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The 10 Commandments Of Sam’s Club Shopping

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We are dedicated Sam’s Club shoppers. With this many kids in one house plus all their friends, we go through a lot of food. We typically make a big Sam’s Club shopping trip every 2 weeks and it can either be a pleasant experience or it can be the Seventh Circle of Hell. There are just basic commandments that should be obeyed when shopping at a bulk warehouse store. It’s common sense, people. Follow them and nobody has to get hurt.

1. Always have a list. For the love of everything Holy, never ever enter without a well thought out list. Especially if you’re shopping on a budget like we always are. A $100 trip can easily turn into a $400 trip without a list.

2. Some things should not be bought in bulk. Do you really need a 30 gallon drum of deodorant? Are you actually going to use that 50 lb vat of crisco? Buy smart, people. 

3. Only take your kids on Free Sample Saturday. There is nothing worse than taking kids who are expecting samples on a non-sample day. Oh the horror. The horror.

4. Never ever go when you’re hungry. See #1. 

5. Avoid impulse purchases. Again, see #1. 

6. Make it worth the trip. I can’t count the number of people I see in line with a bag of oranges, a gallon of milk, and a big bag of chips. Really? That’s worth the $99 yearly membership fee? 

7. Follow the flow of traffic in the store. It’s like a road, people. Don’t drive on the wrong side of the road. It causes traffic jams and anger.

8. Bring your membership card. There is just no excuse. You can even pull it up on an app on your phone these days. And have it ready when you get to the front. Don’t hold up the entire line while you search through that suitcase you call a purse.

9. Do not leave your cart in the middle of the aisle. I mean, really people. Move to the side. The aisles are extra wide so there is no reason to block up the entire thing. You are not special. Move.

10. Get in, get your stuff, get out. This is not social hour. You don’t need to make friends or have a playdate at Sam’s Club. Go to Chick-Fil-A like everyone else if you want to catch up with your neighbor’s sister’s boyfriend’s daughter who you haven’t seen since they broke up 12 years ago. Really.

Consider Sam’s Club a privilege. It can be revoked. Obey the laws of common sense. Or you’ll be forever banished to WalMart. May the odds be ever in your favor.

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10 Rules For Being A Good Holiday House Guest

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We had a low key holiday this year. It was literally just us. We hosted nobody, we had no visitors, we had no parties. It was glorious. But I see a whole bunch of folks on my Facebook feed complaining about the behavior of holiday house guests so I figured I would write some guidelines for guests. Just for future reference, you understand.

1. Do not make yourself right at home. “Make yourself at home” is just a saying. Nobody means it. Do not wander into the master bathroom and start going through drawers and cabinets searching for Advil. Just ask.

2. Do not allow your kid to destroy the house. Control Little Chucky. And if your kid does destroy something, replace it.

3. Do not mess with the DVR. In fact, just don’t touch the TV at all.

4. Do not make insane dietary requests. If you are on an all-kale and wheat germ diet then bring your own supplies. Food allergies or sensitivities are one thing (and should always be respected), expecting your host to accommodate your latest fad diet is rude.

5. Do not ask to sleep in the master bedroom after moaning and groaning about your bad back. If you need alternate sleeping arrangements I’m sure the Holiday Inn down the road has a room.

6. Do not talk about politics or religion. And especially after drinking. Just don’t.

7. Do not touch the thermostat. If you’re cold, put on a sweatshirt. If you’re hot, take off the sweatshirt. If you’re not paying the electric bill then hands off the thermostat.

8. Do not make stupid decisions. If what you’re about to do in their house starts with the phrase “I’ve always wondered what would happen” do not continue.

9. Do not bring pets without asking. Not everybody is a fan of Fido and lots of people have allergies. Just because you consider Fido part of your family does not mean other people feel the same.

10. Do not bring other guests without asking. Showing up with your 4 kids and 5 of their closest friends is just rude. Don’t be Cousin Eddie.

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2016 Monthly Goals: November

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How is it already November? I don’t understand how this year is going by so quickly. I guess when life is busy it goes by faster. I understand it but I sure don’t like it. October was so very busy with football and basketball is starting so I didn’t do great with my goals. But I kept everyone alive and fed and the house did not fall down around us so I’m calling it a win. 

October Goals:

1. Finish organizing my kindle categories. I worked on this a lot but I’m not quite done. I’m getting there. It’s been a slow process but it will be worth it when I’m done.

2. Finish the master bedroom redo. Nope. I got nothing done in the master bedroom. At all. 

3. Finish up some small house projects. I got a few little ones done but not as many as I hoped to do. And I added twice as many to my list as I crossed off.

4. Start planning for the holidays. I actually did some of this. I figured out Thanksgiving- at least I figured out what time we’re going to eat. I made Christmas lists. That’s progress, right?

5. Organize the pictures on my phone. I got a decent start on this but I’m not done. It takes a long time to go through 3500 pictures. A long time.

