The neighbors down the street from us had a yard sale this past weekend. It was an overcast day, barely warm with a little breeze. In other words, the perfect day for a yard sale. I wandered down with another neighbor, Chelley, to see what they were trying to get rid of at ridiculously high prices. It should be noted that we don’t know these people very well. We don’t venture down that end of the street often and Matt thinks they might be hermits or possibly vampires. Seriously, we rarely ever see them out in the light of day.
When we walked up into the driveway we noticed immediately that the prices were outrageous. Who pay $15 for a pair of used shoes at a yard sale? The yard was empty of other thrifty yard-salers, which I assumed was because the prices were too high. Then I caught sight of a few of the other things they were selling and began to question if I was in the twilight zone. I don’t know about you but I don’t keep any of the following items in my house.
1. Voo-Doo Dolls. Not the cute little toy ones either. I’m talking about the weird, spooky ones that you expect to see in a Black Magic store down in the Bayou of Louisiana. To make them even more questionable, they had pins sticking out of them. Chelley pointed out that one of them looked a little like me. I immediately began scanning my brain for anything I may have done to warrant a pin stuck in what appeared to be the lady garden.
2. A box of Headless Barbie’s. There must have been at least 50 different Barbie’s in that box and none of them had heads. Also, none of them had clothes. They were naked, headless barbies. I was disturbed.
3. Wigs. I counted 28 wigs in different styles, shades and lengths. As far as I know, both the adults living in this house have their own hair. I’m stumped as to why someone would need this many wigs. Chelley suggested the witness protection program. I’m leaning towards contract killers.
4. A collection of used (and gross) retainers. Yes, the kind that go in your mouth. They were all lined up on display on a table with a sign proclaiming you could “Buy 3 and Get 1 Free”. Really? Are used retainers a hot seller these days? And where did they come from?
5. A large box of condoms. By large box, I mean it was big enough that I could fit my microwave inside it, or maybe a couple of my kids if I folded them up. It was a large box full to the brim with packs of unopened condoms in every possible variety you can imagine. The sign indicated the condoms were 10 for $1, which is a heck of a good deal. While I was standing there staring at the box with mild confusion, a family walked up the driveway and the little kid made a bee-line for the box of condoms. The red-faced mom had to drag that kid back to the car while he screamed that he wanted “one of those suckers”. I may have snorted.
6. A Full Size Stuffed Saint Bernard. I thought it was a stuffed animal. I was wrong. Chelley asked where they found it because she has a Great Dane and would be interested in buying a life size stuffed one for her kids. The homeowner informed us that the large stuffed dog was their actual Saint Bernard, Roofus, that had died a few years prior. They took him to a taxidermist and had him stuffed and preserved. Now they were selling him for a mere $200 at their yard sale.
That was the last straw. I had seen enough. We backed down the driveway slowly, not taking our eyes off the Saint Bernard just in case it came back to life and started to chase us down the street.
You learn a lot from these neighborhood yard sales. You really don’t know your neighbors until you find yourself picking through their discarded belongings. This week I learned to stay away from the neighbor’s down the street.