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The Reason I’m Banned from the Next Bake Sale

Have you ever put your foot in your mouth? Happens to me regularly. But how many times have you put a hand in a cake and a foot in your mouth all at the same time?  Now that takes talent, my friends!

 

I had the best of intentions. I really did. Then life got in the way, like it tends to do around my house. There were doctor’s appointments and sick kids. Time slipped past and suddenly the date was upon me. I only noticed because I happened to glance at the calendar on the way to the fridge for the coffee creamer. The bright red reminder jumped off the page, which was probably the reason I had written it in red to begin with.

 

Bake Sale Goods due today.

 

Crap on a cracker. Today. I was expected to produce 3 dozen homemade treats made entirely from scratch. Those treats were due at the school within the hour. And here I was without my magic wand. It’s moments like these that make me wish I was a witch like those chicks on Charmed. There are times that being magical would sure come in handy.

 

So what’s a mama to do? I couldn’t just show up at the school without the treats. That would draw the ire of the PTA President. We call her Hitler for a reason. Time to call in reinforcements. No, not the wine. A different kind of reinforcement. Commonly referred to as a Mom Friend but in my circles we refer to it as The Mommy Mafia. You know, the friends you have that know all the secrets– where the bodies are buried, how much you really paid for those shoes, what your real weight is, which purse is a knockoff, how many bottles of wine are actually in your recycling bin….those secrets. I called Jenna who laughed at my predicament because that’s what a true friend does. When she finally got ahold of herself, she informed me in a quiet whisper that “the crow flies at midnight” which I assumed meant she would meet me in the school parking lot in an hour.

 

I showed up with 8 minutes to spare and circled the parking lot until I saw Jenna’s minivan parked in the very back near the tree line. I had to park 3 rows over thanks to the abundance of people driving newer model luxury cars who assumed parking 2 miles from the school would keep their cars safe. I hurried over Jenna’s minivan, keeping low and moving quickly to avoid detection. I tapped twice on her window.

 

“You got the stuff?” I asked when she rolled the window down.

 

She passed me a brown paper bag through the window. “It’s all there. Now go.”

 

Relief coursed through me. I was giddy with it. I rushed back to my own minivan and hurriedly removed the contents from the brown paper bag. 36 beautiful, perfectly formed Double Chocolate Chip Cookies- still warm from the bakery. They were arranged nicely on a plate that could pass for one of my own.  If I didn’t know better even I would be fooled into thinking I slaved over these cookies for hours in my own kitchen.

 

I carried those cookies with pride through the parking lot and the hallway of the school towards the bake sale table. I handed them over to Hitler with a smile on my face and a glint in my eyes. An unspoken challenge was issued as she took the plate from my outstretched hand. I waited silently as she inspected my bake sale offering, checking to make sure it was up to her standards no doubt. Her eyes met mine again and I felt a surge of triumph. I smiled at her- not a real smile but one of those “please feel free to kiss my ass” smiles that you reserve for the most annoying people you are forced to interact with. Before I could turn to leave, basking in my victory, she began to unwrap the cellophane covering the cookies. All of a sudden, she stopped. And smiled. My blood froze in my veins.

 

“Well, well, well. Looks like someone was too busy to make her own cookies.”

 

Hitler held up the bakery sticker that had been attached to the underside of the plate. She was waving the sticker around in triumph like an Olympic swimmer holding a gold medal. Busted.

 

What else could I do but smile graciously, curse her name under my breath and walk away with my head held high. If only that’s what I’d done. I think you know me better than that. I snatched the plate of cookies out of her hand before I had time to think through my actions. Unfortunately she did not let go of the plate immediately and Hitler had some surprising strength in those little arms. I toppled forward and fought to regain my balance.

 

You know that moment when everything seems to freeze and things happen in slow motion? I had that moment. I knew what was going to happen, I could see the events occurring but I could not stop them. I lurched forward, off balance and out of control. My hip hit the table first, rocking it dangerously.

 

I could hear the words come out of my mouth in slow motion. “Ohhhhh Sshhhhiiiiittttt.”

 

My arms shot out to brace myself and landed smack in the middle of a cake. Frosting flew everywhere. Hitler had dropped the plate of counterfeit cookies in an attempt to rescue what I assumed was her own contribution to the bake sale.

 

Everyone stood in shocked silence. The three ladies behind the table were covered in frosting- coconut from the taste of what I licked off my own hands. The counterfeit cookies had landed in the middle of another cake, smearing the frosting everywhere. Mocha chocolate from the taste of what I licked off the cookies later.

 

Face hot with humiliation, I gathered my rogue cookies and mumbled a quick apology under my breath before scurrying towards the door like my pants were on fire. I ate 15 of those Double Chocolate Chip Cookies before I even got out of the parking lot to console myself.

 

On the bright side, I’m pretty sure I drove down the price of Hitler’s cake. What with my hand prints in it and all.

 

 
Sigh. I’m now banned from the bake sale.
 
