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Matt versus the Mouse


We found a mouse in our garage not too long ago. Matt promptly freaked out. I, on the other hand, only get my panties in a bunch for snakes and spiders. Anything else doesn’t really phase me much. I grew up in the mountains where the critters were abundant. We took care of various baby animals of the opossum, bird, and chipmunk variety all through my youth. We also had the misfortune of dealing with a flying squirrel that got loose in our house as well as a snake that made a home in our basement. Both events have been borderline repressed in my memory and I’d like to keep it that way.

So when Matt gave me the grave news that we had attracted a mouse in the garage, I was not bothered. We set out a humane trap and within a couple of days, we caught a mouse. Easy peasy. Until we saw another one. And then another one. And yet another one. We caught 4 mice in 2 weeks. Before you get all smart and ask me if it was the same mouse because we were catching and releasing, no it was not the same mouse. How do I know? Matt released the mice in a vacant field about 10 miles away from our house so I feel confident when I tell you that we were not being outsmarted by one little mouse.

We thought we had caught all of them. We released the last mouse almost 3 weeks ago and had not seen any signs of another one since then. We were celebrating our victory over the rodent species. Perhaps we should have been less jubilant in our celebration because the mice have risen up again. This time, Matt saw a mouse in our house. He was getting ready for work and happened to glance over towards the dining room where he saw what he thought was a kids stuffed animal. Then it moved. And he screamed. I came running because when one hears her husband screaming like he’s being attacked, one comes running. Of course, the mouse had long since run off so I stared suspiciously at Matt for a few minutes, wondering whether he was suffering from delusions.

He was in a tizzy. Apparently the man does not like mice. He was ready to go all Rambo style on this poor little creature but I was not on board with that kind of carnage so early in the morning. It was decided that we would set some traps at night when we went to bed in an effort to catch and then release this mouse like we did the others. Matt went off to work, calling to check in with me at least 20 times that day. He always asked if I’d seen the mouse to which I answered no each time. He seemed nonplussed by my lack of urgency but truthfully I’m more scared of my children than I am a tiny mouse.

We set the traps out every night for 3 nights with no luck. Matt was beginning to talk about calling an exterminator to the tune of a couple hundred dollars. I had a much simpler plan in mind. When he returned home from work that night he was welcomed by a very large hungry cat that I had borrowed from a neighbor. The cat stared at us with narrowed eyes all evening long until we went to bed to escape. I didn’t know a cat could be so disconcerting but this feline was obviously smarter than your average cat. It was also apparently a lot lazier than your average cat because we found him lounging in exactly the same spot on the couch the next morning as when we’d gone to bed the night before. With a huff of disgust, I shooed him out the door and back to his own life. Matt went off to work with a little superior smile that was screaming ‘I told you so’ without saying a word. He should know better. That little smile just irritates me.

Later that night when he was fast asleep and drooling on his pillow, I brought out my secret weapon. I had raided the kids toy box and found the old Zhu-Zhu pet at the bottom. Sometimes my own ingenuity scares me. I carefully placed the Zhu-Zhu pet on top of his stomach and pressed the button on it’s back that makes it move and squeak. When that failed to wake him up immediately I let out a little shriek and cried “Mouse”. That got him moving in a hurry. His eyes shot open, he lifted his head and saw the Zhu-Zhu pet on his lower abdomen and panicked. He yelled out a very naughty word, brought his fist down like a hammer on the Zhu-Zhu pet and promptly nailed himself in the balls. Now he was cursing, retching, and moaning while holding his balls and trying to scoot away from the “mouse”. I was laughing so hard that I may or may not have fallen sideways off the bed. It was an epic moment in our house.

Matt finally recovered enough to speak and I pretended not to hear the anatomically impossible threats that he lobbied in my direction as he hobbled off to sleep on the couch. I didn’t have the heart to remind him that we still hadn’t caught the real mouse. He obviously had enough on his mind, what with having to ice his balls and everything.

The exterminator comes tomorrow.

Linked up with the most amazing and supportive group of writers anywhere, otherwise known as Yeah Write!  You should check it out and be amazed by the fabulous posts and new friends you’ll make!

