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You Can Learn A Lot From Your Neighbor’s Yard Sale

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The neighbors down the street from us had a yard sale this past weekend. It was an overcast day, barely warm with a little breeze. In other words, the perfect day for a yard sale. I wandered down with another neighbor, Chelley, to see what they were trying to get rid of at ridiculously high prices. It should be noted that we don’t know these people very well. We don’t venture down that end of the street often and Matt thinks they might be hermits or possibly vampires. Seriously, we rarely ever see them out in the light of day.

When we walked up into the driveway we noticed immediately that the prices were outrageous. Who pay $15 for a pair of used shoes at a yard sale? The yard was empty of other thrifty yard-salers, which I assumed was because the prices were too high. Then I caught sight of a few of the other things they were selling and began to question if I was in the twilight zone. I don’t know about you but I don’t keep any of the following items in my house.

1. Voo-Doo Dolls. Not the cute little toy ones either. I’m talking about the weird, spooky ones that you expect to see in a Black Magic store down in the Bayou of Louisiana. To make them even more questionable, they had pins sticking out of them. Chelley pointed out that one of them looked a little like me. I immediately began scanning my brain for anything I may have done to warrant a pin stuck in what appeared to be the lady garden.

2. A box of Headless Barbie’s. There must have been at least 50 different Barbie’s in that box and none of them had heads. Also, none of them had clothes. They were naked, headless barbies. I was disturbed.

3. Wigs. I counted 28 wigs in different styles, shades and lengths. As far as I know, both the adults living in this house have their own hair. I’m stumped as to why someone would need this many wigs. Chelley suggested the witness protection program. I’m leaning towards contract killers.

4. A collection of used (and gross) retainers. Yes, the kind that go in your mouth. They were all lined up on display on a table with a sign proclaiming you could “Buy 3 and Get 1 Free”. Really? Are used retainers a hot seller these days? And where did they come from?

5. A large box of condoms. By large box, I mean it was big enough that I could fit my microwave inside it, or maybe a couple of my kids if I folded them up. It was a large box full to the brim with packs of unopened condoms in every possible variety you can imagine. The sign indicated the condoms were 10 for $1, which is a heck of a good deal. While I was standing there staring at the box with mild confusion, a family walked up the driveway and the little kid made a bee-line for the box of condoms. The red-faced mom had to drag that kid back to the car while he screamed that he wanted “one of those suckers”. I may have snorted.

6. A Full Size Stuffed Saint Bernard. I thought it was a stuffed animal. I was wrong. Chelley asked where they found it because she has a Great Dane and would be interested in buying a life size stuffed one for her kids. The homeowner informed us that the large stuffed dog was their actual Saint Bernard, Roofus, that had died a few years prior. They took him to a taxidermist and had him stuffed and preserved. Now they were selling him for a mere $200 at their yard sale.

That was the last straw. I had seen enough. We backed down the driveway slowly, not taking our eyes off the Saint Bernard just in case it came back to life and started to chase us down the street.

You learn a lot from these neighborhood yard sales. You really don’t know your neighbors until you find yourself picking through their discarded belongings. This week I learned to stay away from the neighbor’s down the street.

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  • elspeth

    I’ve got one of your answers. I have worn wigs for years, but I don’t know what to do with them when I replaced the old one with a new one. In my closet are probably 20 to 30 wigs. Sometimes, I think I’ll just give them to the local ministry that provides to needy families: clothes, backpacks filled with school supplies, and a gift at Christmas. If I had a yard sale (too much work), people would wonder about me, too.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18065409375913634202 Adrienne

    Shut the front door! WTH??? Wigs? condoms? For real???

  • http://aplaceofgreatersafety.wordpress.com/ aplaceofgreatersafety

    Love this. I’m pretty glad I don’t live in your neighborhood. I’d be too tempted to peek in these people’s windows. And probably get murdered.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05260565778393696918 Tara Pohlkotte

    oh my goodness. equal parts amazing and horrifying.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01150795794366179959 Michelle

    Hilarious! The huge box of condoms and the stuffed dog. Weirdos!! Keep your doors locked!!!

  • http://30somethingdad.wordpress.com/ 30somethingdad

    Wow…those are interesting neighbors indeed.

