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Things I Didn’t Know Before Becoming A Mom

There are so many things I didn’t know before I became a mom. Awhile back I shared a list of things I never thought I would say before becoming a mom. Today I’m sharing a list of things I didn’t know before I became a mom.

 1. I would never sleep again. Like ever. I don’t remember the last time I got a full night of sleep. It’s like that mythical unicorn…it might be out there but you’ve never seen it. 

 2. Chicken nuggets and fruit loops would constitute a meal. Not for me, the toddler. I only get half a chicken nugget and the yellow fruit loops because apparently those taste gross. Seriously. Toddler nutrition is hard, y’all. Last week Zoey would only eat things that were pink or orange. I was the crazy lady mixing ketchup and mayo together to make pink so she would dip her orange dino chicken nuggets into it. Nobody warned me how picky toddlers were about food. 

 3. I would consider poop to be an acceptable topic of conversation in public. Your threshold for humiliation grows exponentially the minute you have a kid. Your kids will humiliate you in ways that you never could have imagined. You will become that mom wearing her pj’s underneath her hubby’s sweatshirt with her hair in a ponytail and mismatched shoes on her feet in the aisle of the pharmacy at 10pm to get Children’s Tylenol. You know, the woman you used to stare at in horrified fascination before you had kids. Yeah. 

4. Going to bed early would sound more appealing than a night out on the town. The thought of getting ready, shaving both legs, doing my hair, finding a babysitter….ugh. I’d rather sit around in my pj’s and watch a movie. Clearly I’ve crossed over into elderly. The only thing left is adult diapers. 

 5. There would always be another load of laundry to do. And the house would never be clean again. At least not until they leave home. You can spend hours cleaning, sorting, organizing and spit shining a room in your house and I guarantee it will look like the aftermath of a college frat party 5 minutes after your kids enter. It’s as if they are magical…magical little trolls. 

 6. I would regret not appreciating going to the bathroom alone. I didn’t realize what a good thing I had until it disappeared. I haven’t gone tinkle alone in 13 years. I don’t even bother to close the door if it’s just me and the little’s at home. They’re just going to bang on the door and scream anyway. I had to learn to ignore the pointing and asking “what’s that?” and “why don’t I have one of those?”

 7. I would have every episode of Doc McStuffins, Sofia the First, Octonauts, & Sheriff Callie stuck in my brain and playing on a continuous loop. I lose brain cells every day, people. Every day. 

 8. I would consider bribery to be an acceptable parenting tool. Not just acceptable- necessary. Also, blackmail is very powerful when dealing with teenagers and tweens. I can get Ty to do just about anything by threatening to text his baby pictures to his friends. Powerful weapon in the ole parenting arsenal. 

 9. I would fully embrace day drinking. And feel absolutely no shame. None.

 10. I would never eat a hot meal again. Someone will always need a drink refill, a second helping of pasta, or a new napkin the minute you set down your plate on the table. 

 11. There would be no such thing as a day off. There are no sick days. Kids don’t care if your head is about to explode or your tummy is churning like a raft in a tsunami. They still need to be fed, watered and entertained.

 12. There would be no hiding place good enough to keep the kids from devouring the last box of Thin Mints. Kids can sniff them out like bloodhounds. 

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