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Matt versus the Mouse


We found a mouse in our garage not too long ago. Matt promptly freaked out. I, on the other hand, only get my panties in a bunch for snakes and spiders. Anything else doesn’t really phase me much. I grew up in the mountains where the critters were abundant. We took care of various baby animals of the opossum, bird, and chipmunk variety all through my youth. We also had the misfortune of dealing with a flying squirrel that got loose in our house as well as a snake that made a home in our basement. Both events have been borderline repressed in my memory and I’d like to keep it that way.

So when Matt gave me the grave news that we had attracted a mouse in the garage, I was not bothered. We set out a humane trap and within a couple of days, we caught a mouse. Easy peasy. Until we saw another one. And then another one. And yet another one. We caught 4 mice in 2 weeks. Before you get all smart and ask me if it was the same mouse because we were catching and releasing, no it was not the same mouse. How do I know? Matt released the mice in a vacant field about 10 miles away from our house so I feel confident when I tell you that we were not being outsmarted by one little mouse.

We thought we had caught all of them. We released the last mouse almost 3 weeks ago and had not seen any signs of another one since then. We were celebrating our victory over the rodent species. Perhaps we should have been less jubilant in our celebration because the mice have risen up again. This time, Matt saw a mouse in our house. He was getting ready for work and happened to glance over towards the dining room where he saw what he thought was a kids stuffed animal. Then it moved. And he screamed. I came running because when one hears her husband screaming like he’s being attacked, one comes running. Of course, the mouse had long since run off so I stared suspiciously at Matt for a few minutes, wondering whether he was suffering from delusions.

He was in a tizzy. Apparently the man does not like mice. He was ready to go all Rambo style on this poor little creature but I was not on board with that kind of carnage so early in the morning. It was decided that we would set some traps at night when we went to bed in an effort to catch and then release this mouse like we did the others. Matt went off to work, calling to check in with me at least 20 times that day. He always asked if I’d seen the mouse to which I answered no each time. He seemed nonplussed by my lack of urgency but truthfully I’m more scared of my children than I am a tiny mouse.

We set the traps out every night for 3 nights with no luck. Matt was beginning to talk about calling an exterminator to the tune of a couple hundred dollars. I had a much simpler plan in mind. When he returned home from work that night he was welcomed by a very large hungry cat that I had borrowed from a neighbor. The cat stared at us with narrowed eyes all evening long until we went to bed to escape. I didn’t know a cat could be so disconcerting but this feline was obviously smarter than your average cat. It was also apparently a lot lazier than your average cat because we found him lounging in exactly the same spot on the couch the next morning as when we’d gone to bed the night before. With a huff of disgust, I shooed him out the door and back to his own life. Matt went off to work with a little superior smile that was screaming ‘I told you so’ without saying a word. He should know better. That little smile just irritates me.

Later that night when he was fast asleep and drooling on his pillow, I brought out my secret weapon. I had raided the kids toy box and found the old Zhu-Zhu pet at the bottom. Sometimes my own ingenuity scares me. I carefully placed the Zhu-Zhu pet on top of his stomach and pressed the button on it’s back that makes it move and squeak. When that failed to wake him up immediately I let out a little shriek and cried “Mouse”. That got him moving in a hurry. His eyes shot open, he lifted his head and saw the Zhu-Zhu pet on his lower abdomen and panicked. He yelled out a very naughty word, brought his fist down like a hammer on the Zhu-Zhu pet and promptly nailed himself in the balls. Now he was cursing, retching, and moaning while holding his balls and trying to scoot away from the “mouse”. I was laughing so hard that I may or may not have fallen sideways off the bed. It was an epic moment in our house.

Matt finally recovered enough to speak and I pretended not to hear the anatomically impossible threats that he lobbied in my direction as he hobbled off to sleep on the couch. I didn’t have the heart to remind him that we still hadn’t caught the real mouse. He obviously had enough on his mind, what with having to ice his balls and everything.

The exterminator comes tomorrow.

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  • I am really laughing out loud!! The Zhu Zhu pet was such a great idea!! I would’ve been like your husband, though. I hate mice! He’s lucky he doesn’t have a scaredy-cat (or scaredy-mouse?) wife.

    (Thanks for linking this up with us over at #findingthefunny a couple of weeks ago! Sorry I am such a loser and just now stopping by to read it!)

  • So freaking funny! There’s nothing funnier than a guy nailing himself in the balls. Especially when he does it himself.

  • Dang Zhu-Zhu pets!

  • Cat

    OK, That officially falls under the category of “Funniest Effing Thing I have Heard All Day. Thank you.

