I remember the day I got the invitation for my 10 year High School reunion. My first thought?
‘It’s been 10 years already?’ which was followed immediately by ‘Oh Hell No’. I was less than a year past giving birth and definitely not at fighting weight, if you know what I mean. There was not enough Vodka on the East Coast to liquor me up enough to make my high school reunion sound appealing. For some reason the reminders of my high school career tend to illuminate my top pet peeves: Bragging, Hatefulness, Snobbery, Lying and People. Now this was many years ago, I respectfully decline to elaborate on just how many year ago but we are rapidly approaching yet another reunion. Another reunion that I will not be attending.
Top 5 Reasons Not to Attend My High School Reunion
1. Facebook. Thanks to Facebook I have no need to travel several hours to find out if Suzy Q* overcame her anorexia or Betty B* did in fact marry a plastic surgeon for the “fringe benefits”. I can log on in the convenience of my own home and find out the answers to all my burning questions.
2. Mean Girls. I had the misfortune of attending a school that was fed by the rich neighborhoods. Meaning I went to high school with an overabundance of doctor’s and lawyer’s offspring. Believe me, the divison of socio-economic status begins early in life. I have no desire to discover if the Mean Girls of the High School halls have indeed become Mean Girls of the Country Club. I’ll pass.
3. High School sucked. It was pretty much one long stretch of insecurity, bad hair and unfortunate clothing choices. I can think of no good reason to relive the experience.
4. Security Concerns. There were some slightly over the top pranks that occurred during my high school tenure that I may or may not have had a hand in and my name may or may not be on some kind of Most Wanted list. Said pranks may have involved the principal’s car, the principal’s office, some Saran Wrap, a horse, a wheelbarrow and large quantities of alcohol. Boone’s Farm, if I recall correctly. Let’s just leave it at that.
5. Social Awkwardness. It’s well documented that I have an aversion to people. Mostly stupid people but sometimes just people in general. I like my friends to be online where I can silently judge them instead of being forced into the awkward position of holding my tongue. It never ends well, there are usually tears and theatrics. I don’t have patience for either. It’s probably safer for everyone if I just stay home.
Now I am also going to have to make a decision about my college reunion in the near future too. In contrast to my strong feelings of opposition about it’s high school counterpart, I will more than likely attend my college reunion. Let me share why.
Top 5 Reason To Attend My College Reunion
1. There is video. We had a friend in college who had a video camera constantly attached to his hand. All the time. He had aspirations of being a film maker one day. I have no idea what happened to any of that video footage that he took and I would like to find out. Some of it has the potential to ruin any future chances I have of running for political office.
2. My Advanced Calculus Professor. I desperately want to find this man and inform him that he was wrong. I have never once used Advanced Calculus in real life. Of course, that might also be because I never actually managed to learn the material. The only reason I skated past the final with a solid C- is because the TA liked to drink and party, mostly with underage girls. Blackmail is a much more useful life skill than Advanced Calculus.
3. Potential for Humiliating My Kids. Prior to the adults only party there is always a family day where you get to walk around the campus and show your kids where you used to be cool. This tradition has the potential to complete humiliate the kids, especially considering college is where Matt and I met and fell in love. We could really make them squirm.
4. Life long Friendships. These were my people. I left college with something far more important that a degree. I left college with a group of friends that taught me what it meant to be a friend, and what it meant to be true to myself. They also taught me how to do a keg stand and exactly what those little blue pills were for but that’s neither here nor there.
5. Answers to those burning questions. Unlike my high school class, there are many people I went to college with who are not on Facebook. It would be nice to know what happened to them. Did Bernie’s* hair and eyebrows ever grow back? Did Mary* ever find where she left her car after that party? Did Jack* ever get his junk un-superglued after his girlfriend caught him in bed with that cheerleader? These are questions that I feel the need to know the answers to. For obvious reasons.
How about you? Do you look forward to your high school or college reunions? Or do they just serve to remind you that time is marching across your face? Bonus points if you can name the movie that reference came from.
*Names changed to protect the idiots.