    Though with the voodoo dolls in your likeness, it may be better to befriend them than to keep away. For your own protection.

    And, you know, in case you need to hex anyone.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12355421896613106268 Robbie K

    it’s no wonder you don’t venture to their end of the street…they are bat shit crazy.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13214914707096410664 Erin

    this is a joke, right? the voodoo dolls i can understand (being a native of New Orleans), but the retainers and condoms? WTH?? eeeeewwwww! you just never know what happens behind closed doors—and sometimes it’s better that way!

  • http://fiftyshadesofpeach.com/ fiftyshadesofpeach.com

    ….you just cannot make this kind of s*** up. Wow.

  • http://justbeginfromhere.com/ justbeginfromhere.com

    OH. EM. GEE. I am totally wigged out right now, and that was not even an intentional pun!

  • http://momfog.com/ momfog.com

    Wow. I really don’t know what else to say. Just wow.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12069299966003506030 Lady Goo Goo Gaga

    Ok, I don’t believe you….there’s no way….condoms????!!!!!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09272483182710859456 Dude of The House

    My kid would have totally been the one who wanted “one of those suckers”.

    Seriously, you must find out who these people are. Google their address and see what you find. Uh, not that I’ve ever done that before.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00852781200911306348 Cindy

    OMG headless dolls and taxidermied dogs? The Bloggess would have LOVED this yard sale.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15778610584517345200 doseofreality

    Seriously, the condoms would have thrown me straight over the edge. WHAT? Don’t they know kids come to these things??

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02886089228538677690 Travis Sloat

    I can’t tell you how disappointed I am that you didn’t buy that St. Bernard. I would have given you at LEAST $250 for it, plus shipping. It’s unfortunate that we didn’t know one another until now.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07200936787006653961 Treading Water in the Kiddie Pool

    You HAVE to be kidding! They really sold that stuff in their yard sale (or tried to)?! And they loved the dog enough to stuff him (which I’m sure was massively expensive considering it’s a St. Bernard) but not enough to keep him?!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09022540233075643448 Dawn Beronilla

    Haha, oh wow this was odd!
    We are planning a yard sale this weekend, so I will keep this in mind and sell my “good” stuff on ebay or Craigslist like all the other weirdos.

  • http://outlawmama.com/ outlawmama.com

    OOooh, weird and gross and scary. Time to move!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11448903770675794832 Pish Posh

    Also meth heads are the kind of people who would sell their dog, ask $15 for shoes, etc because they’re totally out of touch with reality and they need money now.

    Stay away. Seriously.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11448903770675794832 Pish Posh

    Meth heads.

    Are they pale, skinny, and you hardly ever see them?

    Meth heads.

    Methheads collect random and weird things and think they are treasures. I’m almost certain one of these idiots works at and/or steals from medical supplies, which is what meth heads do, and how you get condoms in bulk, many retainers, etc. Even the wigs are probably from some cancer wing. Meth heads are sometimes into bizarre magical shit like Tarot and Voodoo.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11222652185240780006 IASoupMama

    You lock your doors at night, right?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06094342218687381060 Katherine Kramer

    I worked at a thrift store for awhile and I came away with the same feeling. There are two types of thrift store donation types: the serious ones and the ones who think Goodwill is their personal garbage can. I saw some weird and disgusting things working in the back. (Yes, they ended up in the trash because we couldn’t sell them.)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15822035989445627760 Laurel

    Weird, weird, weird…

  • http://stripeyhorse.wordpress.com/ stripeyhorse

    Haha! that is totally awesome. in a ‘i’m super glad i don’t live near them’ kind of way…..

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02865863984001684338 Joe

    You know what you call people who use old condoms – parents.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14250738745005286723 Lisa Nolan

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15952158423824382303 carrie

    Holy good God! You live next to a couple of nutjobs…Wow..creepy. I guess their dog wasn’t as beloved to them as they claimed…i cant believe they were trying to sell the carcass of their dead dog…W T H.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18010888083503743747 Your Doctor’s Wife

    I had those same naked, headless Barbies. My brother loved to break any and every toy I ever loved. He was a gem back then.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10026292498250130247 Gia

    Hahaha bizarre. That is a great condom deal though. Maybe they were expired?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07523297818154408944 Anna at www.mylifeandkids.com

    Hilarious! And gross. :)

    You were one of the most clicked links at last week’s Finding the Funny. Featuring you tomorrow and pinning this.

