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Top Mom Invention: The Decontaminator

I have an invention idea that someone needs to get right on please. It’s called The Decontaminator and it’s made for moms! The idea was born out of necessity in our house of illness over the past few weeks. First, it was the stomach plague. Then came the pink eye outbreak. Which was followed by the flu. I’ve started called my children The Outbreak Monkey’s. Because seriously, we’ve been sick for over a month straight now. No amount of healthy eating, vitamins, juices, hand washing, sanitizing, and cleaning has been able to kill whatever the heck these kids are bringing home with them from school every day.

So I have an idea.

I want someone to build me a decontamination chamber to fit my foyer. It was must be completely enclosed. As soon as you enter the front door you are inside the chamber. You will immediately undress and your clothing will be bagged for further decontamination. Then you will be sprayed with some kind of industrial strength germ killing probably illegal in 20 countries disinfectant. Head to toe. Kind of like a spray tanner works. The chamber does not unlock and allow you out until you are dry and disinfected. Good, right?

I even thought about some kind of early detection system too. Maybe a built in thermometer that detects the beginnings of a fever. Or something that can detect germs…that would be even better. I wonder if the CDC has any such tool in development? Huh. Then if the chamber shows any kind of germs you can be immediately quarantined to avoid the spreading of said germs. Pretty smart idea, right? Matt says the fever is making me delusional but motherhood did that long ago.

Who wants to start the development with me? I can’t take any more sickness in this house. My immune system has just given up- really, it packed up its stuff and moved on out. The kids are bringing home some kind of mutant super germs from school and I can’t fight them off anymore. Schools really should be considered the breeding grounds for the new plague. Really.

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  • Great idea but don’t forget lice! My daughter has had them like 3 times over the years. They must have a thing for cute brunettes. I told her the little lice are saying, “woohoo, party on Riley’s head” I’m to the point where every time the poor kid scratches her head I jump into delousing mode and start checking her scalp! They are persistent little devils! Hope you all are feeling healthy for Christmas 🙂

  • Germiest job in America. Mine. No flu bugs here yet, but I’m sure they’re swarming nearby…

  • I just read somewhere that you should cut an onion in half, put it cut side up on a plate and place it near your bed. The onion supposedly absorbs the germs so you won’t get sick. I haven’t tried it yet, so I don’t know if it works.

  • Happy Holidays, right? Good news though – it’s almost Christmas break! I have a question about the decontamination chamber – you remove your clothes so then are all your guests/family members walking around nekkid once they come inside or are you providing robes? Just curious.

  • Omg I am so in I just have one child in school so far and the cycle of sickness is never ending I can only imagine how horrible it is for you. That would be an awesome invention because being sick all the time sucks!! btw your hilarious absolutely love your blogs!!

  • I wanted one of those when my dh was going through the worst of his allergies. Something to desmoke/deperfume/de whatever them when they entered the house. It would also have saved me having to order children or myself to totally strip and take a shower after visiting smoking friends or wherever. Forced air with a hepa filter is definitely an improvement but I still like the airlock deal. (also maybe a trapdoor underneath the welcome mat for undesirable visitors. (leading to pit of alligators?)

  • I’m in. My kids brought something home & I’ve been sick for over two weeks now & they have the most horrid coughs. My husband is a chemist so I’ll see what he can do. Hope you all feel better soon!