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He Said, She Said: Facial Hair

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. You are welcome.}

Setting the Scene: Matt has an obsession with facial hair. I wish I was kidding. He wants a full beard. He’s Asian. It’s never gonna happen. We spend way too much time talking about his facial hair. Finally last week I’d had enough and the following conversation took place after he interrupted a phone conversation to talk about his facial hair. Again.


He Said: Should I shave it or keep trying to grow it?


She Said: I’m on the phone.


He Said: It’s just your sister.


She Said: And she does not want to discuss your facial hair.


He Said: Ask her if I should shave it or keep it.


She Said: No.


He Said: Do you see any sparse holes on the sides?


She Said: I’m not talking about your stupid facial hair anymore.


He Said: But should I keep growing it?


She Said: I will shave you bald while you sleep. I mean it.


He Said: Bald?


She Said: As a newborn baby’s ass. And not just your facial hair either.


He Said: I’ll go ahead and shave it.


She Said: Good call.


The End.



What We Do: Weekend Edition

My weekend started with a crash course in handling hazardous material, otherwise known as cleaning out the teenager’s bedroom. He went to school Friday wearing a pair of his dad’s jeans because he hadn’t done laundry in who knows how long. I ventured into his bedroom and shoveled out all of his dirty laundry. It took me all day and 8 loads to get all his laundry washed, dried, and put away. I charged him $4 per load because I’m trying to impress upon him the importance of responsibility.




 Our weekend forecast around these parts looked fabulous. Warm, sunny, and definitely Spring-like. Too bad we had errands up the wazoo to accomplish on Saturday. 





We actually convinced the teenager to come out with us on Saturday. Well, convinced might not the right word. More like bribed. Yeah, bribed is definitely the right word. We promised to check out new sneakers at the Nike outlet. He was more than happy to plant his butt in the minivan. Look- 4 smiling kids in one picture. I thought that was just a myth. 




First stop of the day on Saturday was the car wash. My poor minivan looked rough, with all the snow, ice, and salt still covering it. Zoey still has not overcome her extreme dislike of the car wash. We were treated to 4 minutes of her yelling to “drive faster, daddy”. It was awesome.





Next stop was the outlet mall. We are lucky to live very close to one of the best indoor outlet malls- Concord Mills. It’s awesome. And huge. This is the first time I’ve been over there since fall because I just cannot control myself in an outlet. Matt even sprung for one of the double decker fire truck strollers for Mase and Zoey. The mall was packed so it was a necessity if we wanted to come with all our kids.





Matt was on a mission for new dress shoes for work. Please explain to me how it takes a man 9 different stores to find one pair of shoes he likes. Send me into one shoe store and I guarantee I can find 6 pairs of shoes in 10 minutes and they’ll probably all be on sale too. He finally found a pair at Off Broadway and then found a pair of sneakers at the Nike outlet where Ty also found himself a pair of Jordan’s on clearance for $48.  They were ready to go home then but I still needed to hit Children’s Place and Old Navy. Don’t they look excited by this news?





I hit the jackpot at Children’s Place. $200 spent and I came out with 4 bags of clothes. Pajamas, jeans, short sleeve tees, skirts, capris, shorts, leggings, hoodies, long sleeve tees….it was unbelievable what they had on clearance. Great thing for me since all my kids outgrew their Spring wardrobes at the same time. You just can’t beat $6 jeans, $5 pajamas, $2 shirts… Maia even got to hit the Justice outlet for the first time. I’ve been holding her off for awhile but even I couldn’t resist a double 40% off sale. Sigh. She got a couple of pairs of jeans for $10 each, a top for $4, and a jean skirt for $8. However, one of the pairs of jeans sent me straight back to the 80’s. Stonewashed gray with polka dots? The 80’s called and they want their jeans back. I swear I had flashbacks while standing in front of the dressing room. I should’ve kept all my clothes from middle school, she’d be all set.





We spent way too much money, bought way too much stuff, and had a lot of fun. Then we came home, ate pulled pork BBQ sandwiches out of a pork shoulder that had been cooking all day, and watched Duke beat the pants off of Carolina. It was a good day.




