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Watch Out for Lightning Strikes Near Me

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I tell lies. I am a liar. Oh yes, I am. I admit and embrace my inner liar and I will shout it from the rooftops. Well…maybe not from the rooftops or all the people I lie to will know I’m lying to them. So I’ll just admit it here and hope none of those people read this blog.

Let’s examine a few of my most commonly told lies, shall we?

10 of My Most Common Lies

1. “I’m sorry but?the Mrs of the house isn’t home. I’m just the babysitter.”? Oh yes, I pull this one out of my hat every time I get one of those door to door solicitors ringing my doorbell. I feel no shame for this one. Unfortunately I’ve been outed a few times by the 4 year old who likes to pipe up with “You’re my mommy.” Whoopsy. Who taught this kid how to talk anyway?

2. “I’m sorry but we are already under contract with another company.”? This is my go-to lie for the Satellite Company?Ninjas that stalk me at The Wal*Mart and the Cable Man who likes to walk up to us at the neighborhood playground. I also rely on this one for the Security Salesman who tries to lure me to their home security company and the annoying guy who won’t shut up about how his company provides superior phone service.

3. “I got it on sale.” This one is mostly used on Matt to avoid the top of his head exploding when I don’t manage to beat him home in order to hide the shopping bags. Which ties right into Number Four.

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4. “Oh this, no it’s not new. I’ve had it forever.” Technically this one isn’t a lie because over the years I’ve developed the habit of buying something new, hanging it in the closet and leaving it there unworn for a couple of weeks. Then when he asks if it’s new I can tell him no, cause technically it’s not new. Gotta use your smarts!

5. “Of course it’s homemade.” Yeah. I use this one too. Mostly for PTA bake sales but also for those times when I need to take a meal to someone that I don’t really know very well and I’m in?a time crunch. I think?removing?food?from the takeout container and arranging it in a nice dish counts as homemade, right?

6. “I’d love to help out but I just don’t have a babysitter right now.” I’m pretty sure this is the one that gets the most mileage in my house. I use it for a lot of things- from PTA volunteering to Neighborhood Watch. Most of the people asking for something have met my youngest 2 kids so they understand my reluctance to bring the little terrors to any functions where there might be other people.

7. “Just one more cookie and I’ll put the box away.” This one is just a big ole fat LIE because there is no way I’m putting away that box of cookies until the very last crumb has been licked out of the bottom and I am full of shame.

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8. “Of course your new haircut looks fantastic.” Why do people put you in this position? If I’m not commenting on your new haircut it’s because I am employing the old advice of “if you have nothing good to say then say nothing” technique. Don’t push me to have to lie to you because I’d hate to make you cry by telling you that your new short hairstyle is less “pixie cute” and more “pre-pubescent boy”.

9. “Your _____(insert event here) sounds like fun but unfortunately we have other plans.” I can’t very well tell someone that I’d rather remove my own gallbladder with a spoon than attend their angst-y poetry reading. I have nothing against poetry but the coffee house full of depressed people wearing black is not my scene.

10. “It’s no problem at all that you dropped by unannounced. Come on in.” I live in The South where it is socially acceptable to just drop in to someones house unannounced. I abhor this tradition with every cell in my body. My house is never in “drop on by” condition. I require at least 2 hours advanced notice in order to throw everything into the storage closet, spray air freshener everywhere and anything else that makes it look like my family does not engage in sloth-like behavior nor do we belong on an episode of Hoarders.

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So I am a liar. Don’t stand too close to me lest the lightning bolt strike you down by mistake.

As I finish typing this, a huge clap of thunder rattled my house and I swear I saw a bolt of lightning flash across the sky. I knew this post would come back to haunt me.

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  • I totally agree about the haircut thing. Why do people ask you “Do you like my (insert whatever they are shamelessly seeking compliments for here)?” Obviously, I’m going to say yes.

