I turned 37 years old last week. How? I swear I was just a youngster and now I’m middle aged. Middle aged…well, almost. I hope to live longer than my mid-70’s but you never know. It got me thinking about how much has changed in the last decade. There’s a world of difference between 27 and 37.
1. My baby factory was still open for business at age 27. Now, it’s closed up so tight there might be cobwebs. The uterus has been retired.
2. I feel like a fraud walking into Forever 21.
3. My body has suddenly decided it doesn’t want to process dairy anymore.
4. I now understand control top pantyhose and spanx.
5. Eating that cheeseburger means an extra hour on the treadmill.
6. I’d rather buy booze than pay for expensive highlights. Now I just consider my gray hair to be natural highlights.
7. Getting takeout and a redbox movie are now the ideal date night.
8. Going partying now includes character decorations, a bouncy house, and ice cream cake. And the only stripper we’ll see is the kid who manages to take his diaper off.
9. Getting carded at a restaurant is the highlight of my night.
10. My spam folder now has messages from AARP right along with the promotions for penis enhancers. Now I’m not just considered a transvestite but an old transvestite by the spammers. Awesome.
There has to be some good parts to getting older, right? Too bad I can’t remember any of them. The memory is the first to go. Clearly.
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