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Confessions of the Socially Awkward

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I have decided that time is not going to help me even though my mother promised me it would. It’s not ‘just a phase’ like my father decreed when I was a young teen. I am destined to be socially awkward for the rest of my life. Social awkwardness is the cross that I carry and in The South, that’s a mighty big curse to have hanging around your neck.

I can never think of just the right thing to say to someone in public. I get tongue tied and stutter over my words like a female version of Forrest Gump. Especially if the person I’m speaking to happens to be important. You know, like Matt’s boss or my kid’s Principal or the stockboy at the ABC store. I don’t understand this curse. I can rip someone a new one just fine if they incite my ire for any reason yet a simple coherent conversation eludes me.

In the past week alone I have had the following socially awkward exchanges with different people. In public. Warning: it’s not pretty, people.

1) The checkout girl at the grocery store asked me if I was paying with debit or credit. I blurted out ‘Cash. I only have cash. But don’t worry, I didn’t roll around naked in it.’ WHAT? Who says that? Then I giggled manically until the security guard starting giving me the side eye. In my haste to escape from the awkward consequence of my lack of social graces, I forgot my wallet and had to slink back into the store 5 minutes later.

2) While waiting in line at the library a lady bumped into me from behind. I took a quick glance back and noticed her large belly. She apologized and made a funny comment about not being able to harness the power of the belly. I mistook that to mean she was pregnant so I congratulated her on the child about to spring forth from her loins. She got all huffy and informed me that she was not pregnant.  She stomped off without her books. I wonder if it was something I said. In my defense, she was rubbing her belly and hoisting it upwards just like a pregnant chick does and she did make a joke about the power of the belly. Clearly she should choose her words more carefully.

3) We went to a reception for a piece of artwork that Maia did in school. It was a huge reception and she was the only child in her entire school chosen to have her artwork shown. In other words, a very big honor! She got to meet the director of art for the entire school district and was presented a special award and everything. The art director introduced herself to us and complimented us on having such an amazing artist in the family. Before I could stop myself I verbally vomited all over her, saying ‘I sure am glad I let her eat all that paste when she was little. Guess it paid off now, huh?’ I could hear Matt snort behind me and my sister was trying to hold back the giggles. The art director did not even crack a smile but she did leave skid marks in her haste to get away.

4) During a particularly bad thunderstorm I happened to be at Target. The power went out after a lightening strike and the automatic doors were temporarily stuck closed so nobody could leave. A large group of us were huddled in the front of the store waiting for the emergency power to kick in and open the doors. All of a sudden a huge bolt of lightening struck a tree right outside the front door and the tree crashed down right outside the door. The lady on one side of me screamed at the top of her lungs and started babbling about how we could have been walking right underneath it. I jumped in with ‘I guess that’s God’s way of telling me I’ve been naughty and I should go to church.‘ I glanced to my other side and came face to face with a priest. In Target. Message received, God.

5) We went out to eat with my sister and her fiance this past week. After dinner, her fiance ordered a coffee with creamer. The waitress informed him that they were out of creamer at the moment but she could bring him some milk instead. I blurted out ‘That’s ok, my sister is breastfeeding. I’m sure she won’t mind leaning over and squirting some milk into his coffee.’ Sigh. I should not be allowed out of the house. Ever.

I am much better behind the screen of a computer. I can type and delete as needed to make myself seem a little less….well, awkward. It’s a curse I tell you. Feel sorry for my children.

I sure hope it skips a generation.

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  • DelilahLove

    I’m so glad I can make you feel less awkward! Haha! At least some good can come from my unfortunate encounters. I’m ashamed to tell you that I could do a whole other post already with more socially awkward moments. I’m cursed.

  • Seriously, who says that? I’m laughing so hard right now my husband is looking at me like he’s worried I’ve completely lost it. I thought I had a hard time with conversations. I’m not feeling quite as awkward now.

