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Repair Men Should Fear Me

Let me tell you a story. About the day the air conditioning decided to go kaput. Why did it go kaput, you ask?! Because that day was roughly the same temperature as the surface of the damn sun, that’s why. Seriously, it was supposed to be 103 degrees that day, at only 10am it was already 88 degrees in our house. I gave serious consideration to becoming a nudist. The kids were all lying around looking shell shocked at the lack of cool air. And of course, it was my day to host playgroup. Jenna was the only one who still came after I made the ‘it’s hotter than hell in my house’ phone calls. She suggested that I call Matt. His response- “Call the repair man.” Thanks for the help Matt.

See, here’s how it works in our house. If an appliance breaks- Matt deals with it. If the water heater floods- Matt deals with it. If a baby is shooting puke out of one end and shit out the other- I deal with it. If I forget dinner is on the stove and start a small kitchen fire- I deal with it….well technically the fire department deals with it- Station 9 has a real quick response time and some total hotties working there(which has nothing at all to do with why we’ve had 3 small kitchen fires in the past year). I digress….

So, what I’m trying to say here is that Matt does appliance and household issues. I do baby clean up and start fires. I am unequipped to deal with repair men, I don’t speak stupid and it seems that the repair men who come to my house are the epitome of stupid. I think Matt hires them that way so he can get an afternoon of entertainment, watching them try to fix shit while he sits back and drinks beer. I, on the other hand, find nothing entertaining about a grown man who speaks entirely in grunts and feels the need to show his ass crack to the world. Sigh….Anyhoo, Matt gave me the number of the AC repair man and wished me good luck. I swear I heard him chuckling as he hung up the phone. Bastard.

“Hullo, this is ABC Repair(name changed to prevent a lawsuit). Can I help you?”

“Yes, my AC has gone out and I wanted to schedule a time for repair.”

All-righty, I can schedule you for a service date next Thursday at 10am.”

“Seriously? By next Thursday we’ll all be basted, roasted and ready to eat.”

“Well that is the first available time ma’am.”

“Are you sure? Cause if I recall correctly, you people were just out here to repair our AC less than 2 months ago. Apparently you did a shitty job because it’s broken again. Now, why don’t you check your schedule again before I get pissed.”

“Ma’am, I’ve already told you…”

“Now let me tell YOU something- if you can’t find a repair man to come out here to my damn house today, preferably before it reaches 103 degrees indoors, to fix my damn AC then I will be forced to drag my ass down to your office and let me tell you something- you don’t want me to have to come down there.”

Ummmm, hold please.”

10 minutes of bad hold music…….

“Ma’am, a repair man can be there today at around 11am.”

“Thanks, I look forward to seeing his ass crack. Have a nice day.”

So we waited…..and waited and finally just as we were nearing heat stroke of epic proportions, the repair man showed up, complete with ass crack showing. Sigh….I showed him where the AC unit was and left him to do his thing. I think 11 seconds elapsed before I heard him calling for me. I walked in and was greeted by ass crack. If they’re going to show some ass crack, the least they can do is be worthy of eye candy status. Sigh….

Ass Crack Charlie: Missy, I think this here unit is just shot.

Me: What does that mean in English?

Ass Crack Charlie: Well, you might need to replace the entire unit. It’s leaking from the BLAH BLAH BLAH….(I stopped paying attention at the first BLAH- I don’t speak appliance repair)

Me: How much is a whole new unit?

Ass Crack Charlie: Probly somewhere round near $11,000. Scratching his ass crack and then his head.

Me: 11,000 damn dollars?! That better come with a hot, half naked man to fan me while feeding me grapes.

Ass Crack Charlie: Grunt. Grunt.

At this point my neighbor Chelley, who had arrived sometime in the previous few minutes and was watching with Jenna from the doorway, made a small noise of distress, gave herself the sign of the cross and left the room quickly. She knew, she could see what was going to happen. I could see it in her eyes- she was envisioning me chasing Ass Crack Charlie down the damn street with a wrench. She didn’t want to have to testify against me in court.

Me: Well, I’m calling Matt and you can explain all this to him.

Ass Crack Charlie: Grunt, grunt.

I called Matt and after gracing him with a few choice words, let him deal with Ass Crack Charlie. The conversation took less than 5 minutes and then Ass Crack Charlie hung up chuckling. What the hell?! Are they long lost friends now or is it some weird testosterone thing? I left the room, shaking my head and muttering obscenities about men and their stupid repair monkey’s.

Not even 15 minutes later, Ass Crack Charlie appeared in the doorway.

Ass Crack Charlie: All done. It’s a workin just fine now.

Me: I thought you said we needed a whole new system for $11,000!

Ass Crack Charlie: Laugh…grunt, grunt.

Me: Let me guess. You saw a woman, figured I was stupid and you tried to screw me. Son of a BITCH!

Ass Crack Charlie took one look at my face and took off out the door with me in hot pursuit, wielding a wooden spoon like a samurai sword. Never have you seen an over-weight redneck’s ass crack run so fast. I’m no longer allowed within 500 feet of Ass Crack Charlie. Bastard.

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