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He Said, She Said: Penis Ripping Fish

 
 
 
 
{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. You are welcome.}
 
 
 

Setting the Scene: Matt and I both seem to possess the sense of humor of a teenage boy. We can turn anything into a naughty scenario. It’s a gift. The following conversation took place while we were watching one of Matt’s favorite shows, River Monsters. Be warned- our conversation includes a few vaginas and some random penises thrown in for good measure.

 

He Said: Did he just say someone got their prostate sliced? What kind of fish does that?

 

She Said: A female one.

 

He Said: I’m never going in the water again.

 

She Said: That’s what I’ve been telling you for years. Ooh. This guy had his penis and one testicle ripped off by a fish.

 

He Said: Oh dear sweet baby Jesus. 

 

She Said: Not sure baby Jesus can help you when your penis gets ripped off by a fish.

 

He Said: Look at that fish! Is that the penis ripping fish?

 

She Said: Maybe. Wonder if I can buy one as a pet?

 

He Said: Not funny. Check out the mouth on that thing.

 

She Said: Clearly it’s female.

 

He Said: How do you know?

 

She Said: The mouth looks like a vagina.

 

He Said: It has teeth.

 

She Said: So it’s an angry vagina.

 

He Said: I’m out.

 

She Said: Hey where are you going? Come back. Maybe they’ll show a reenactment of the penis ripping.

 

He Said: I’ll pass.

 

She Said: It’s not like it was your penis.

 

He Said: It’s a man thing. Solidarity and all that.

 

She Said: Penis solidarity? I’m not sure what to say about that.

 

The End. 

 

**I’m working on cleaning out my closet this week. Have you started cleaning out yours using my tips yet? 

**I’ve started gathering ideas for summer activities for the kids? Need some? Check out these great Pinterest boards for inspiration!

**Have you entered for a chance to win a copy of Fly Away & a $100 Visa Gift Card? Don’t forget!

 

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Yes I Bought My 3 Year Old A Kindle. No I Don’t Care What You Think.

 

 

I think the title says it all, yes? 

 

A couple of weekends ago Matt and I took the 3 little kids over to Toys R Us and we bought Zoey her own Kindle Fire HD. On sale for $119 and it came with a free case. She’s happy. I’m happy. We’re all happy. And then I spent the next week or so justifying our purchase to people- from family members to friends to random people at Wal*Mart. 

 

We bought her the Kindle because all the other kids have tablets. Ty has a Samsung Galaxy Tab. Cam, Maia, and Mase all have Kindle Fire HD tablets. They watch movies, play games, and read books. Zoey was always begging to watch shows on my iPhone because her LeapPad didn’t have the shows she wanted. The kids don’t have cable on their television in the playroom- only video games and a DVD player. We have premium channels and I didn’t want to worry about what they were watching when I wasn’t in the room. So if they want to watch a movie they watch on Netflix or Amazon on their tablets. We don’t have televisions or computers or video games in the bedrooms. They have to turn in their tablets and phones at the end of the evening when they go to bed. The Kindle’s have that awesome FreeTime app that turns off the little kid’s tablets at a preset time. One it turns off they bring them downstairs to me so I can charge the overnight. So far, it works well for us. Plus I can set the app to only allow so many minutes of games or movies and I can set it to only allow games and movies after a certain amount of reading time. It helps my more reluctant reader….Mase. 

 

I don’t understand the big issue with technology and kids. A friend was very vocal about how we were ruining Zoey’s childhood by allowing her to have a Kindle. What? It’s not the same as when I was a kid. Back then, there was no internet, no cellphones, no tablets. We didn’t have a computer or even cable television. The world has changed. Mase uses an iPad almost every day in Kindergarten. Maia has her own iPad assigned by the school for use in her classes- so does Ty. The kids have to know how to use technology- it’s a huge part of their future. I don’t think 3 years old is too young to introduce technology. Zoey uses her Kindle every day. But she also plays outside and has tea parties and plays dress up and blows bubbles. The Kindle is a small part of her day. She watches a show on Netflix or Disney Jr while she eats lunch. She uses the read-to-me feature to enjoy a book before she takes a nap. She’s not glued to the screen all day every day. 

