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Conversations Overheard At Wal*Mart

I venture out to Wal*Mart once a week for groceries and household products. I’m feeding an army, people. Therefore I must make this journey once a week. Luckily I live only 8 minutes away from a brand new store where everything is all shiny and the people are still happy. Over the past month or so I’ve been jotting down some of the funny and random bits of conversation I can’t help but overhear. 

#1- The Old Lady In The Basketball Aisle: Picture it. A little tiny old lady wearing a neon jogging suit, a fanny pack, and white high top Reebok sneakers carrying the largest purse I’ve ever seen in my life. She walked up to the man working in the sports section and in the loudest voice possible she declared “I’m here to buy me some blue balls.” I didn’t stick around to hear the rest of the conversation because I couldn’t hold in my laughter.

#2- The Woman In The Produce Section Fondling A Cucumber: Seriously. She was fondling it. Stroking it up and down. Then she pulled out a little tape measure and she measured it. Every eye in the produce section was on her as she put it in her cart and said “Where have you been all my life?” Then she walked away. There were some very red-faced older ladies in the produce aisle that day.

#3- The Man In The Feminine Hygiene Aisle: He looked confused and he was on the phone. This was the one-sided conversation we heard. “What does douche look like?” …..”What kind of stupid scavenger hunt is this?”…..”You said this would help me find my true self.”…..”Ok, I have the douche, what now?”….”You want me to put the what where?”….”That’s not funny.”…..”You’re breaking up with me?”…..”But baby, she didn’t mean anything to me.”…..At this point I was cheering for his significant other on the other end of that phone call. 

#4- The Cheerleader In The Pharmacy: She looked extremely uncomfortable- red faced and nervous. The other cheerleader with her was trying to hold back the giggles when the first cheerleader turned to her and said “He said to buy the biggest ones they had or it wouldn’t fit.” An older lady walking past at that exact minute laughed out loud and said “Honey, they all say that. Don’t believe the hype.” 

#5- The Two Ladies In The Check Out Lane: The first lady had 3 little kids with her and looked exhausted. The second lady was primped to perfection and I guessed based on the lack of bags under her eyes that she’s childless. Miss Primped turned to Mrs. Exhaustion and said “Did you see how hot that guy at the gym was? He was totally checking you out.” Mrs. Exhaustion replied “I didn’t notice.” Miss Primped said “How can you not notice? You’re a mom, not a nun.” Mrs. Exhaustion shot back “Once you have a few kids you don’t look at a hot guy without seeing more kids. It kills the attraction fast.” Big pause. Then Miss Primped said “I’m never having kids.” 

You can learn a lot about people through random snippits of their conversations. I’m going to start paying more attention and write down all the funny stuff I hear so I can tell you guys. Matt doesn’t get the concept of eavesdropping for sport. Men.

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  • rorybore

    I couldn’t hear anything over the wailing, screaming and gnashing of teeth that some women’s child did For 30 Straight Minutes. Oh my word, I get it he’s cranky – you have shopping to do, but with respect for everyone’s ears and likely your sanity; take the kid to the car and calm him down. I’m not judging – we’ve all been there — but this was just OMG. I’ve never heard a kid scream that loud and that long before.

  • Patience Brown

    I like the new store where “everything is shiny and the people are still happy”. That is so true! Not too far from me a new Walmart opened about a year and a half ago. Recently a Costco opened beside it. (Really. Beside it!) It doesn’t seem so happy and shiny anymore. LOL

  • Emily Janz

    Ha ha ha! I can’t even decide which on is my favorite!