  • Being able to share stories like this make blogging worthwhile, no? So funny. If laughing at you making your husband hit himself in the nuts is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Found you at Finding the Funny.

  • THat is so hysterical. I can’t believe you did that. I would never sleep again. Retribution sneaks up on you like a bitch! Found you at finding the funny.

  • That’s freaking awesome! But payback is a you-know-what. Still, it was probably worth it.

  • God, do we have to do EVERYTHING? Men are hilarious. Women are braver, for sure.

  • Your awesomeness deserves hugs. and beer. and more hugs.

  • Wicked, wicked sense of humor. Me likey! 🙂

    • I consider myself to be delightfully wicked. Haha!

  • I’m totally with him. A mouse will make me squeal and run for cover — or high ground. I threatened to buy snakes to release in our yard when I discovered some vermin lurking in the bushes. Funny and fab story.

    • Haha! I’d rather have the mice than the snakes. The snakes would have me looking for a new house!

  • Oh that was hilarious!

  • Hahaha! Too funny. What you need is a hungry cat. I would bet that cat you borrowed had just eaten not too long ago. Get yourself one and don’t feed it until all the mice are dead. It’s in their nature to hunt, but if they’re full they’ll just want to play with the mice instead.

  • Baaaahaaaahaaa! Although I must admit I’m a bug-a-phobe; rodent-a-phobe; anything-with-more-than-2-legs-a-phobe so can relate to poor Matt.

    Having said that…you ARE good and my new idol! 😀

    • Thank you! Poor Matt. Soon it will be poor ME when he gets his revenge.

  • You are delightfully wicked!

  • Oh my gosh. I would have had a heart attack. I was like you and thought – a mouse — no big deal. Until I surprised one crawling across the kitchen floor one night. UGH. That cute rodent immediately became the most disgusting thing ever. A mouse in a field is cute. A mouse in the house needs to be destroyed.

    • Ok, I would not be so dismissive of them if I happened across one in the middle of the night. That would end in bloodshed. Eek.

  • You are SO mean. SO MEAN. And lucky to be alive!

    • I know. I’m scared to see what his revenge is going to be.

  • You are awful! We had mice recently too. My husband is catch and release. I bludgeon.

  • oh my gosh – that is hilarious! Totally awesome prank!!!

  • Mice are icky—-we had some in our basement at our old house and had to get the exterminator involved. Also? I am sooooo sick of Zhu Zhu pets–I hid ours from my kids and played dumb when they asked if I’d seen them. They drive me bananas!


    • Yeah, I’m not a fan of the Zhu Zhu pets. Although, Matt is even less of a fan now. Haha!

  • I hate mice! You are mean (and clever!)

    • I think mean and clever are synonyms for “wife”. haha!

  • Mice are such a nuisance. That’s why I’m glad my neighborhood is run by a gang of feral cats. This was so funny! Although I can’t imagine how poorly I would sleep if I did that to my husband.

    • Right now I’m picturing the gang of feral cats strutting down the streets, kicking butts and destroying property. Haha! That might be the wine….

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  • LOL! Great story — although my husband might disagree (oh, and I’m with you on the spiders and snakes part).

    • Yeah. Men don’t seem to see the humor in ball shots.

  • Oh my word, funniest story ever. I wish I had the balls to do something of that sort to my husband but he would be so pissed lol.

    • Haha! You said balls. snort. Matt was not happy. And that is a serious understatement. Haha!

  • Ahahahaha….Do you realize that if you got this on video, AFV would have paid you $100,000? This is the perfect sleeping guy / practical joke / blow-to-the groin trifecta!

    If I may offer a public service announcement to your family:

    Don’t, under any circumstances, watch the Animal Planet show “Infested”. Mice. spiders, and snakes abound (among other equally creepy pests). You will die of heart failure.

    That is all.

    • Oh my gosh, we watch that show. Which probably explains his phobia of mice and mine of snakes and spiders. haha! Don’t even get me started on roaches. Eek.

  • The thing about mice is they just move too damn fast. Freaks me out. I’d scream too. Of course, I do the same for snakes and bats, which used to get trapped in our summer cottage all the time and need to be chased out with tennis raquets and all kinds of drama. I’m laughing at your prank but also agree with the others who have this sense of foreboding…payback, as they say, is a bitch… eek!

    • Oh I cannot take bats. Thank goodness he is equally as freaked out by bats. Haha! Yeah, I think this will not end well for me.

  • I have a feeling you should be on the lookout for strategically placed spiders and snakes. Great prank, though as a Dude the collateral damage sounds painful.

    • I’m just waiting. And I’m worried those snakes and spiders might actually be alive….eek. Painful is pushing a 7 pound baby out of a very small opening. Heh.