 

I was confronted by an older lady in Wal*Mart the other day while in the produce aisle. Zoey was watching a show on her Kindle while we shopped thanks to our Mifi that is worth every single cent of the $20 we pay per month. This lady, who doesn’t know us, stopped me to say that I was being a lazy parent. What? She informed me that I could be using our shopping trip to teach Zoey how to count or her colors. I think I stood there with my mouth hanging open for a second before my brain re-engaged enough to inform Miss Nosy Nelly that her opinion was worth about as much as the moldy strawberries I just bypassed on my way to the bananas. 

 

But I know her opinion is one shared by many in the older generations. They don’t see the technology as progress or necessary. They see it as lazy parenting. Even my mother is still on the fence about it. She doesn’t understand technology and I spend way too much time helping her figure out how to use her flip phone and laptop computer. These conversations lead to the consumption of large quantities of wine by me. I can’t imagine restricting my kids from learning how to use technology because I know just how important it’s going to be for their futures. 

 

I know I cannot be the only parent who feels this way based on the sheer number of toddlers I passed in the same Wal*Mart trip playing on an iPhone or tablet. We don’t deserve to be judged as lazy parents for allowing technology into our kid’s lives. I refuse to apologize for letting my 3 year old have a Kindle or my 9 year old to have an iPhone or my 13 year old to have a laptop. I don’t pass judgement on the 4 year old with the pacifier and baby bottle full of Mountain Dew throwing the mother of all tantrums in Wal*Mart….at least not out loud. So do the courtesy of judging me silently like any good Southerner. That’s all I’m asking. 

 

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Easy Clean Up At The Arts & Crafts Table

This shop is part of a social shopper marketing insight campaign with Pollinate Media Group® and Scott Brand, but all my opinions are my own. #pmedia #Scottvalue http://my-disclosur.es/OBsstV

 

I love being a mom. I love pretty much everything about it….maybe not necessarily all the time but most of the time. I love watching my kids interact with each other and form friendships. I love watching them be creative and discover their passions. I’ve never been shy about shouting from the rooftops that the one part of parenting I dislike is doing arts and crafts. I love to browse Pinterest and pin all kinds of cool stuff for kids to do. Unfortunately collecting and pinning the ideas is usually as far as I get. And, of course,  my kids happen to be completely enamored with all things crafty- paint, markers, glue, glitter, play-doh…the messier the better. I rely heavily on pre-made art sets to fulfill my kids love of arts and crafts. I recently found the cutest Jake and the Neverland Pirates art sets at the store and my little kids were just beside themselves with happiness.

 

 

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They had the best time using the paints to create epic masterpieces for me to display on the fridge. They colored and used the stamps- mainly on their little bodies. They decorated with the stickers and used every single colored marker to fill in the details. I swear they must have stayed busy for at least 2 hours. But their favorite was the paint. I gave them little individual cups of water to wash their brushes and they had the best time channeling their inner Picasso. 

 

 

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As much as I enjoyed watching them paint and use their creativity, I dreaded cleaning up the mess left behind. Let’s face it, you put a 3 year old and a 6 year old at one table with a paint set and some water and there’s gonna be a mess to clean up. Zoey spilled her cup of water at least 3 times and Mase flicked his paint brush so many times that my table looked like it was covered in polka dots. The only thing keeping me from twitching every time I glanced at the mess was knowing I had recently purchased Scott Towels at Kmart to help me clean up the aftermath of arts and crafts time.

 

 

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Scott Towels are thick enough to allow me to wipe up the mess efficiently and easily. What normally would have taken me a roll of paper towels and more time than I can spare was done in less than 10 minutes. If clean up is going to be that easy then maybe I won’t dread arts and craft time quite so much in the future. 

 

 

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Look at that sparkling clean table! So head over to Kmart and grab some Scott Towels to clean up after your own little Picasso. Check out Kmart’s Shop Your Way Rewards for great coupon offers on Scott Tissue products this week. 

 

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He Said, She Said: How To Kill Your Husband

 
 
 
 
{You know all those funny and/or stupid little moments that happen in every marriage but nobody ever talks about? Well welcome to He Said, She Said: True Stories where I give you an unprecedented glimpse inside the marital dysfunction. You are welcome.}
 
 
 

Setting the Scene: I record a wide variety of shows on my DVR, some of which are not Matt’s kind of thing. He rarely watches anything on the DVR unless I put it on for him. I think he’s scared to delete something….because clearly that is a capital crime in this house. So the other day he actually went browsing through my recorded shows which is when this conversation took place.

