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Damn you Mother Nature. You are a hateful bitch. Hateful, I tell you. Stop cackling.

It is bad enough that you crapped out 8 inches of snow on my city. A city that does not do snow. A city that panics at the mere thought of snow. People speed to the grocery store to stock up on liquor and cheetos the necessities. The school system closes at the mere thought of a snowflake. Apparently the superintendent is from Florida, where snow is a fairy tale. Everything in the city closes down. Everything except…..Matt’s job. That’s right folks, there is 8 plus inches of snow on the ground, conveniently covering the inch thick sheet of ice that came in the form of sleet before the snow started falling. And Matt must go to work, despite my death glare begging. I still have not reached the very bestest part of the story though.

I woke up to Matt asking me if I wanted to hear the bad, the badder or the baddest news first. Gee, when you put it that way…..The bad news- Matt had to go to work. The badder news- The kids didn’t have to go to school. The baddest news- The heat is broken and he can’t fix it.

We woke up to NO DAMN HEAT. For Real. This is a test of my sanity, isn’t it? I got up at 6am to nurse the baby and happened to think ‘Gee, it’s really freakin cold in here‘ so I shivered myself downstairs, where sure enough the heat was not working. It was 59 degrees in the house at 6am. I shrieked calmly woke up Matt with the instructions to fix that shit. He hauled himself outside to the heating unit and stared at it for a few minutes and then laid a hand on the top of the unit. I’m not sure what that was going to do? Fix it by osmosis? I expect more. He came inside to tell me that the blades and the motor are frozen solid. A solid block of ice. So what does any self respecting man do in this situation? Curse at his life Pour hot water over the blades and motor to melt the shit. I went back to bed and left him to his half assed attempt man’s work. Raise your hand if you think that worked and I’m now sitting here in a lovely, warm house?

Anyone? Anyone at all? Yea, me either. Still no heat. The system cycles on, the little red light comes on, but then you hear this horrible clicking and the fan/motor won’t work. Matt was afraid to mess with it, for fear it would catch on fire. At least if it caught on fire, we would be warm. Of course, this is Matt’s description of the problem. I don’t know from first hand experience. I’m not dragging myself outside in the snow to see for myself. Plus I was curled up in the fetal position doing deep breathing exercises and projecting my mind to my happy place while Matt puttered around out there. So I call up our friendly local repairman. Apparently, there are a lot of idiots who live in my city. First question the office lady asked me?

‘Do you have power?’

For Real. S’rsly. I laughed and she informed me that she had already fielded calls from 9 such idiots who were complaining of no heat and turns out they also have no power. How do these people survive in the world? How have they not been killed off already? At some point, you would hope that natural selection would take over here. She put us on the repairman’s list. We are number 46 out of 69. She bumped us up the list because she’s a little scared of me we have little kids. She was honest enough to tell me that it might be late tonight before our heat is repaired and that’s assuming that the repairman has the necessary parts on hand to fix it.

I. Am. Not. Pleased.

Matt tried to make light of the situation, telling me we could build a fire and it would be like camping. Matt has obviously lost his sanity. I don’t do camping. If I’m sleeping outside, rest assured it’s because my house has fallen down around me and I have not yet woken up to discover this. I’m not even kidding a little bit. Matt decided to graciously go out and buy us a few little space heaters so I don’t turn into a total bitchcicle before the heat gets fixed. We have 2 little space heaters but this is a big house, two little heaters are not going to cut it. It was 56 degrees in the house by this point. The children were starting to bitch and whine. Maia was wearing her winter coat, pom pom hat and some mittens. In the house. For Real.

So Matt trucks himself off to Lowe’s. No heaters. It is March after all. Off to Home Depot. No heaters. Plenty of air conditioners and fans though. Didn’t these people hear that the groundhog saw his shadow? Don’t they know what that means? Sigh….Off to Target. No heaters. Off to Walmart. No heaters. Matt gives up in a moment of frustration and comes home to get ready for work. This shit sucks. The kids are pissed and whining because they want to go out and play in the snow and they can’t because there’s no way for them to warm up when they come back inside. They are bored because our satellite TV is searching for the damn signal. Did I forget to mention that? It went out last night in the middle of Extreme Home Makeover. I missed the big reveal of the house and then I missed the 2 hour Brothers & Sisters that I have been anxiously anticipating all week. I’m writing a letter to Dish Net-don’t-work. We couldn’t even watch the news last night. We had to go to bed without TV. It was so…..dark ages. So when we woke up this morning, I was excited to see that the satellite was working again. Until it went off again 10 minutes later. That was a bad moment, I won’t lie. The ears of the customer service rep are probably still scorched from our little conversation. He assures me that it will be fixed posthaste. He better be right. I have his name. I’m not afraid to hunt him down. I’ll fly all the way to India if I have to. You hear that Akmal? I’m coming for you.

So here I sit. Cold, bitchy and with no TV to watch. It’s ugly around here folks. Matt is preparing to go to work. In his nice, warm, comfy office. While I stay home with 4 children, no heat and no TV. I clicked my heels together and chanted ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home’ in the hope that this was all a bad dream or an alternate universe. It’s not.

It’s official. I’m a Bitchcicle.

This will not end well.

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  • “Bitchcicle” Love it! If it had been me it would have been a great day to visit the mall! But then maybe yours was closed. Maybe a game of hide and seek with the kids…at Wal-mart?

  • Too bad you couldn’t bring the old comments with the old entries. This stuff is hilarious & now it looks like no one read it. Besides the comments are as funny as the entries sometimes 🙂