 
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  • I can’t believe there are actually people like that in the world, {Hitler, not you. I am absolutely giddy that there are people like you!} I really thought they only existed on movies or TV…yes I do live in a bubble. Anyway, I would consider it a blessing to be banned. No more bake sales…..YAY!

  • I will never understand why (some) women STILL feel the need to put others down/feel superior to others. Come on people, high school is long over with and it’s really time to let go. I hope you’re resting comfortably in the knowledge that people like this woman truly are miserable inside. Her need to put others down in order to pump herself up is proof.

  • Hi! I’ve awarded you with the “Sunshine Award”! Thanks for being so honest, making me laugh, and being so though provoking!

    http://yourdoctorswife.blogspot.com/2012/03/drumroll-please-sunshine-award.html

  • I laughed outloud at the vision of you arm first in a cake. At least you got to lick off the icing;)

  • Bahahaha! OMG too funny! I am so glad you ruined her cake. Is that bad of me to say? I don’t have personal experience, but those bake sale moms can be ruthless.

  • I’m blushing for you. How embarrassing and infuriating at the same time. I’m laughing beside you, not at you. Really.

    • I was so embarrassed but so mad at the same time. I had to leave before I caused a scene…well, a bigger scene. My poor children.

  • This is hysterical! That lady really does sound like Hitler. This seems like it as right out of a movie! (Thanks for linking up with us at “Finding the Funny”!)

    • At least if it were a movie I’d have gotten paid well for the humiliation. Ha!

  • HAHAHA! “Licked off the cookies later”. TOO funny.

  • OMGsh This is HYSSSS TERICAL!!! I’da peed my pants for sure if I’da been there! You. are. awesome!! *bakery cookies and all! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Heck I’d rather buy bakery cookies from the bake sale than cookies from some mom’s kitchen that I don’t know. What if she’s a hoarder? Who knows how clean her kitchen is?

  • I’ve never fit in with the Harper Valley PTA; I don’t have the meanness in me (well, the meanness required toward other moms that must definitely be a prerequisite to joining). I hate snide comments like oh you’re too busy to help out in the classroom AGAIN or look who didn’t have time to make her own cookies. Heifer, I gave you SOMETHING to sell. Now excuse me while I lick your cake from my fingers and next time whip that frosting thinner.

    • Oh I have the meanness in me, I just keep it under wraps so I don’t have to go to jail. I don’t look good in stripes.

  • I think I might have just commented in my hubby’s account. Anyways, your blog is awesome and I am going to totally read more! Yay for bakery cookies!

  • OMG! So the PTA really is how they make it look in the movies! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time!

    • Our PTA is ridiculously competitive and some of those women scare me!

  • Jen

    Ha! This is totally something that would happen to me and exactly the reason I stay far far away from the PTA

    Stopped by from Mama Kat’s.

    • Believe me, I have learned my lesson. I’m staying home from now on.

  • TKW

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • TKW

    Hitler deserved what she got. Stepford Wives ruin everything–and hey, I brought cookies from Target once!

    • OMG- Stepford Wives! That is the perfect analogy! Thank you!

  • LOL Oh that is so funny. Sad, but funny. And totally something I would do! See, I learned years ago to just avoid anything PTA related. It”s safer for everyone!

    • Yeah, I’m thinking the PTA is not my crowd. They don’t get sarcasm and irony seems to get lost in translation.

  • That is too funny. I can only imagine the looks on those womens faces.
    Stopping by from Mama Kat’s

    • Thanks for visiting! The poor bystanders didn’t know whether to laugh or run.

  • Good grief! Are there still women out there who think it’s sooo important to bake your own cookies. You produced a pile of cookies; mission accomplished. Who cares who baked them. She sounds like a really nasty person without a life. Lucky for me I’ve never been in that situation as I really don’t want to be stuck with an assault charge.

    • You should see her poor husband. She picks out his clothes. It’s tragic. I know, I can’t afford an assault charge! You can only take anger management once per calendar year in my county.

  • Typed a clever comment but hit the wrong spot on the touchscreen of my smarta** phone. Oh fudge! Anyway, very amusing! Quiting before I’m further behind, too late to quit while I’m ahead.

    • Ha! I feel your pain Laura. I feel like a moron trying to type on the iphone sometimes, autocorrect has ruined most of my texts.

  • hilarious ๐Ÿ™‚ Miss PTA sounds nuts and condescending. I hope she got extra icing on her.

    • I’m sure I’ll get a dry cleaning bill if she got any on her!

  • She should have gotten a lot worse. I am forever surprised by the nerve of some people.

    • Oh I have stopped being surprised by the nerve of people. Now I’m just shocked that they aren’t medicated.

  • Actually, I’m thinking getting banned is probably a good thing. Who really wants to be responsible for 3 dozen cookies every year?! And Hitler lady- wow, get a grip.

    • I know, right? She’s one of the scary moms who has perfectly groomed children. I hate her.

  • O.M.G. That is way too funny! I’m sure it was awful, but as far as I’m concerned, well worth it just for an awesome post!

    Thanks for sharing!

    • Mr.McHunky couldn’t believe I was actually going to post about it. He dared me. I win.