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10 Tips For Proper Pool Etiquette

We seem to have an abundance of pool douches in our neighborhood this year. Some of them are new to the neighborhood but there are quite a few who have been here for years and therefore should know better. In the interest of not having to hold anyone’s head under water I decided to share some tips for appropriate pool etiquette. I’m considering petitioning the HOA to see if this list can be included with the official pool rules every homeowner has to sign when picking up the annual pool pass. I don’t think some people realize just how much ire (read: hatred)  they are inspiring within the neighborhood. So let’s go over some basic pool etiquette tips.

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 1. Don’t let your kid annoy other people. This includes, but is not limited to, allowing them to shoot other people in the face with water guns, splashing babies and small children, doing cannonball jumps right next to other swimmers, and blocking the stairs so nobody can get in the pool. Please, take a minute away from your tanning and iPhone playing to remind your kid to use their manners. Those of us who actually have to be in the pool with our kids will thank you.

 2. Wear proper swim attire. I appreciate that you are happy with your body but there are certain parts of said body that I don’t particularly want to see at the pool. If I can see more than 2 inches of side boob falling out of your very small bikini, please buy a bigger size. If you’re wearing bikini bottoms as a thong and it looks like your butt crack is eating those bottoms, please buy a bigger size. There are small children at the pool, for crying out loud.

 3. There is no food in the pool. I can’t believe I even have to reiterate this one. What kind of a jerk lets their kid enter the pool with a bag full of Cheez-its? Do you not understand what happens to Cheez-its when they get wet? If your kid is hungry then there are some very nice tables and chairs where they can sit and eat their snack before getting back in the pool. Really, people, this is common sense.

 4. The rules are the rules and they apply to your kid too. Don’t let your kid disregard the pool rules that the rest of us are enforcing with our own kids. It’s not fair and it makes you look irresponsible. Please refer to #1 for more clarification if you are confused.

 5. Lifeguards are there to keep everyone safe, please stop distracting them. Not only does it make you look ridiculous at your age, it makes the rest of us embarrassed for you. You are not a cougar, you are a middle aged married mother of 3. Step away from the hot, young, lifeguards.

 6. Bring your own pool toys and stop stealing from others. Seriously, those stupid pool toys are not that expensive. You can find them in the Dollar section at Target. I am not a referee and I do not like having to forcibly take my kids’ toys away from your kid every single day. Buy your kid a pool toy!

 7. Supervise your own kid. I have 4 of my own kids to supervise in the pool. I do not have enough eyes, or patience, to supervise your kid as well. Parking yourself on a pool lounger on the other side of the pool and assuming the other mothers will watch your kid is rude. Ignoring your kid’s shrieking and/or yelling back at them across the pool makes me want to hold your head underwater. 

 8. If your kid cannot swim they should not be alone in the pool. Again, this seems like common sense to me. Buy your kid a puddle jumper float or get in the water with them. Rest assured if I see your kid pull my kid underwater because your kid jumped in and cannot swim, I will be returning the favor.

 9. If your kid is not potty trained, use a swim diaper. Nobody wants to have to sit out of the pool for an hour because your kid made a poopy in the pool. I know those swim diapers are expensive but get a grip. The rest of the neighborhood should not have to suffer because of your stupidity.

 10. Don’t yell at other people’s kids. I don’t care why you are yelling at someone else’s kid. I don’t care what they were doing. You don’t yell at other people’s kids. You yell at their parents. If I see you yelling at my kid be prepared to take a dive into the pool. And you better be a fast swimmer. Nobody yells at my kids but me. 

 We all want to enjoy the pool, please don’t ruin it for the rest of us by being a Pool Douche. Thank you for committing these rules of Pool Etiquette to memory before the start of the next swim season.

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