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If You Really Knew Me

If you really knew me

~you would know I’m a total introvert but I can fake an extrovert with the best of them.

~you would know I’m not a touchy feely person, except with my kids. And the Husband, but that’s a whole nother post.

~you would know I like wine. What? You already know that?

~you would know I failed my drivers ed test the first time I took it. I ran into a mailbox, backed up over a curb, and almost killed a dude on a bike. Yes, I was sober.

~you would know I am horrible with money management. The Husband handles the budget and bill paying. If I handled it we would be living in a homeless shelter somewhere fighting bums for free cheese.

~you would know I cry when I get really really angry. But I don’t cry when I’m sad. I’m a contradiction.

~you would know I struggle every single day with anxiety and fear.

~you would know that I fight my addiction to fast food every single day.

~you would know I am perpetually socially awkward and I will embarrass myself in public at every opportunity

~you would know I love food and I love to eat. You will never hear me say that I “forgot to eat”. Seriously. Who are these people that forget to eat?

~you would know I do not dance. Unless I have been drinking. Then I can really bust a move…or cut a rug…or whatever the youngsters call it these days.

~you would know that sarcasm is one of my God given gifts and I use it wisely. Also, the sarcasm is all that’s stopping me from beating an idiot with a brick broom most of the time.

~you would know that I have a seriously screwed up stomach. Seriously. The list of foods that I can eat is a lot shorter than the list of foods I cannot eat.

~you would know that my favorite movie of all time is Steel Magnolias, hands down without question.

~you would know that I have an addiction to Sweet Tea. I can’t help it. I love it. Especially from Bojangles or Chick-fil-a.

~you would know that I am a reformed people pleaser who has learned the hard way that you can’t make everyone happy without losing sight of yourself.

~you would know that I consider my kids to be the greatest accomplishments in my life and I’m sure one day their therapists will thank me for helping to finance their new vacation homes.

~you would know that I would rather swig beer out of a bottle and watch the football game than sit with the women in the kitchen gossiping about which desperate housewife is diddling with the pool guy.  

~you would know that I hate dresses. Well, I love the idea of dresses. I just don’t like how dresses look on me. I cannot find a style that looks as good on my body as it does on the mannequin. Maybe if I were headless, comprised mainly of plastic, and was shaped like Barbie I would love dresses. I’m not holding my breath.

~you would know that I survive mainly because of coffee. I believe coffee should come in 4 sizes- tall, grande, venti, and IV infusion.

~you would know that my brain to mouth filter does not exist. It just doesn’t. I rarely think before I speak. This affliction is getting worse as I get older. I assume one day I will be that little old lady with the cane who insults everyone who crosses her path. In fact, I’m looking forward to it. Nobody punches little old ladies, right? And if they do…well, I’ll have a cane. 

~you would know that I have a black thumb. There is not a plant in the world that I can’t kill. My mom gave me a cactus because she said they are hard to kill. I killed it. My sister gave me an aloe plant. I killed it. My mother-in-law gave me a bamboo plant. I killed it. At least I keep the kids alive, right? That has to count for something.

~you would know that I have a potty mouth. Sometimes a “sugar” or a “fudge” just doesn’t cut it.  You need to let the real word fly.

~you would know that I would hurdle a chair and scale a kitchen counter to get away from a spider. Even if I’m not in my own home at the time. In my defense, said spider fell off the ceiling and landed directly in front of me. Clearly it was an attack spider and therefore my actions were totally justified.

~you would know that I believe the only thing that makes french fries more delicious is dipping them in a Frosty. 

~you would know that I would rather have 1 amazing friend than 100 superficial ones.

~you would know that I sing along with the music in the car with the windows down no matter who can hear me or how embarrassed my kids get.

~you would know that I have terrible insomnia and I would sleep until noon every day if the law didn’t require my children to go to school every day.

~you would know that I’m a huge book nerd and when I get engrossed in a really great book I cannot sleep until I finish it.

~you would know that Fall is my most favorite season. I love the cool weather, the Pumpkin Spice everything, football season, the pretty colors…I love it all.

~you would know that I’m terrified of heights. I can’t even watch a scene on television or a movie where it shows someone looking over the edge of a high place. I get sick to my stomach.

~you would know that when I was 17 I went on a senior beach trip with my friends and came home with a belly piercing. My parents didn’t find out until I was 19. I’ve repressed the memories of their reactions.

~you would know that the first thing I do whenever I come home is take off my bra and put on comfy pants.

~you would know that I rarely get offended or get my feelings hurt. I have pretty thick skin and choose to not let things bother me.

~you would know that I love to laugh. I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor and it makes me cheer to see that same trait emerging in my kids.

~you would know that I’m terrible at math. Seriously. I’m the worst. I stopped understanding math when the alphabet got involved. I cringe every time one of my kids needs help with math homework.

~you would know that I hate roses and think they’re generic instead of romantic. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and tulips.

~you would know that I could spend hours wandering through Costco by myself. It’s my happy place. They have samples.

~you would know that I absolutely love the beach. If I could, I would live right on the ocean. Nothing is more soothing to my soul than the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. And nothing is more humbling than standing in front of the ocean and seeing how tiny we are in comparison to God’s creation.

~you would know that I was adopted out of foster care as an infant and that was my main motivation in becoming a foster parent.

~you would know that I have a severe aversion to the words moist, probing, and decaffeinated. They make me shudder.

~you would know that I am not afraid to take a stand for something I believe in, even if it means I stand alone.


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