  • This made me laugh! Hey, that lady shouldn’t make belly jokes. That one was clearly her fault. No doubt. I love, love that you forgot your wallet. Ha! I mean, I’m sorry, but…it made it even funnier. Congratulations to your daughter, by the way!!

    (Thanks for linking this up over at #findingthefunny last week!)

  • I’m sorry. I laughed. I’m socially awkward too, but my awkwardness isn’t near as funny, nor does it make a good story. Maybe my perspective is just wacky… Or maybe mine is not wacky and yours is.

    See? There I go again…. Sighs.

    (discovered this through the Just Write link party. Enjoyed it so much I might have to check the rest of you out… uh your blog, that is, not *you* per se. But first it seems I may have to remove both of my walking extremities from my oral cavity.)

  • You are too funny! I found you on the weekend blog hop and am now following by email. I also tend to feel awkward in person, and witty when writing. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts, and hope you’ll come see me at Worst Mom Ever. Nice meeting you!

  • So this was my first time at your blog (found you through the Serenity Now Weekend Bloggy Reading linkup) and I know now NOT to be drinking anything while reading you. I have coffee all over my keyboard now…

  • Kim

    Not awkward at all! Well, maybe the false pregnancy thing but that sounds totally not your fault. What non-sumo wrestler overweight person refers to their “belly power”? Anyway, all of this more comedy bombs on unsuspecting uptight people than social awkwardness, right? I’d love to have been a fly on the walls for these!
    -MamaMzungu

  • I am really laughing over this. I was just telling Erin the other day that I am much better on the interwebz than in real life. Ha!

    But the belly thing was totally NOT your fault!

    Ellen

  • You and I could be related. I’m going to think about this post and laugh hours from now. At a totally inappropriate moment.

  • Priests shouldn’t be lurking at Target. I mean, doesn’t God provide, and all that? Maybe the tree falling was god’s way of saying “get the heck back to the priestry, dude…” I mean, it’s possible, right? On the other hand, maybe you were being filmed for the opening of a horror movie & just didn’t know it?

  • Hi, I’m Abby. And I am your long-lost socially awkward sister. Because apparently, we say the same things at totally inappropriate times.

  • Lol! All so so hilarious. And yea- the belly one I totally would have assumed she was saying she was pregnant too. So no fault for that one at all.

  • Hilarious! I suffer the same affliction. The belly one was not your fault-anyone would’ve assumed that lady was sporting a fetus in there.
    Suzie @CrickTricks

  • Kerry…she can’t be your twin, because I believe she may be mine! Shut the Front Door…Maybe we are triplets!!! Cool. I always wanted to have awkwardly social sisters. We are so totally misunderstood…Yeah that’s it.

    Love this post! I’m sorry, but the visual of the boob over the coffee made me spit out mine. Coffee, I mean…

  • Holy hilarious! You might be my twin if…oh, wait! YOU ARE MY TWIN!
    I love this and you!
    Kerry at HouseTalkN

  • I am also very socially awkward! I think that the socially awkward do make the best bloggers, though.

  • This is so funny. Sometimes socially awkward people are also the most loveable.

  • Loved you blurting out “Cash” too funny. I’m sure that what makes you all the more lovable.

  • Sorry for your pain, but thanks for the laugh!

  • Kai

    Socially awkward my Comanche ass! I want YOU for my BFF! You’re a riot!

  • Oh my! The Target/priest episode is hilarious! I always say the dumbest stuff to strangers and I embarrass my oldest all the time.

  • Oh my god. Are we related? At any given time there is a 50/50 chance I’ll say something that makes me look like a total asshat. And I think I’m hilarious when I do it, too. My husband loves that. I think it’s part of the charm. Right? I think YOU are charming. You would fit right in with me and my friends. Great post 🙂

  • I love these!!! I would totally love hanging out with you!

  • Oh, these are hilarious!!! The paste, the lightning, the creamer… totally cracked me up!

