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If I Were Queen Of Everything


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Do you ever catch yourself saying things like “well if I were in charge…” or “that would never happen on my watch”? I hope it’s not just me. Anyway, I had a conversation with a neighbor a couple of days ago about something going on in our ‘hood and we were talking about things that would never happen if we were in charge of the HOA. It started me thinking about what else would be different if I were Queen of Everything. I made a list. Because, obviously.

If I Were Queen:

-There would be no such thing as unsweetened tea

-People with no sense of humor would be banished to island together- like Lost for jerks afflicted with stickupassitis

-French Fries would be a vegetable

-Slow drivers in the fast lane would be shot with paintballs guns as a warning to others- and repeat offenders would just be shot

-People who hurt children and animals would never be given a second chance

-All weekends would be 3 days

-Kids (and husbands) would come with a mute button

-Money would grow on trees

-Stupid men would be neutered and never allowed to breed

-Women who hit on married men would be spayed like the stray dogs they are

-Being a stay-at-home mom would come with a salary and benefits

-Coffee would come in 4 sizes- tall, grande, venti, and IV infusion 

-Books would never end in a cliffhanger

-People who take 65 items through the 10 items or less line would be beaten with rubber hoses

-Tech support would be provided by someone speaking identifiable English who really does live in Cincinnati 

-Cupcakes would be a food group

Now that sounds like a world I want to live in. I really should be Queen of Everything. I have a tiara and everything.


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  • Nysha

    I agree with all of your items, although I’d add stupid women to the neutered & no kids thing. I’d also switch things so instead of having to take birth control to not get pregnant, women would have to eat/drink a special herb to get pregnant. That would cut out “oops” babies.

    • Good idea! There probably should also be a test you have to pass before you get to have a kid. That would cut down on a lot of really bad parenting situations.