  • Oh Lord, the stories you tell about you and Matt make me laugh every time! You are one funny, funny – and very brave – lady. 🙂

    • There is apparently a fine line between bravery and stupidity. Haha!

  • haha. oh man. i would never live if i did this 🙂

    • I’m a little scared of what his revenge might be….

  • I am equally afraid of mice, but I laughed until my face hurt and tears were pooling in the corners of my eyes.

    • That is an awesome compliment. Thank you so much!

  • I almost spit out the mouthful of water I had just taken in when I read the word Zhu Zhu… immediately knew what you were thinking. TOO TOO FUNNY! Brilliant really. Thanks for the giggles!

  • Ha, ha, ha!!! That is awesome and hilarious!!

  • Joe

    Delilah, you’re a lunatic. First you turn your husband into a mouse chauffeur, then you bait him into whacking himself in the gonads. How long did he give you the silent treatment?

    • Oh Joe, don’t you know that women actually enjoy the silent treatment? Haha! His revenge is going to be traumatizing, I’m sure of it.

  • lu

    The tears are running down my face from laughing so much!!!!

  • I thought you were going to try to lure the mouse out with the Zhu Zhu pet and I was thinking this woman is nuts. But your idea was so much better!! My husband would have killed me!!

    • Yeah. I think his revenge is going to be terrifying.

  • Delilah, you awesome, crazy thing! I admire your nerve; I’m okay with bugs but mice turn me into a screaming girly girl. Great story!

    • Thank you Louise! I’m the opposite. Mice don’t bother me but bugs bring out the girly screaming. Haha!

  • Hehe. Makes me feel better about grabbing by the tail & tossing out the door the mouse that was in our bathroom last week, to the dismay of the menfolk of the house.

  • Ooooooooo!!! I think you just effed yourself with that one!!! Hehehehe!

    • I think that might be an understatement. Haha!

  • Ahahaha. Only you could make your husband punch himself in the balls! Awesome!

  • Gia

    Hahahahha very nice. But if I were you, I’d be worried about payback….

    • I’m living in terror of his payback. I know it’s coming….

  • Oh my gosh laughed so hard! Nice one!!

  • Oh my goodness. I always cheer any tricks on an unsuspecting husband, but if my hubby did this to me, he would be paying for me to spend a week in a hotel until the real mouse was caught lol. I am absolutely terrified of mice, and we live about twenty feet from a cornfield which means we have visitors in the fall. The first one we saw was the day after we closed on our house. I opened the garage and it was in there, and I may or may not have ran into the house, jumped on the couch and screamed “my eyes! my eyes!” over and over again for fifteen minutes because every time I blinked I would see it scurrying through my garage.

    They are little but they are TERRIFYING! I hope the exterminators work for you.

    • I’m trying really hard not to giggle while picturing that but unfortunately I am failing. Hahahaha!

  • HILARIOUS!!! My sister and brother-in-law last weekend spray-painted some rice black and placed them on a pillow on the bed in my cousin Tony’s motorhome up at the lake. They weren’t there. They also put some in the freezer to be freaky. They told Tony just to be safe. When Kim saw it on the pillow she totally freaked out. “WE HAVE A MOUSE!!!!! THAT’S MOUSE POOP!!!” Tony leaned over, picked one up and ate it. Heehee. They got to the lake before my sister this weekend. I can’t WAIT to hear about the payback.

    • OH MY GAH! You must blog about how this ends. Hahahaha!

  • Is he scared of snakes? Because I would totally be on the lookout for a garden snake in a kitchen cupboard. Hell hath no fury like a man who hit himself in the balls trying to fight a toy mouse, am I right?

    • I wish he were scared of snakes but nope. Your comment totally made me giggle. It brought back the images of him……hahaha!

  • I think you best be on the lookout for plastic snakes and spiders hidden all over your house. I kinda hope he does something…because in the end (and since I guess he’s on the DL), my money’s on you 😉

    • I wouldn’t put it past him to rustle up a real live snake. In which case, the entire world will hear my screams. Haha!

  • Yeah I’d totally sleep with one eye open from now on. lol

  • Bahahaha! Poor Matt! Mice don’t freak me out either. Show me snake, and you’ll have to pry me off the ceiling though!

    • Same here. Mice don’t bother me. Spiders and snakes on the other hand….eek!

  • I laughed and laughed until my husband asked me what was so funny! I told him! He didn’t agree with me about your story being funny! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

  • Oh, poor Matt! (And that’s not sarcasm.)

  • Wow! Can you sleep with one eye open? I’d be concerned about payback on this one.

    • Yeah. I have a feeling there is going to be some seriously traumatizing payback in my future.