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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10860394940190403196 Kelley

    I am really laughing out loud!! The Zhu Zhu pet was such a great idea!! I would’ve been like your husband, though. I hate mice! He’s lucky he doesn’t have a scaredy-cat (or scaredy-mouse?) wife.

    (Thanks for linking this up with us over at #findingthefunny a couple of weeks ago! Sorry I am such a loser and just now stopping by to read it!)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16701902616479991303 THE SARCASM GODDESS

    So freaking funny! There’s nothing funnier than a guy nailing himself in the balls. Especially when he does it himself.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16807400887814224333 Meredith

    Dang Zhu-Zhu pets!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01964732208220415682 Cat

    OK, That officially falls under the category of “Funniest Effing Thing I have Heard All Day. Thank you.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12160183260054280948 Tracy

    Being able to share stories like this make blogging worthwhile, no? So funny. If laughing at you making your husband hit himself in the nuts is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Found you at Finding the Funny.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10548653968066971599 Sparkling

    THat is so hysterical. I can’t believe you did that. I would never sleep again. Retribution sneaks up on you like a bitch! Found you at finding the funny.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02002602426737354816 Makkatt

    That’s freaking awesome! But payback is a you-know-what. Still, it was probably worth it.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11292433099134289229 Guerrilla Mom

    God, do we have to do EVERYTHING? Men are hilarious. Women are braver, for sure.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07175650037862496945 The Writer, Rinser, Repeater

    Your awesomeness deserves hugs. and beer. and more hugs.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      And more beer? Awesome!

  • http://fiftyshadesofpeach.com/ fiftyshadesofpeach.com

    Wicked, wicked sense of humor. Me likey! :)

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I consider myself to be delightfully wicked. Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04295304663766870450 Kerry Ann (aka Vinobaby)

    I’m totally with him. A mouse will make me squeal and run for cover — or high ground. I threatened to buy snakes to release in our yard when I discovered some vermin lurking in the bushes. Funny and fab story.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Haha! I’d rather have the mice than the snakes. The snakes would have me looking for a new house!

  • http://www.5thingsaboutnothingimportant.com/ 5thingsaboutnothingimportant.com

    Oh that was hilarious!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Thank you :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04962587342835841240 Jennifer M.

    Hahaha! Too funny. What you need is a hungry cat. I would bet that cat you borrowed had just eaten not too long ago. Get yourself one and don’t feed it until all the mice are dead. It’s in their nature to hunt, but if they’re full they’ll just want to play with the mice instead.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Stupid lazy fat house cats!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18395598913393994830 @dkotucker

    Baaaahaaaahaaa! Although I must admit I’m a bug-a-phobe; rodent-a-phobe; anything-with-more-than-2-legs-a-phobe so can relate to poor Matt.

    Having said that…you ARE good and my new idol! 😀

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Thank you! Poor Matt. Soon it will be poor ME when he gets his revenge.

  • http://randomreflectionz.com/ randomreflectionz.com

    You are delightfully wicked!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Thank you. Compliments will get you wine.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03464973297373372882 SouthMainMuse

    Oh my gosh. I would have had a heart attack. I was like you and thought – a mouse — no big deal. Until I surprised one crawling across the kitchen floor one night. UGH. That cute rodent immediately became the most disgusting thing ever. A mouse in a field is cute. A mouse in the house needs to be destroyed.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Ok, I would not be so dismissive of them if I happened across one in the middle of the night. That would end in bloodshed. Eek.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03673918843488970934 MamaMash

    You are SO mean. SO MEAN. And lucky to be alive!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I know. I’m scared to see what his revenge is going to be.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00852781200911306348 Cindy

    You are awful! We had mice recently too. My husband is catch and release. I bludgeon.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I try my best :) You barbarian. snort.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16225291652604462660 Kristen

    oh my gosh – that is hilarious! Totally awesome prank!!!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Thank you :) I try.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13214914707096410664 Erin

    Mice are icky—-we had some in our basement at our old house and had to get the exterminator involved. Also? I am sooooo sick of Zhu Zhu pets–I hid ours from my kids and played dumb when they asked if I’d seen them. They drive me bananas!


