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Things I Never Thought I’d Say

Until I had kids I never realized the absurdly insane things that would one day come out of my mouth. Sometimes I look around for the hidden camera and assume I’m on some low-rated cable prank show. Seriously. It’s the only plausible explanation for some of the things I find myself saying. Especially since sometimes I have to say them more than once.


10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say

1. Please don’t put your finger in the dog’s butt.
I mean, really? This needs to be said? Gross.


2. Do not use your toothbrush and toothpaste on the dog’s teeth.
The poor dog. He walked around foaming at the mouth like he had rabies. But his breath was minty fresh.


3. The toilet is not an appropriate place to wash your hands.
Again, really? I don’t care how many bubbles you can make when you flush.


4. Your poop is not an acceptable alternative for Play-Doh.
Although it was a very lifelike replica of a snake. Still…


5. Please do not stick your hand down my shirt in public.
Especially when you grab my boob and say “honk honk”. Really kid?


6. It is not okay to show strangers at Target your new panties.
It’s really not ok to ask to see theirs in return.


7. Please do not ask ladies at the grocery store if they have a “bagina”.
And why do they target older ladies who lost their sense of humor when menopause started?


8. Well what did you think would happen if you stuck a jelly bean up your nose?
At least it came out with a good nose blow this time instead of an ER visit. You can only go to the ER so many times before a social worker pays a home visit.


9. You did not puke up blood, it’s red food dye from the supersize slurpie.
You know, the supersize slurpie that you should never have been allowed to have. Thanks grandma.


10. You understand you are not the boss in this house, right?
No really, you are not the boss. Why are you laughing?


Do you see what I’m working with here people? It’s maddening. This is why I day drink.





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