 

He Said: So I was going through the DVR earlier.

 

She Said: And? You didn’t delete anything did you?

 

He Said: No. 

 

She Said: Are you sure? You really didn’t? There’s a lot of important stuff on there.

 

He Said: I didn’t delete anything.

 

She Said: Good. If you did….well, I’ll cut you.

 

He Said: Yeah, I know. That’s kind of where I was going with this conversation.

 

She Said: Huh?

 

He Said: You’re recording a show called “How to kill your husband”?

 

She Said: Yep.

 

He Said: That’s concerning.

 

She Said: Technically the show is called “How NOT to kill your husband”. And I also record Wives with Knives, Snapped, Deadly Wives, and Secret Lives of Stepford Wives.

 

He Said: Now it’s terrifying. Why?

 

She Said: Research. 

 

He Said: Is it hot in here?

 

She Said: That’s just your bodies natural reaction to intense fear.

 

He Said: Oh. And the shivers going up and down my spine?

 

She Said: Your brains intense fear of me.

 

He Said: Good to know.

 

The End.

 

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If We Had A Coffee Date

If we had a morning coffee date this week at my house the first thing you would see when you came in the front door is the Little People slash Imaginext castle village that the little kids built and played with all weekend. I haven’t had the time to clean it all up and even if I did they would just drag it all back out again after they’re done playing outside. So I’ll just leave it until the end of Spring Break. At least they’re playing together. And if I run out of ideas to keep them entertained I can check out 5 of my favorite Pinterest boards for inspiration!

 

 

 

 

Then you’d probably notice all the bags and boxes cluttering up the dining room table waiting for me to donate or give away. I cleaned out all the closets in the past 2 weeks to make way for Spring clothes. It felt so good to pack up the outgrown clothes and put away the sweaters. It makes me happy to see all the shorts and tees hanging in the closet. I got so excited that I also cleaned out the little kids toys and packed up a bunch to donate. 

 

I’d offer you a choice of flavored coffee. I stocked up on kcups while they were on sale at Target last week. I have Pumpkin Spice, Island Coconut, Mudslide, Blueberry, Peppermint Mocha….you name it, probably have it. Then I went back to Target and found all the boxes of Pumpkin Spice marked down to $4.48. I was tossing them in the cart while laughing with glee.  I also grabbed a stock of the Dunkin Donuts Extra Sweet creamer. I love this stuff. 

 

 

 

 

I’m sure you’d see the half opened boxes from my recent online shopping excursion. I should say shopping spree but excursion makes it sound more exciting and less expensive. I’ve been really good over the last year- not buying myself hardly anything and just making do with what I already owned. Now that I’ve lost quite a bit of weight- 22lbs if you’re counting- it was time for some new clothes. Old Navy had some great white distressed skinny jeans and camo skinny pants I wanted plus they had boots on sale so I grabbed 3 pairs for $9.60 each. H&M had a huge sale on my favorite low bootcut jeans. Target had buy one, get one half off on their maxi skirts. Let’s just say mama had a little excursion and leave it at that. 

 

 

 

 

You’d probably also see the 3 new pairs of boots I found on clearance at Target for $10.48 each recently. I’ve been eyeing the floral boots and the aqua blue ones for months, just waiting for a sale. The brown ones were not on my radar until I saw them for $10.48. Apparently that price puts them in my cart without a second thought. 

 

 

 

 

You’d definitely see my kids doing chores. I refuse to raise lazy kids. Even the 3 year old has chores. They might whine and mutter under their breath about doing those chores but they do them. We’re starting to add more responsibilities and bigger jobs to their chore lists, much to their dismay. The other day Maia informed me that she is “not free child slave labor”. I laughed out loud. Because yes she is. I was free slave labor for my mom too. It’s how it works. 

 

 

 

 

I’d remind you about all the great giveaways going on so you don’t miss your chance to win:

$100 Visa Gift Card

Copy of Fly Away & $100 Visa Gift Card

$100 Visa Gift Card

 

 

So that’s what you would see when you came inside my house. Hopefully you wouldn’t run away screaming. That’s always a possibility….especially when the dog starts licking your legs. He’s a freak. 

 

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