  • DelilahLove

    Oh yes, totally true. I was so creeped out. I see why nobody ever goes near their house now. Apparently I didn’t get the neighborhood memo! I’m still bewildered by where all the retainers came from. I really don’t want to know what’s in their basement. *shudder*

  • Kelley

    Is this really true??? That is the weirdest thing ever. The retainer, the dead dog, the condoms, the voodoo dolls… Too bad they weren’t selling their house & moving far away! Weird…

    Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny this week!

  • DelilahLove

    I wish I was making this up because now I’m scared of these people! If those are the items they sell at their yard sale I cannot imagine what is still inside their house! Eek.

  • http://www.onceuponamiracle.com/ Rachel

    Oh My Lord – I am so grossed out!  I would have thought you made this up, but dang you’re good if you made this up.  I cannot even imagine taxidermying (sp?) my pet, then SELLING IT AT A GARAGE SALE.  Just ICK!  And the retainers… disgusting.  Excuse me, I need to go get some mind bleach…

  • DelilahLove

    I know. I’m scared of them now. They have a basement. Or is it a torture chamber? Eek.

  • http://profiles.google.com/rainevollor Raine Vollor

    omg. they sound crazy! i would consider moving ;)

  • DelilahLove

    I’m terrified to even go near them now. I mean, who knows what they are hiding in the basement! Haha!

  • http://www.letmestartbysayingblog.com/ Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    Please, PLEASE make friends with these people and tell us what they are like.
    Please??
    Came from Finding the Funny, and this was awesome.

  • DelilahLove

    I know, right?! Retainers? I don’t even know what to think about that. I definitely don’t want to know where they got them from. Blegh.

  • DelilahLove

    I really really wish I could say this was a joke. But it’s not. And it’s disturbing. Very very disturbing.

  • DelilahLove

    I’d be too scared of what else they might be hiding. If those things are their “normal” household items then what the heck do they have in the basement? Eek.

  • DelilahLove

    I know, right?! I wanted to ask “in whose house?” but I was afraid to ask anything. Haha!

  • http://allthingsyummyforfoodies.blogspot.com/ Allthingsyummyforfoodies

    Oh so so creepy

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1354001875 Nadine Soldavini Hastings

    Headless Barbie’s and Voodoo Dolls are “hoursehold goods”?  Wow…

  • DelilahLove

    Haha! It makes me wonder if that stuff is the normal stuff and what they might be hiding in their basement. Terrifying. All their ad said was “household goods” which really makes me question what is going on in that house!

  • DelilahLove

    I know, right?! They can’t be normal. They have a basement. I’m a little scared of what they might use it for….

  • Soonerlaura

    If you had this odd assortment of stuff in your house would you put it out in the driveway for the neighbors to see?  Makes me wonder a lot of things.  I would like to see their advertisement for the sale.  The world is full of unique people, makes me think I’m not as weird as I previously thought.

  • packsanders

    Uh…  I’d be worried, too!  And tell the kids to stay far away!

  • DelilahLove

    The Dahmer Family perhaps? I’m scared of them now.

  • Emily Janz

    WOW.  That is so creepy! Who sells that kind of stuff?

  • DelilahLove

    The scary part? They have kids. I’m assuming their children are not right. We rarely see them out of the house. I think I know why. *shudder*

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1354001875 Nadine Soldavini Hastings

    OH.MY.GOSH!  Something is seriously wrong with those people.  One must wonder how these two found each other…let’s hope they don’t pro-create.  *SHUDDERS AT THE THOUGHT*

  • DelilahLove

    It was creepy. Beyond creepy. I’m scared to know what they have left in the house that they didn’t sell!

  • DelilahLove

    I can’t imagine what they have on the inside….I hope I never have to find out.

  • DelilahLove

    Haha! Yeah. Not much else to say about it.

  • Andrea SunnyDays

    Oh my….

    I don’t normally leave a two word comment, but that sorta seems to sum it all up.

    OH. MY.

  • robs663

    Wow. Having your dog stuffed… er OK – just. But then selling it???
    Words fail me.

  • TheWolfette

    arghhh it was not a yard sale .. but the little chamber of horrors…