allowed to let their house get this bad. But alas it has happened. We, along with many other neighbors, have made report after report to both the HOA and the City code enforcement office. That usually gets them to clean it up for a short time, then it goes downhill again.

 

I usually just roll my eyes as I walk past. This morning however, came the straw that broke the pregnant woman’s patience. This morning they crossed a line that I didn’t even realize needed to be drawn.

 

This morning my house got peed on by a goat.

 

Yes. A Goat. Named Fred.

 

I was walking the dog this morning and saw something jump over the split rail fence that separates our houses. I thought it was their dog so I walked over, thinking to take the dog back over to them. Instead I came face to face with a goat. Pissing on the side of my house. Wearing a collar and name tag that said “Fred”. For a moment I just stared, thinking surely I was hallucinating. Then Fred started bleating at me. And I ran like a little school girl. Oh yes, I did. I don’t do farm animals.

 

I called the HOA president, who promptly called Animal Control. They showed up a couple of hours later. I heard lots of yelling then saw Fred chasing one of the guys. Finally I saw them loading Fred the Goat, several chickens and a friggin pot belly pig into the van. What the hell?

 

A group of nosy neighbors were standing by my house watching the scene unfold…okay, fine we were gossiping. We were all trying to figure out where the hell they were keeping the pig and the chickens when we saw the mom coming towards us full force. I just have to mention that these are not small people. They are part amazon. They are intimidating at best, threatening on a bad day. Today was a bad day. The mom was screaming at the top of her lungs, calling us names and going on about how we were going to hell. She looked like a crazy person. I wish you could have seen the rest of the neighbors trying to decide whether they should run for their lives or if the show would be worth the risk of bodily harm. Most figured the show would be worth the risk. Boy were they right. The mom spent half an hour switching between screaming at us and trying to break her animals out of the back of the van.

 

Eventually animal control called the police because she was lying prostrate in front of their van so they could not leave. The police came, issued her a citation for having farm animals in an urban neighborhood and then she got arrested. That’s right. They arrested her. Wanna know why? I wish I had it on video, my friends. She threw a trashcan at one of the officers, she spit at the other one, she started beating the animal control guy with her broom and then she peed on the cop car. Apparently that’s where the goat learned the behavior from. Ahem.

 

So she got hauled away in handcuffs, the farm animals have been relocated to a more appropriate home and the cops called city code enforcement based on what they saw at the house. We also found out that the chickens and the pig were living inside the house. The only way it could have gotten better is if they had tasered her.

 

She deserved it. Her goat peed on my house.

 

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PREGNANCY WEEK TWELVE: A PLUM

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby’s fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won’t be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Week Twelve Highlights:

How Far Along: 12 weeks, 1 day
Total Weight Gain/Loss: +4 pound so far
Maternity Clothes: Rockin‘ these maternity jeans but no maternity tops yet
Best Moment this Week: Hearing the heartbeat (strong 154) this morning
Movement: None yet
Food Cravings: Popcorn, Chips & Salsa, Pasta, Taco Bell Quesadillasyummmm!
What I Miss: Breathing through my nose
Sleep: Better this week, only had to get up once during the night to eat
What I am Looking Forward to: Having more energy
Symptoms: Fatigue, Shortness of Breath, Intermittent Nausea
And of course, the dreaded 12 week belly shot:



PREGNANCY WEEK ELEVEN: A LIME

[Disclaimer: These weekly pregnancy posts will probably bore you to tears but I need to record this stuff somewhere it won’t get lost (which rules out inside my brain). Please feel free to skip these posts, I won’t mind.]

Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming — setting up a significantly more attractive future.

Week Eleven Highlights:
How Far Along: 11 weeks, 2 days
Total Weight Gain/Loss: +1 pound so far
Maternity Clothes: Lovin‘ these maternity jeans but my regular tops still fit
Best Moment this Week: Two days in a row that I felt fabulous
Movement: None yet
Food Cravings: Salads, Grapes, Poptarts, French Fries
What I Miss: Having the energy to get stuff done every day
Sleep: Yeah, I miss that too. Fall asleep easily, can’t stay asleep to save my life
What I am Looking Forward to: The end of the nausea
Symptoms: Nausea, Lethargy, Food Aversions

Next week I’ll start weekly belly pictures so stay tuned, you for sure won’t want to miss that. Note the extreme sarcasm. Ahem.



Pregnancy Is Not For The Weak

I know. I went MIA this week. Bad blogger.

Rather than subject you all to my whining, complaining, self involved posts, I went MIA. Nothing interesting has happened this week. It’s rained all week, I haven’t left the house in 5 days, my children are on my last damn nerve, the dog ate my bra, my house is a disaster, if I don’t do laundry soon Ty will be wearing a dress to school, Mr.McHunky is annoyed with my food cravings, my MIL wants to come visit, I threatened to move out if she shows up, I found the house of my dreams with a price tag to match, the nausea came back full force after three days of blissful peace, I’ve graduated to fat lady maternity jeans, I’ve gained 4 pounds already, my Zofran prescription ran out and my face is breaking out like a hooker at a herpes convention again….

Sigh….Aren’t you glad I went MIA?