November Goals:

1. Finish organizing my Kindle categories. Ha! It’s staying on the list until it gets done, y’all. I’d say I’m 70% done. And I have well over 4000 books on my Kindle. 70% of 4000 is….well, a lot. That’s math and I don’t like math.

2. Finish all the projects on my house list before Thanksgiving. We’re hosting a huge crowd for Thanksgiving and I need to get this house in order so I’m not stressing out the day before they arrive.

3. Finish Christmas shopping. I do not want to be doing last minute shopping this year. I want to be done. I’ve already gotten a good head start but there’s a lot left to do. 

4. Celebrate all the birthdays. Tyler turns 16 this month, Maia turns 12, and we have 3 other birthdays in November too. It’s a busy month.

5. Find some new dinner recipes. I need to add some new stuff. Preferably some stuff that all my kids will eat. I’m tired of them turning their noses up at dinner and eating PB&J sandwiches instead. I’m going to find some recipes that they all will enjoy.

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7 Interesting People Observed At Ikea

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Yesterday my sister and I finally got to go to IKEA all by ourselves for the first time since school went back in full time. We’ve made plans at least 10 times but something always came up- sick kids, Tyler’s concussion, last minute meetings, her work schedule. It’s ridiculously impossible to coordinate our schedules these days. But yesterday all the stars aligned and we took a trip to IKEA. While we were wandering around picking up things that neither of us really needed we observed some very interesting people. 

1. Wrong way cart lady- This is not hard, y’all. There are giant arrow lights helping to illuminate your way around the store. There is no need to be the only person traveling the wrong way trying to shove your cart through the masses. And yet this lady did it. More than once. 

2. Freedom mom- We watched as she dropped off 4 small kids at the IKEA playland. Then she fist bumped the air, let out a loud whoop, and practically sprinted away. I totally understand her.

3. Eye twitch mom- Unfortunately, because the Freedom mom dropped off 4 kids there was no space left in the playland for Eye twitch mom’s own 3 kids. So she was forced to shop with them. Hence the eye twitch. I totally understand her.

4. Candle lady- She wheeled past us with approximately 746 candles in her cart. She also was wearing all black and had what appeared to be a small black cat in her giant bag. I’m a little afraid to find out what she was doing with all those candles. An altar to worship Satan, perhaps?

5. Down comforter girl- We found her stretched and snuggled up on the display bed while she tested out each down comforter. That meant she had to take each down comforter out of the packaging. We also watched her shove all those down comforters back in the packages and put them back on the shelf. The take away here? Always wash new bedding.

6. Shower curtain lady- We saw her twirling around the bathroom section with a shower curtain as a skirt. Then we watched as she wore her make-shift skirt all the way over to the mirror section so she could get a better look. 

7. Meatball man- The man in line in front of us at lunch ordered a meatball plate. Then he ordered 60 extra meatballs on the side. That’s a lot of meatballs. And we had to wait 15 minutes for them to make more meatballs. 

Very interesting people, indeed.

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How You Know You’re Getting Old

My birthday is coming up in a less than a week. I’ll be 39 years old. So why does my body insist on performing as thought I’m turning 79? I wish I was kidding. Let’s examine a few of the things that have happened to me in the last couple of weeks. 

1. I pulled a muscle shaving my legs in the shower. I mean, really? I pulled a back muscle while shaving my legs. Just take a moment and ponder that. It’s sad. 

2. I got pinned on the steering wheel of my Pilot while reaching down to get my phone off the floor. I was sitting at Ty’s football practice and dropped my phone. When I reached down to get it, my shoulder got stuck under the steering wheel and I had a brief moment of panic where I thought “this is it, this is how I die. Stuck on a steering wheel.” Tragic.

3. I bought mom panties….and kept them. It all started as a mistake. Target had a sale on the panties I like. I was in a hurry. I came home with 2 packs of bikini briefs instead of low rise bikinis. I opened the first package, saw the high-waisted panties and gave them a try since the package was already opened. I fully intended to take the second pack back to exchange. But then something happened….I loved the bikini briefs. They’re comfortable. I don’t even care that they almost reach my belly button. What has happened to me?

4. I started my morning k-cup of coffee minus the mug. I even stood there for a minute or so watching the coffee just pour out of the Keurig before it registered that I should get a mug. Come on, get it together here brain.

5. I got stuck trying on a tankini top in the dressing room at Target. I found a tankini top that I loved but they only had one left and it was a size smaller than I normally buy. I decided to try it anyway. Big mistake. Big big mistake. I got it all the way on just fine. But taking it off was a different story. I got stuck with both arms in the air and the tankini on my face. I had yet another brief moment of panic that I would die half-naked in a Target dressing room, suffocated by a tankini top. 

Clearly the universe is trying to tell me something. Not sure exactly what it is but it’s telling me something. I’ll just be over here drinking my half cup of coffee wearing my mom panties with unshaven legs if you need me. 

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