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Never Do Karaoke Drunk

Let me tell you a story. A story about why I don’t do karaoke drunk. One night Jenna decided at the last minute that she was going to host an impromptu Girl’s Night for several mom’s. It had been a helacious few weeks for several of us and we really need the break. She invited our usual partners in crime- Kari, Hanna and Cat- plus 2 other women that she knew from work who I am quite confident will never go out with us again. We planned to go out to dinner and see a movie. You know, a typical low key, mature mom’s night out. Well, anytime Jenna is involved plans tend to go awry….quickly and often with disastrous consequences. That night was no exception.

The evening started out innocently enough, we all met at a local bar. Jenna chose the bar, which should have been my first clue. Apparently she heard that they offer karaoke and thought it sounded like fun. Well, as we soon found out- let’s just say they cater to men, if you get my drift. We arrived before it got busy. We sat at a table, not the bar. Not sure why that point matters, but I feel I must point it out- especially considering how the night ended. Anyhoo, I was on my best behavior and only ordered one drink….at a time. We were a fun bunch! We ate dinner with minimal outbursts of laughter, had a few more drinks and flirted with the guys at the next table. Cat is a loud gal with an ample cleavage and a small shirt. She hit on at least a gazillion men through out the evening and she always started with “Well bless your heart sugar.” Don’t let the Southern Lady act fool you, that chick can knock back some tequila shooters.

By the time the karaoke started, we were well on our way to feeling no pain. I, in general, think that karaoke is a bad idea and when you’re drunk- it should be illegal. There is not enough alcohol in the entire state to get me up on a stage to sing, ain’t gonna happen folks. The same cannot be said for Kari, Cat and Jenna however. They stumbled up on the stage, still holding their drinks while Hanna and I contemplated the wisdom of running for the door. The dude on stage tried to get them to put their drinks down and he almost lost an eye when Cat waved her hand in his face with her 2 inch long red nails. In fear for his life, he let them keep the drinks. After several moments of studying the song list they were ready. They each took a microphone and started dancing before the music even started. It all went downhill from there. They chose to sing “It’s Raining Men”……in a gay bar…..sigh….Everyone seemed to be enjoying the drunken performance- or at least nobody was throwing half eaten burgers at their heads. Then it happened.

Cat tripped over her own drunken feet and in her desperate attempt to not fall on her ass, she latched on to Kari. All this did, was drag them both down off the stage. They landed ass first on top of a table of 5 men. Kari slid boneless to the floor but Cat landed in the lap of one of the men. In an effort to keep from falling in the floor, she grabbed onto the first available item to haul herself back up. Unfortunately, that item was attached to some guy’s lap. He shrieked and jumped about a foot in the air, but Cat held on like she was riding a mechanical bull and going for the 8 second count. When this poor man finally unlatched her hand from his crotch, she fell flat on her face on the floor. She jumped up screaming “I love weiner. I’m a weiner lover.” Sigh….you just can’t take us anywhere.

Jenna is laughing so hard that she wet her pants, which just made her laugh even harder. Poor Hanna looked ready to crawl under a table to avoid being seen with us, her face was bright red and she refused to look up from her basket of french fries. Jenna finally stumbled off stage and headed for the restroom, to dry her pants no doubt, and the next karaoke duo bounced up on stage. And I do mean bounced up on stage. One guy wearing leather chaps and a matching newsboy cap and the other one wearing a shirt so pink that it could be mistaken for peptobismol. They sang “Girls just want to have fun” while slow dancing. I kid you not.

We finally stumbled out to our car around 1am after spending just enough time in this bar to remind these guys why they are gay. One of the other women- whose name I cannot remember- was the DD for the evening. She had a Lexus, she also married a very rich very old man. Jenna proceeded to plop her pee covered butt right on the plush seats. And she didn’t just sit there, she wiggled around. Sigh….you really can’t take us anywhere. When we finally pulled in front of Jenna’s house and she got out, there was a nice wet butt print on the car seat- which sent Cat and me into gales of hysterical laughter. Sigh…

I woke up the next morning with the mother of all hangovers and smelling like I took a bath in tequila. Matt took great delight in making as much noise as possible. But at least I woke up in the house. I had a message on my phone from Mr. Jenna wanting to know why his wife was sleeping on the front lawn. We have sworn off tequila forever. Tequila is bad.

Tequila is the devil.

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  • Hilarious!

  • Kai

    You are SERIOUSLY SICK! BWAHAHAHAHA! I NEEEEED to go out with you crazy girlies! I just told a friend of mine how one of my 2 besties (a gay male) used to take me ALL the time to his fave gay bar to dance. Note: my bestie and I both taught Dance Aerobics for Bally’s back then. I was generally THE token female in said club. I don’t drink but I would LOVE to have witnessed you girls in your moments of glory! I AM BOWING! (And still laughing hysterically!)

  • OH MY GOD!!!! No comments on this one??? I was laughing so hard that the little 1-year old I babysit was trying to figure out how to call his daddy to rescue him.

    This is PRICELESS. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages! Thanks for the best laugh of the week!!!