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Life Saving Tips from a Road Rager

I spent 3 hours cooped up in the minivan with my children this week, driving the older 2 up to spend a few days with my parents during Spring Break. This 3 hour trip should have only taken me at the most 1 1/2 hours. Except every single idiot that lives within a 4 hour radius of my house was obviously also driving on the same road that day. I am not exactly known for my patience- stop laughing- especially while driving. I admit it. I have road rage. It’s totally not my fault, I blame the morons. If they would obey the general socially acceptable rules of the road I wouldn’t have to lose my mind. It’s very simple, folks. For everyone’s safety, I’ve compiled a list of 10 Driving Tips for Idiots that will hopefully prevent me from committing vehicular homicide. Hopefully.

10 Life Saving Tips from a Road Rager

1. If you tailgate me while I’m going 10 miles over the posted speed limit, I will slow down to a crawl until you back the ‘eff off. And if you begin honking your horn, swerving and/or waving your arms angrily at me, I will flip on my emergency flashers and coast along at 5 mph until that vein in your forehead explodes all over the interior of your shiny new car.

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2. If you wait until the last possible second to merge, I will leave approximately 3 inches of space between myself and the car in front of me to make sure you do not cut me off. Oh yes, I will.  You know you saw at least one of the 9 merge signs littering up the side of the road for the previous 3 miles so don’t act surprised when Oh-My-Gah, the lane is ending.

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3. There is a speed minimum for a reason. Obey it. If you are clogging up the fast lane going 20 miles under the speed limit you are going to get the one finger salute as I zoom past you. And yes, I did pass you on the shoulder.

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4. Your 1988 Honda is not going to beat my minivan off the line at the red light so don’t bother. I will leave you in the dust and make you look stupid. Then I will slow down so I can point and laugh at you. I will even instruct my children to point and laugh at you.

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5. Hey Redneck, if you play the slam-the-brakes-on game with me because you think I’m following too closely, rest assured I am going to force you off the side of the road and into a ditch for pissing me off. I don’t care how many big guns you have in the rifle rack, buddy. I have PMS and 4 kids in my car. I’m 100 times scarier than you.

6. If you have been trying to hump my bumper for the last 15 miles and then you decide to zoom past me only to cut right back in front of me and drop your speed by 20mph, I will repay the favor. Please refer to #1 for further explanation.

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7. If you are driving one of those enormous pick up trucks and feel the need to dangle a pair of truck nuts off the undercarriage or bumper, don’t be surprised when nobody will make eye contact with you as you try to merge lanes. We assume that the large truck with swinging nuts means you are overcompensating for a teensy weensy wienie. Just so you know.

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8. Cutting me off, using obscene hand gestures or committing any of the previous offenses while driving a work truck with a 1-800 How’s My Driving bumper sticker will come back to bite you on the butt. I will call. Repeatedly.

9. Slamming on your brakes after you pass an interstate on ramp with a handy dandy State Trooper perched on the hill is stupid. Especially considering you were going 58 in a 65mph zone. They notice those things and might assume such a stupid countermeasure means you have 10 pounds of hash in your spare tire. Unless a random strip search is your thing, I wouldn’t do that anymore.

10. Don’t play chicken with an unmedicated mother of 5 in a minivan. You. Will. Lose.

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I feel much better now. Follow my rules and nobody has to get hurt. Otherwise…well, it won’t end well.

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  • Everytime I see one of those dangling wobblies underneath a truck I want to cut them off, and leave a leaflet “Spay or neuter your truck”.

  • Hmm I never thought i had road rage but now that you’ve helped me self diagnose myself, I see that I do. My fav thing to do is the first one. Love it. Found you at finding the funny.

  • Hilarious post. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.

  • Hahahahahaaaa! You’re a riot! Love ya!
    Thanks for linking up!

  • TOO funny! I am still laughing. I do most of these, though I try to be good when the kids are in the car. Try being the operative word…

  • Hahahahaha! Awesome. We are soul road ragers ๐Ÿ™‚

  • I HATE women drivers. I am a woman driver…

  • I think you read my mind! Still laughing…

  • I nearly peed myself laughing at the list. Some of them may ring just a little bit too close to home for me. I have *never* slowed down with a tailgater before. Never. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Great list!

  • That’s just hilarious! I hate it so much when I’m in the proper lane going the speed limit and then some jerk is all on my bumper! So irritating!

  • In my car we refer to days like that as “Stupid People on the Road Day”. ๐Ÿ˜€ We also call speed limit signs “Speed Suggestions” being that most people ignore them anyway.

    I have road rage too so, more often than not I listen to my Praise & Worship music while driving because it’s nearly (note I said nearly) impossible to cuss out another driver while praising God.

  • ahahahahahaha these are awesome. every last one of ’em.

  • Bahahaha! I was just telling my husband why do people get tickets for speeding but not going to damn slow! Every day I get stuck behind someone going 40 in a 55… on a 2 lane high way without a chance to pass. Pisses me off! Thanks for the laugh!

  • Fantastic. I might have to repost some of these pics—they had me laughing out loud as I am getting my new tries—oh, the irony! And number 10, I feel ya, sister!! Thanks for the laugh, Erin

  • I refer to my car as my “back-sliding enabler”….nothing takes me from saint to sailor-sinner faster than, well….everything on your list. I have a gospel CD for extreme emergencies, ie. long weekends and rush hour.

  • I’m on the floor laughing. Couldn’t agree more. BTW, I have never seen those truck nuts, WTF is up with that?

  • Oh God!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!! I am going to petition for this list to be handed out with all driver’s license….both new and renewed.

    Lord almighty! If only it were just me and you on the road I wouldn’t have to wear a mouth guard while driving. It protects my teeth from the grinding!

  • Great list!! I sometimes think people only drive slowly to the left and too fast on the right!

  • “I have PMS and 4 kids in my car. I’m 100 times scarier than you.” Brilliant!

  • I hear you. There is always someone tailgating me in the school 20 mph zone. How does that make any sense???

  • Ado

    This was laugh-out-loud funny!
    I so can relate! I love all the graphics. Hope you made it there and back in one piece. Thanks for the laugh…!

  • I am all about your #1 and was going off about it just this weekend! Drive on my ass when I’m going over the limit…well, you know the rest. And messing with a woman with pms and kids in the car, now that’s just crazy! I wish I could afford a driver. Guess I have to try and keep my cool until then. Hope you had a great holiday weekend – great list!

  • I laughed through these. I told my husband that I was going to have to turn the flashers on when someone was tailing me. Normally I just slam on the brakes, daring them to hit me…

  • Hilarious!

  • “I will even instruct my children to point and laugh at you.”. Awesome.

  • Gallagher was never really THAT funny, but I loved his suggestion that cars be equipped with paint guns — eventually everybody would know who to stay away from.