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If You Really Knew Me

I think half the blogs I read have done this by now so I’m totally late to the party as usual. I blame the wine. I had the best of intentions to do one of these posts awhile back, then I drank a bottle of wine and promptly forgot all about it. I won’t bother to tell you how often that happens, you’d probably start planning some kind of intervention or send me a list of AA meetings.

If you really knew me

~you would know I’m a total introvert but I can fake an extrovert with the best of them.

~you would know I’m not a touchy feely person, except with my kids. And the Husband, but that’s a whole nother post.

~you would know I like wine. What? You already know that?

~you would know I failed my drivers ed test the first time I took it. I ran into a mailbox, backed up over a curb, and almost killed a dude on a bike. Yes, I was sober.

~you would know I am horrible with money management. Matt handles the budget and bill paying. If I handled it we would be living in a homeless shelter somewhere fighting bums for free cheese.

~you would know I cry when I get really really angry. But I don’t cry when I’m sad. I’m a contradiction.

~you would know I struggle every single day with anxiety and fear.

~you would know that I fight my addiction to fast food every single day.

~you would know I am perpetually socially awkward and I will embarrass myself in public at every opportunity

~you would know I love food and I love to eat. You will never hear me say that I “forgot to eat”. Seriously. Who are these people that forget to eat?

~you would know I do not dance. Unless I have been drinking. Then I can really bust a move…or cut a rug…or whatever the youngsters call it these days.

~you would know that sarcasm is one of my God given gifts and I use it wisely. Also, the sarcasm is all that’s stopping me from beating an idiot with a brick broom most of the time.

~you would know that I have a seriously screwed up stomach. Seriously. The list of foods that I can eat is a lot shorter than the list of foods I cannot eat.

~you would know that my favorite movie of all time is Steel Magnolias, hands down without question.

~you would know that I have an addiction to Sweet Tea. I can’t help it. I love it. Especially from Bojangles or Chick-fil-a.

~you would know that I am a reformed people pleaser who has learned the hard way that you can’t make everyone happy without losing sight of yourself.

~you would know that I consider my kids to be the greatest accomplishments in my life and I’m sure one day their therapists will thank me for helping to finance their new vacation homes.

~you would know that I would rather swig beer out of a bottle and watch the football game than sit with the women in the kitchen gossiping about which desperate housewife is diddling with the pool guy.  

~you would know that I hate dresses. Well, I love the idea of dresses. I just don’t like how dresses look on me. I cannot find a style that looks as good on my body as it does on the mannequin. Maybe if I were headless, comprised mainly of plastic, and was shaped like Barbie I would love dresses. I’m not holding my breath.

~you would know that I survive mainly because of coffee. I believe coffee should come in 4 sizes- tall, grande, venti, and IV infusion.

~you would know that my brain to mouth filter does not exist. It just doesn’t. I rarely think before I speak. This affliction is getting worse as I get older. I assume one day I will be that little old lady with the cane who insults everyone who crosses her path. In fact, I’m looking forward to it. Nobody punches little old ladies, right? And if they do…well, I’ll have a cane. 

~you would know that I have a black thumb. There is not a plant in the world that I can’t kill. My mom gave me a cactus because she said they are hard to kill. I killed it. My sister gave me an aloe plant. I killed it. My mother-in-law gave me a bamboo plant. I killed it. At least I keep the kids alive, right? That has to count for something.

~you would know that I have a potty mouth. Sometimes a “sugar” or a “fudge” just doesn’t cut it.  You need to let the real word fly.

~you would know that I would hurdle a chair and scale a kitchen counter to get away from a spider. Even if she’s not in her own home at the time. In my defense, said spider fell off the ceiling and landed directly in front of me. Clearly it was an attack spider and therefore my actions were totally justified.

~you would know that I believe the only thing that makes french fries more delicious is dipping them in a Frosty. 

~you would know that I would rather have 1 amazing friend than 100 superficial ones.

~you would know that I sing along with the music in the car with the windows down no matter who can hear me or how embarrassed my kids get.

~you would know that I have terrible insomnia and I would sleep until noon every day if the law didn’t require my children to go to school every day.

~you would know that I’m a huge book nerd and when I get engrossed in a really great book I cannot sleep until I finish it.

~you would know that Fall is my most favorite season. I love the cool weather, the Pumpkin Spice everything, football season, the pretty colors…I love it all.

~you would know that I’m addicted to People magazine. Seriously, it’s my guilty pleasure that I look forward to every week. I read it in a bubble bath with a glass of wine. 