    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Yeah, I’m not a fan of the Zhu Zhu pets. Although, Matt is even less of a fan now. Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12355421896613106268 Robbie K

    I hate mice! You are mean (and clever!)

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I think mean and clever are synonyms for “wife”. haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11588636263653403475 Shiftless Mommie

    Mice are such a nuisance. That’s why I’m glad my neighborhood is run by a gang of feral cats. This was so funny! Although I can’t imagine how poorly I would sleep if I did that to my husband.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Right now I’m picturing the gang of feral cats strutting down the streets, kicking butts and destroying property. Haha! That might be the wine….

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01039782718270899670 Kathleen

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01039782718270899670 Kathleen

    LOL! Great story — although my husband might disagree (oh, and I’m with you on the spiders and snakes part).

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Yeah. Men don’t seem to see the humor in ball shots.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01250271598245854413 Lacey_Renea

    Oh my word, funniest story ever. I wish I had the balls to do something of that sort to my husband but he would be so pissed lol.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Haha! You said balls. snort. Matt was not happy. And that is a serious understatement. Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09356235788383240980 DearHarrison.com

    Ahahahaha….Do you realize that if you got this on video, AFV would have paid you $100,000? This is the perfect sleeping guy / practical joke / blow-to-the groin trifecta!

    If I may offer a public service announcement to your family:

    Don’t, under any circumstances, watch the Animal Planet show “Infested”. Mice. spiders, and snakes abound (among other equally creepy pests). You will die of heart failure.

    That is all.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Oh my gosh, we watch that show. Which probably explains his phobia of mice and mine of snakes and spiders. haha! Don’t even get me started on roaches. Eek.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11418643116628417745 mannahattamamma.com

    The thing about mice is they just move too damn fast. Freaks me out. I’d scream too. Of course, I do the same for snakes and bats, which used to get trapped in our summer cottage all the time and need to be chased out with tennis raquets and all kinds of drama. I’m laughing at your prank but also agree with the others who have this sense of foreboding…payback, as they say, is a bitch… eek!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Oh I cannot take bats. Thank goodness he is equally as freaked out by bats. Haha! Yeah, I think this will not end well for me.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09272483182710859456 Dude of The House

    I have a feeling you should be on the lookout for strategically placed spiders and snakes. Great prank, though as a Dude the collateral damage sounds painful.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I’m just waiting. And I’m worried those snakes and spiders might actually be alive….eek. Painful is pushing a 7 pound baby out of a very small opening. Heh.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047 robyn

    Oh Lord, the stories you tell about you and Matt make me laugh every time! You are one funny, funny – and very brave – lady. :)

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      There is apparently a fine line between bravery and stupidity. Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05260565778393696918 Tara Pohlkotte

    haha. oh man. i would never live if i did this :)

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I’m a little scared of what his revenge might be….

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07383559514942833370 Jacqueline Bryant Campbell

    I am equally afraid of mice, but I laughed until my face hurt and tears were pooling in the corners of my eyes.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      That is an awesome compliment. Thank you so much!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05310671452947831270 Danielle

    I almost spit out the mouthful of water I had just taken in when I read the word Zhu Zhu… immediately knew what you were thinking. TOO TOO FUNNY! Brilliant really. Thanks for the giggles!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Thank you :) Great minds think alike!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15778610584517345200 doseofreality

    Ha, ha, ha!!! That is awesome and hilarious!!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Thank you :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02865863984001684338 Joe

    Delilah, you’re a lunatic. First you turn your husband into a mouse chauffeur, then you bait him into whacking himself in the gonads. How long did he give you the silent treatment?