  • So funny. I’m sorry you had to suffer through those moments, but you got a great post out of it. The breastfeeding comment was my fave!

  • HAHAHAHAHAAA! You always leave me laughing!

    I am so socially awkward its not even funny. I always say I live the most inappropriate life ever. And I dont even try to.

  • I don’t mean to be rude, but I just need to LOL!

    I’m mostly go silent. I’m a listener more than a talker. So it’s really fun to read all those blurts. It’s funny, I wish I could utter impulsively 😉

  • yep, we need to hang out. because isn’t it always more fun to be socially awkward in pairs? my worst is meeting new moms at playgroups… i never, ever seem to say the right thing to those, ahem, women.

  • The first exchange with the cashier could have been me. I’m not sure if it is because I’m so eager for people to like me or I’m often daydreaming and unprepared for conversation, but I say bizarre things like this all the time. If more of us speak up, soon we will be the normal ones. : )

  • Lol – I’ve always been jealous of those people that seem to be able to talk to anyone and everyone and always have something smart and witty and interesting to say. Me? Not so much, I also get nervous and awkward and then lay in a pool of regret. I loved your comment about the cash and then having to go back for the wallet – yikes! Haha – great post.

  • Ado

    This was hysterical and I think I love you now.
    You are so very awkward it’s adorable. That rolling around naked in the cash comment – wow! That’s terrible! It sounds like something I would say! And: “I can rip someone a new one just fine if they incite my ire for any reason yet a simple coherent conversation eludes me” — well halleluja, give yourself some credit for that, it’s a skill!
    Treat it as a form of verbal Tourette’s – accept it – and move on. It is ADORABLE.

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  • Every single one of these made me snort with laughter. I hope your social awkwardness is never cured because I am loving it! (Is that selfish?)

  • Seriously, I loved all of them. It takes a rare person to be able to make light of a situation. So what if people look at us funny…

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

  • Oh my gosh. I laughed out loud and snorted. While at work. And then had to try and explain myself to my co-workers! That was awesome. I always thought that I was super awkward but now I feel so much better about myself! Thanks!

  • I actually don’t think any of these were awkward. I would have laughed at all of them and maybe even high-fived you, especially for the breast milk comment. So yea, they weren’t bad.

    Except for the non-pregnant woman one. That was definitely bad.

  • I get you. This is going to come out really conceited, but on the internet, I seem like a stud.

    When on my computer, I have time to edit and rewrite before I send. It doesn’t work the same way face to face. Once it’s out there, you can’t get it back.

  • Some of these I would classify as funny rather than awkward. Letting your kid eat the paste? I think that’s funny! But others…yeah…definitely awkward. Like the one about rolling in the money naked. I laughed out loud at that one. Ha!

    I’m not really socially awkward, but my sense of humour tends to be different from most people I know. It takes people a while before they decide if I’m funny…and that in between phase can definitely be awkward.

  • This was hilarious! I am from the South and am the same way. Every stranger you pass around here wants to strike up a conversation and I usually end up saying something about diarrhea or boobs or farting. I hate myself sometimes.

  • The Priest at Target is the best! hahahaha

  • In my wildest dreams, I couldn’t even dream up a more hysterical scenario than the priest at Target. Hey, at least you could have gotten a confessional in if you wanted to 😉

  • hahahah i love this so much cuz i can relate so much. so glad it’s not just me. 😉

  • I am soooo with you! I’m normally too awkward to say anything at all, but when I do open my mouth I’m usually sorry. Glad I’m not alone!

  • this is hilarious!! I usually consider myself pretty socially awkward, but you totally beat me. thanks for sharing!

    {I have a giveaway going on right now & would love for you to enter! amyreneonline.com}

  • Well who the heck expects a priest in Target?

    Did you really say these things? Can we be best friends?

    This is totally me, ALL THE TIME.