~you would know that I’m terrified of heights. I can’t even watch a scene on television or a movie where it shows someone looking over the edge of a high place. I get sick to my stomach.

~you would know that I went to college on a soccer scholarship but damaged my knee beyond repair before the season even started.

~you would know that I have lived in one state and 4 cities my entire life but we spent part of our summers with my maternal family in England.

~you would know that when I was 17 I went on a senior beach trip with my friends and came home with a belly piercing. My parents didn’t find out until I was 19.

~you would know that the first thing I do whenever I come home is take off my bra and put on comfy pants.

~you would know that I rarely get offended or get my feelings hurt. I have pretty thick skin and choose to not let things bother me.

~you would know that I love to laugh. I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor and it makes me cheer to see that same trait emerging in my kids.

~you would know that I’m terrible at math. Seriously. I’m the worst. I stopped understanding math when the alphabet got involved. I cringe every time one of my kids needs help with math homework.

~you would know that I hate roses and think they’re generic instead of romantic. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and tulips.

~you would know that I could spend hours wandering through Target by myself. It’s my happy place.

~you would know that I absolutely love the beach. If I could, I would live right on the ocean. Nothing is more soothing to my soul than the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. And nothing is more humbling than standing in front of the ocean and seeing how tiny we are in comparison to God’s creation.

~you would know that I was adopted from foster care as an infant and that was my main motivation in becoming a foster parent.

~you would know that I have a severe aversion to the words moist, probing, and decaffeinated. They make me shudder.

~you would know that I was a cheerleader for years until I had to make a choice between soccer and cheerleading. Soccer won.

~you would know that I am not afraid to take a stand for something I believe in, even if it means I stand alone.

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  • I did a blog on this, you inspired me to do it LOL http://momosmoment.blogspot.com/2012/08/if-you-really-knew-me-tag.html

  • You sound normal to me. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • I think we may have been separated at birth.

  • totally socially awkward as well, so can relate! Also, introvert. Also bad at Math. Also not touchy-feely except with my kids. And, just substitute wine for margaritas for me!! ๐Ÿ˜€

  • Finding more and more reasons to suspect we were separated at birth. I’d fight bums for cheese with you any day. Plus bums usually have wine, too!

  • Awesome way to get to know you. You sound fantastic. I never cry when sad either. I giggle when nervous and anxious a really bad habit.

  • Hey! (Signing on from work, don’t let that fool you…)

    I haven’t done this, but I need to!

    And I would comment directly on your content, but I can’t remember any of it because thought it’s lunch time and I’m trying to take a break, geometry, social studies and read aloud are ignoring the downtime filter…as is parent night tonight. What AM I going to tell these people?

  • -I’m a reformed perfectionist (in progress)it’s just not possible after the 3rd child

    -crying is my go to emotional state – happy, sad, angry – it sucks

    -I dance – badly – but I just do that “dance like no one is watching” sign I’m always seeing

    That stomach thing problem might be tied to the anxiety. Take it from a mom who has been living with a child with anxiety/depression issues for several years.

    Cheers! Is it too early? Can it be the weekend and happy hour now please?

  • alright, it’s very clear to me that a girls pj, wine and Steel Magnolia’s slumber party is a moral imperative at this point!!
    “I’m not as sweet as I used to be.”
    “I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!”
    And I won’t cry at the sad parts….cause they don’t make me angry. duh. also, you’re totally normal ๐Ÿ™‚

  • I agree with you about Steel Magnolias and sweet tea! They are both great!

  • WOW. You & I would be total BFFs IRL! ๐Ÿ™‚

    “There is no such thing as natural beauty.” My gosh, I LOVE that movie with all my heart.

  • “He’s so confused he don’t know whether he should scratch is watch or wind his butt”
    “I am not CRAZY! I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years!”
    “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”
    …….I could go on and on!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • I cry when I’m angry too. And I do the ugly cry and my face turns all red and blotchy and everyone for the rest of the day can tell I cried. It sucks.
    I also really like getting to know other people. Thanks for sharing! (although I also speak sarcasm, that wasn’t sarcastic.)

  • I think Janene and I both still need to do a post like this. Loved learning more about you!

  • I still need to do this post. I am with you on the dancing thing, my husband handles the finances and I failed MY first driver’s test too! Hmmmm….seems like we have a lot in common. P.S. I NEVER forget to eat either. Unfortunately.