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Oh Joe, don’t you know that women actually enjoy the silent treatment? Haha! His revenge is going to be traumatizing, I’m sure of it.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12822777584503746723 lu

    The tears are running down my face from laughing so much!!!!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      That is awesome! Thank you :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15437193620480920753 Michelle Longo

    I thought you were going to try to lure the mouse out with the Zhu Zhu pet and I was thinking this woman is nuts. But your idea was so much better!! My husband would have killed me!!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Yeah. I think his revenge is going to be terrifying.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01390647405858661686 Louise Ducote

    Delilah, you awesome, crazy thing! I admire your nerve; I’m okay with bugs but mice turn me into a screaming girly girl. Great story!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Thank you Louise! I’m the opposite. Mice don’t bother me but bugs bring out the girly screaming. Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08030986993835268409 Wendi Taylor

    Hehe. Makes me feel better about grabbing by the tail & tossing out the door the mouse that was in our bathroom last week, to the dismay of the menfolk of the house.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      You rock! Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18010888083503743747 Your Doctor’s Wife

    Ooooooooo!!! I think you just effed yourself with that one!!! Hehehehe!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I think that might be an understatement. Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15952158423824382303 carrie

    Ahahaha. Only you could make your husband punch himself in the balls! Awesome!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I am quite talented, aren’t I? Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10026292498250130247 Gia

    Hahahahha very nice. But if I were you, I’d be worried about payback….

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I’m living in terror of his payback. I know it’s coming….

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14138108074591321058 Emily

    Oh my gosh laughed so hard! Nice one!!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Thank you :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13398856132778875840 Mandy

    Oh my goodness. I always cheer any tricks on an unsuspecting husband, but if my hubby did this to me, he would be paying for me to spend a week in a hotel until the real mouse was caught lol. I am absolutely terrified of mice, and we live about twenty feet from a cornfield which means we have visitors in the fall. The first one we saw was the day after we closed on our house. I opened the garage and it was in there, and I may or may not have ran into the house, jumped on the couch and screamed “my eyes! my eyes!” over and over again for fifteen minutes because every time I blinked I would see it scurrying through my garage.

    They are little but they are TERRIFYING! I hope the exterminators work for you.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I’m trying really hard not to giggle while picturing that but unfortunately I am failing. Hahahaha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03539112316511997501 Kim @The G is silent

    HILARIOUS!!! My sister and brother-in-law last weekend spray-painted some rice black and placed them on a pillow on the bed in my cousin Tony’s motorhome up at the lake. They weren’t there. They also put some in the freezer to be freaky. They told Tony just to be safe. When Kim saw it on the pillow she totally freaked out. “WE HAVE A MOUSE!!!!! THAT’S MOUSE POOP!!!” Tony leaned over, picked one up and ate it. Heehee. They got to the lake before my sister this weekend. I can’t WAIT to hear about the payback.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      OH MY GAH! You must blog about how this ends. Hahahaha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17897718251146316249 Jessica

    Is he scared of snakes? Because I would totally be on the lookout for a garden snake in a kitchen cupboard. Hell hath no fury like a man who hit himself in the balls trying to fight a toy mouse, am I right?

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I wish he were scared of snakes but nope. Your comment totally made me giggle. It brought back the images of him……hahaha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09045857399816360885 RoryBore

    I think you best be on the lookout for plastic snakes and spiders hidden all over your house. I kinda hope he does something…because in the end (and since I guess he’s on the DL), my money’s on you 😉

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      I wouldn’t put it past him to rustle up a real live snake. In which case, the entire world will hear my screams. Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04008645321533665738 Motherhood on the Rocks

    Yeah I’d totally sleep with one eye open from now on. lol

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      His revenge will be horrifying, I’m sure.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03832214861973170475 Cole

    Bahahaha! Poor Matt! Mice don’t freak me out either. Show me snake, and you’ll have to pry me off the ceiling though!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Same here. Mice don’t bother me. Spiders and snakes on the other hand….eek!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08439152011925297776 Monica

    I laughed and laughed until my husband asked me what was so funny! I told him! He didn’t agree with me about your story being funny! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Men. They just don’t get humor. Haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17892924619560880572 Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman)

    Oh, poor Matt! (And that’s not sarcasm.)

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Haha! Poor Matt indeed.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08758620131205853298 Sooner Laura

    Wow! Can you sleep with one eye open? I’d be concerned about payback on this one.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04968250671087385396 Delilah Love

      Yeah. I have a feeling there is going to be some seriously traumatizing payback in my future.