  • I thought I might be socially awkward….until I read your post here. I actually think 3 and 4 are just funny. 1 and 5 – I feel sorry for the people that were forced to be a part of those awkward moments. And the second one…oh man, I thought EVERYBODY knew that you never ever assume that a woman is pregnant.

  • I have suffered with this all of my life too so I can really relate! I have nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award! Stop by my blog and read the April 17th post for all the details. Hope you have a wonderful day!

  • I’m so glad I don’t live in the South because I’d probably never leave my house. I’m so prone to saying things like you said. And worse. And more awkward. Especially when I ask random strangers if I could put the tags back in their shirts.

    Yeah. I’m not very popular.

  • Hahaha. I love it. Blurt out more!

  • HA! I love you. You’re like my long, lost sister or something. These are totally things I would do and say. Especially the pregnant comment…and probably the rolling around naked in cash comment. Usually, I revert to a silent state in social situations, so that people think I’m mute. It’s (sometimes) better that way, but still awkward. Always awkward.

    And you’re right, being socially awkward in the South is like nearly unheard of. Everyone in these parts are so good at talking and shooting the bull…and if you’re not, well, you’re screwed.

  • My husband has a gift with words. He can hold a conversation with anyone about anything. it’s amazing. I am socially ackward, but I just dont know how to act or talk to people! I remember when I would get called on in class (in any grade) and I could feel my face turn bright purple and I would studder! Luckily my daughter does not have this issue… she loves reading out loud to the class (I could never have done that!)
    I especially love the breastfeeding comment! Too funny! I bet your sister was not impressed!

  • Yes! I often say things other people pretend not to hear. Or they clear their throats and glance away – permanently. I also delete tweets and comments A LOT so as to avoid the white van showing up outside my house. I love these situations, and I look forward to enacting them (with poetic license) in the near future.

  • Awkward or awesome? I say awesome.

  • I can totally relate! I am so happy to hear I am not the only one who has stuck her foot in her mouth. I can see myself saying the preggo comment, as I did something similar at a funeral. (needless to say the “friend,” that I hadnt seen in 4 years was not preggo, and was not happy that I asked when she was expecting.) Note to self…do not make comments about new life, at a funeral, or think that someone is pregnant, when apparently she just really ate her way through the holidays.

    P.S. – Found your blog via the Ultimate Blog Party! Love it!!

  • Gia

    Hahahah I think 3,4,5 were funny. 1 is a bit awkward, perhaps (I mean, it pretty much guarantees that the check out girl thinks you rolled around in it now). And 2? Never ever ever ever assume a lady is preggo. That’s what I’ve learned.

  • So i am also socially awkward…. I am not comfortable with “small talking” or “inspiring words” !!!
    My husband say I am a “Gaston Lagaffe “
    http://robotkat.livejournal.com/17921.html

  • Great post! I’m laughing so hard! I’m socially awkward too but I don’t blurt out things. I’m more likely to stare at you like your stupid and not respond at all 🙂

  • Can you come tag along by my side to keep things funny??? Thanks for the laughs!

  • Oh dear, I’m sorry for laughing at your misfortune, but think of how you can hold this over your kid’s head as they get older! I think the power to embarrass is a great power–it should be used in the juvenile justice system! Think of your possibilities!

  • The milk!!! And you forgot your wallet!! 🙂 Awesome. Just awesome. (I’m sorry for laughing so hard…) Great post!

  • Hysterical! Thanks for making me laugh out loud before 7 am!

  • *snort* I can’t decide which one was my favorite!

  • Glad to know I’m not alone. Thanks for the laughs!

  • Thanks for the giggles!!! The paste comment is priceless!!!

  • oh, I too am super socially awkward. I may not blurt out things I shouldn’t but I cannot for the life of me handle a grown up conversation. I cannot small talk, I cannot pretend I don’t want to run for the door. sigh. yours were making me laugh out right.