The kids spent the early afternoon hours playing outside with Matt in the sunshine. All the kids on our street were outside, riding bikes, playing basketball, and blowing bubbles. It was great to see all their friends coming over to play again. We all hibernate during the winter and emerge pasty white and 10 pounds heavier in the Spring. For mom, Sunday was spent doing the little kid’s laundry and starting the process of organizing their closets. Unfortunately for me, as I was organizing Maia’s closet the rail fell off the wall. Literally fell right off the wall. So our fun Sunday afternoon became a trip to Lowe’s for a new closet system.




 And our planned lazy Sunday evening became a race to install said new closet system. DIY projects with Matt and I never go according to plan. There’s always naughty words, and eye-rolls, and sighing, and muttered threats. We got half the closet system installed before bedtime and I’ll finish up the rest tomorrow while the kids are at school. 




Hope everyone had a great weekend. I look more to many more fun weekends now that it’s above freezing around these parts and I actually want to leave the house again. Hopefully these fun weekends will not include many more DIY projects. Or it may end in divorce or death. 



He Said, She Said: Wal*Mart

{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. You are welcome.}

Setting the Scene: Matt’s car had a little issue yesterday after Donuts for Dads at the little kids school so he dropped his car off for service and I went to pick him up on my way to Wal*Mart for groceries. Matt has not been to Wal*Mart for a weekly grocery trip in probably over a year. He clearly forgot what to expect. The following conversation took place inside the store as we were shopping.


He Said: Why are there so many people here?


She Said: Did you think we were the only people who were buying groceries today?


He Said: This is normal?


She Said: Yep. Every week. 


He Said: Why is that lady wearing that pleather get-up? Is she a hooker?


She Said: No. And that’s not a lady. He’s here every week. Don’t make eye contact.


He Said: Too late.


She Said: Walk faster. 


He Said: I don’t think I like this place.


She Said: Duh.


He Said: Is he still looking at me?


She Said: Yep. I think he likes you. Want me to introduce you?


He Said: Shut up. This place is scary.


She Said: Wuss. 


The End.



Conversations Overheard At Wal*Mart

I venture out to Wal*Mart once a week for groceries and household products. I’m feeding an army, people. Therefore I must make this journey once a week. Luckily I live only 8 minutes away from a brand new store where everything is all shiny and the people are still happy. Over the past month or so I’ve been jotting down some of the funny and random bits of conversation I can’t help but overhear. 

#1- The Old Lady In The Basketball Aisle: Picture it. A little tiny old lady wearing a neon jogging suit, a fanny pack, and white high top Reebok sneakers carrying the largest purse I’ve ever seen in my life. She walked up to the man working in the sports section and in the loudest voice possible she declared “I’m here to buy me some blue balls.” I didn’t stick around to hear the rest of the conversation because I couldn’t hold in my laughter.

#2- The Woman In The Produce Section Fondling A Cucumber: Seriously. She was fondling it. Stroking it up and down. Then she pulled out a little tape measure and she measured it. Every eye in the produce section was on her as she put it in her cart and said “Where have you been all my life?” Then she walked away. There were some very red-faced older ladies in the produce aisle that day.

#3- The Man In The Feminine Hygiene Aisle: He looked confused and he was on the phone. This was the one-sided conversation we heard. “What does douche look like?” …..”What kind of stupid scavenger hunt is this?”…..”You said this would help me find my true self.”…..”Ok, I have the douche, what now?”….”You want me to put the what where?”….”That’s not funny.”…..”You’re breaking up with me?”…..”But baby, she didn’t mean anything to me.”…..At this point I was cheering for his significant other on the other end of that phone call. 

#4- The Cheerleader In The Pharmacy: She looked extremely uncomfortable- red faced and nervous. The other cheerleader with her was trying to hold back the giggles when the first cheerleader turned to her and said “He said to buy the biggest ones they had or it wouldn’t fit.” An older lady walking past at that exact minute laughed out loud and said “Honey, they all say that. Don’t believe the hype.” 