  • I got caught out lying to some cold call credit card company over the phone, they asked if Mrs Tucker was their (My mum)(I am 17), she actually wasn’t at home at the time so i said no, the guy said, when will she be back, i said, probably in a about an hour, he said, ok, can you take a message and give it to her for me, i said yeah sure, he said, have you got a pen.? I said, errrr, yeah. (I didn’t) He said, ok, this is the reference number (xxxxxxx) and this is the phone number (xxxxxx), i said…right..ok…, he said, now can you repeat that back to me please, i said……errrrmmmmmmmmmmm…*Hangs up phone*
    Sneaky lil devil caught me out, he was from capital one credit card company, randomly trying to get my mum to get a credit card.
    I actually felt kinda bad because i had to hand up on him, but oh well. haha

  • DelilahLove

    I agree, especially about the house cleaner!

  • Thefamilypracticeblog

    #10 is a lie I find myself telling all the time. I need one of those doormats. And a house cleaner.

  • I enjoy yelling at pushy salesmen so I rarely lie to them. If I give them a definitive answer and they keep trying to make the sale, GAME’S ON!!

  • I usually say, “Let me pray about it” when I am asked to do something. Nobody can argue with God.

    joy~
    Vicky @ sleeping in an unmade bed

  • So funny. I hear admitting it is half the battle. Do you feel lighter? You’ve inspired me to dig deep and think about those half-truths….ok….lies that get me by.

  • I have done #1 many times. Just hoping my 3 year old doesn’t yell out MOMMY!

  • Lol, well as far as being under contract – the people who call us offer to PAY the fee for breaking the contract! Also, LOVE ur idea of homemade – its funny lol. The “prepubescent” made me laugh out loud for real.

  • CJ

    Um, guilty….on almost every one of those! I like to think of it as sanity preservation!

  • 1. You must be nicer than me. I like to ignore them and pretend we aren’t home… even when the front door is open and they see me through the storm door and my daughter is yelling, “someone’s at the door mom!” Once I even walked over and shut the door in their face. Yea, I’m that mean.
    2. Again, I have no problem being mean. “We are not interested and never will be.”
    3. and 4. Oh yes, I am completely guilty of both of these.
    5. I always tell me daughter when she asks if it is homemade, “yes it is home made. I cooked this at home, didn’t I?” (who cares if it came out of a box!)
    6. I don’t feel guilty for never volunteering for anything. I work full-time and have a family to take care of. I have no free time to volunteer!
    7. I don’t even buy cookies… I have no self control.
    8. I hate pixie haircuts… but yes, you always have to lie in this circumstance!
    9. This is where I use the line, “oh sorry, we can’t get a baby sitter.”
    10. I think I would have to shush everyone and hide, pretend we aren’t home and they will go away!
    My favorite lie is using the baby to get off the phone. Sorry the baby is crying, got to go. I’ve even once put the baby down, knowing he would cry, just to use this excuse!

  • Okay…number 3 is really good. I’ll have to remember that one. And I am really bad about the “we have other plans” one. But I can think of anything that I had sort of planned. Funny list — and true for most of us.

  • I am suddenly not feeling so bad about my lies! I think I have told all of yours too! When I was married, #3 & 4 all the time!

  • As for #9, I hesitate to give this away, but I just say something a learned from a man I once dated. “That just doesn’t work for me.” This covers a myriad of reasons why you can’t attend a function or do something–perhaps the day is full, it’s too late for your kids to be up, or you just plain ol’ don’t want to.

    For some reason, women feel like we have to give a reason when we just don’t want to do something. Worse, we feel like we deserve a reason when we ask people to do something and they can’t.

    Let’s allow each other to bow out gracefully.

    Now for #7? That would be why we don’t bring cookies into the house. I’m mad at a friend of mine who gave my husband 105 Twizzlers for his birthday. They’re wrapped individually, but that matters not. I’m quite talented…

  • The babysitter on the phone one, I do constantly. If I get caught accidentally answering my phone in the first place. And my entire post today is about how I lie to get out of helping out with kid related stuff. It’s not really a lie that counts against you in my opinion because people force you into those!

  • I like to answer sales calls with, “We rent.” stops them in their tracks. I also say the kids are too “sick” for me to do…whatever…it always works.