#5- The Two Ladies In The Check Out Lane: The first lady had 3 little kids with her and looked exhausted. The second lady was primped to perfection and I guessed based on the lack of bags under her eyes that she’s childless. Miss Primped turned to Mrs. Exhaustion and said “Did you see how hot that guy at the gym was? He was totally checking you out.” Mrs. Exhaustion replied “I didn’t notice.” Miss Primped said “How can you not notice? You’re a mom, not a nun.” Mrs. Exhaustion shot back “Once you have a few kids you don’t look at a hot guy without seeing more kids. It kills the attraction fast.” Big pause. Then Miss Primped said “I’m never having kids.” 

You can learn a lot about people through random snippits of their conversations. I’m going to start paying more attention and write down all the funny stuff I hear so I can tell you guys. Matt doesn’t get the concept of eavesdropping for sport. Men.


Things I Accept About Myself

At some point you just have to learn to accept yourself for who you are and stop trying to conform to other people’s expectations of you. Here, in my mid-thirties, I have come to just accept who I am. 


1. I’m a tomboy. There’s just no way around it. I will never be a girly girl. I don’t even own a curling iron. I never wear high heels. I’m a jeans, tee, and sneakers kind of girl. Sometimes I substitute cowboy boots for sneakers. Hair in a messy bun. Minimal make-up. I love sports- football, basketball, hockey, soccer, NASCAR…I will choose to watch sports over a chick flick any day. I asked Matt a few weeks ago if he wished I was more of a girly girl and less tomboy. He laughed at me and reminded me that he fell in love with the tomboy so why would he want me to change. The first time he saw me I was sweaty in full gear from a 3 hour soccer practice. He knew exactly what he was getting into. 


2. I don’t care about fashion trends. I don’t know the current fashion trends. And I don’t want to. I’m perfectly happy with my jeans and comfy tees. I leave the fashion trends to my oldest daughter, who is most definitely a girly girl. 


3. I hate dresses. Well, that’s a lie. I love the idea of dresses. I just don’t like how dresses look on me. I cannot find a style that looks as good on my body as it does on the mannequin. Shopping for a bridesmaid dress for my sister’s upcoming wedding has been an….experience. 


4. I’m a total introvert. I just am. I will never be the life of the party again. I’d rather be curled up at home in my comfy jammies reading a book and drinking a glass of wine instead of making small talk with people I don’t really know. The exception to this rule is, of course, bachelorette parties where we let our freak flags fly. 


5. I’m a book nerd. And I’m fine with that. I have been a book nerd since I learned to read at the age of 4 and I don’t expect that is ever going to change. To complete the book nerd image- I love romance novels. And I don’t care what anyone thinks about that. Everyone can use a little fictional happily ever after in their lives. 


6. I have an unhealthy love of wine. ‘Nuff said.


7. I can never eat just one french fry. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to just sneak one fry out of one of the kid’s meals. I can’t do it. The minute my tongue gets the flavor of that salty goodness, it’s all over. 


8. Coffee is my love language. Iced coffee, hot coffee, frappe’s, flavored coffee…I love them all. I’d rather Matt bring me home an iced coffee than a bouquet of flowers. It’s a serious love affair.


9. My brain to mouth filter does not exist. It just doesn’t. I rarely think before I speak. This affliction is getting worse as I get older. I assume one day I will be that little old lady with the cane who insults everyone who crosses her path. In fact, I’m looking forward to it. Nobody punches little old ladies, right? And if they do…well, I’ll have a cane. 


10. I’m an angry driver. If people would just drive the speed limit, stay in their lanes, use their turn signals, and not drive 55 in the fast lane then I would be fine. But no. The idiots seem to seek me out just to annoy me. Matt hates riding shotgun with me. 


11. I have a black thumb. There is not a plant in the world that I can’t kill. My mom gave me a cactus because she said they are hard to kill. I killed it. My sister gave me an aloe plant. I killed it. My mother-in-law gave me a bamboo plant. I killed it. At least I keep the kids alive, right? That has to count for something. 


12. I have a potty mouth. Sometimes a “sugar” or a “fudge” just doesn’t cut it.  You need to let the real word fly. Matt and I gave up trying to control our language years ago. Now we just teach the kids not to repeat certain words. I use M&M’s as a motivational tool for them to not repeat bad words. We’re all happy with this arrangement. Don’t judge me. 


So I accept myself. I’m not perfect but….well, no but. I’m just not perfect. I’m just me.